Life

Ask Fiona: Husband had affair with my sister while mum was dying

Columnist and trained counsellor Fiona Caine offers her advice to a woman whose husband has had an affair with her sister and another is is afraid to introduce her boyfriend to her parents

<span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 51); font-family: sans-serif, Arial, Verdana, &quot;Trebuchet MS&quot;; ">&quot;</span><span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 51); font-family: sans-serif, Arial, Verdana, &quot;Trebuchet MS&quot;; ">Perhaps your sister was upset about your mother&rsquo;s illness; your husband tried to comfort her, and it turned into something more&quot;</span>
"Perhaps your sister was upset "Perhaps your sister was upset about your mother’s illness; your husband tried to comfort her, and it turned into something more"

FOR the last four months of my mum’s life, I practically lived at her house. She had cancer and was very ill for a long time. And with the pandemic, I had to decide what to do for the best, so I stayed with her as my husband said he could cope.

Mum died last October and while I miss her dreadfully, in many ways I am relieved she is at last at peace. It soon became apparent though, that my husband had been having an affair while I was away. I didn’t know who it was with though, and it took me a while to find out. When I did, it was a dreadful shock – as the person he’d been having an affair with was my sister.

I couldn’t believe that, while I gave up my normal life to look after our mother, my sister was sleeping with my husband. When I confronted them both, he just went silent, while she and I said some dreadful things to one another.

She said I must be stupid not to recognise the fact that he had always loved her more than me. She asked him to leave me for her and then stormed out. I thought he might follow her, but he didn’t – and although I have asked him practically every day since, he just won’t discuss it.

I asked if he wanted to go and all he said was, ‘I’m here, aren’t I?’, as if that should be enough. But it isn’t. The two of them have hurt me very badly. I feel I have lost my mother, my sister, and my husband in just a few short weeks. It’s as if he thinks I should just be able to forget all about it – but I can’t.

ST

FIONA SAYS: I’m so sorry to read about the traumatic time you’ve been through. It is particularly sad that, at a time when you and your sister should be comforting one another over the loss of your mother, the two of you are now so estranged. What caused her and your husband to behave in this extraordinary way is difficult to fathom, but I have a few suggestions.

Perhaps your sister was upset about your mother’s illness; your husband tried to comfort her, and it turned into something more – that wouldn’t be unknown. Perhaps your husband was feeling lost and alone without you and turned to your sister for support. Perhaps the two of them have always been attracted to one another and they took advantage of your absence. None of these things excuse what happened, but it may perhaps start to explain it.

Your husband’s behaviour now is strange though, and I wonder whether he won’t talk because he is now so embarrassed by what happened. While he seems prepared to ignore his affair, he doesn’t seem to realise that you are left in a strange limbo. Does he realise you would be perfectly justified in leaving him?

Unless he opens up and talks to you, you can’t begin to know what he wants. Yes, he’s still with you and he didn’t leave with your sister when she asked him to, but this doesn’t prove anything – it certainly doesn’t prove he loves you and wants to be with you. You could tell him that either he comes with you for counselling to work out a way forward for your marriage, or else you will have to consider a separation, and see how he reacts to that.

A more important question though, what do you want? Do you still want to be with a man who can behave in this way? Yes, he might have been feeling ‘neglected’ but you had a lot to deal with at the time. As for your sister, if there is ever to be a working relationship between the two of you again, counselling will be needed for you both. I fear, though, that you won’t find it easy to forget or trust either of them again. You deserve better people in your life, so you might just find it easier to move on without them.

DREADING INTRODUCING NEW BOYFRIEND TO MY JUDGMENTAL PARENTS

I’D LIKE some advice on how I should introduce my boyfriend to my parents. We are serious about one another, and I think he could be the one I want to spend my life with – I really love him. My problem is, I’m not sure how my army officer father and my ‘what-will-the-neighbours’ say mother will cope.

Aside from the fact he’s 14 years older than me – which I know my dad won’t like – he has a dreadful family background. His dad is in gaol for embezzling money, his mum is an alcoholic, and his sister was recently arrested for prostitution.

He doesn’t see them but does talk to them occasionally, so when my mum asks him ‘what does your father do?’, as I know she will, it’s going to be really awkward. On top of that, my boyfriend has been married before. He’s been divorced for about eight years and there are no children involved, but I know my dad won’t like it.

I just know my mum will put her foot in it and make things awkward, and I just don’t know how I’m going to cope.

OC

FIONA SAYS: What is it that you are really worrying about here? Are you afraid that your parents will ask you to choose them over your boyfriend, and issue a ‘him or us’ ultimatum? Do you think they will try and stop you seeing him again? Or are you just worried that the whole thing will be awkward and embarrassing? However bad it is, it won’t be any worse than you have been imagining. So, if you love this man, set up a meeting and get it out of the way.

I expect your boyfriend is beginning to think your parents both have two heads each, and they’re probably imagining him as some kind of monster. By keeping them apart, all they can do is imagine the most terrible things about one another. And they are probably all as anxious as you are.

The reality will almost certainly be easier than you think, and hopefully, they will all have enough sense to accept each other’s differences. If your parents are as concerned for you as they seem to be, the most important thing will not be his family, his divorce, his age, but his feelings for you and his ability to make you happy.

Your parents need never have anything to do with his family – they may not even need to ever meet. It doesn’t sound like you want to have much to do with them either, but you should be aware that your boyfriend may feel the need to keep up a connection.

Be sure you can cope if he does. For example, if you have children together, will you be willing for them to have a relationship with their grandparents on his side? It’s things like that you need to think about.

So, if you can work those sorts of things out with your boyfriend, I am sure you can be perfectly happy together. And that is almost certainly all your parents really want for their daughter.

MY HUSBAND IS REFUSING TO USE CONDOMS

I HAVE been on the pill for several years now and my doctor thinks it’s time I came off it. I don’t think I want any more children, but I am not 100 per cent sure yet. The way my husband has reacted to this though is making me doubt whether I’ll ever want any more with him.

When I told him what the doctor said, he said it would be down to me to find something else that worked. I’m willing to try various options, but I suggested that he should be prepared to use a condom sometimes. He refused point blank, saying contraception was a woman’s issue and not down to him.

We’ve been together for almost 18 years, and I have never known him to be like this – so uncaring and unreasonable. What on earth is wrong with him?

MF

FIONA SAYS: I’m sorry to hear your husband has reacted so selfishly. But I wonder if, perhaps, he’s never had to use a condom before and doesn’t know how. Could that be possible? There are all kinds of other possibilities here too, and if he’s always been a reasonable, loving husband and father up to now, I can’t help thinking there is more to this than meets the eye.

You won’t know unless you get him to talk about it. There is a reason in there somewhere, I hope, because I can’t believe you would not know if your husband were an irresponsible and uncaring person after 18 years together. Buy a packet of condoms yourself and try and get him to talk. If he won’t discuss it, next time he wants to make love, offer him the option of a condom, a discussion, or a cold shower!

SHOULD I GET BACK WITH MY HUSBAND?

My husband and I divorced 18 years ago after more than 20 years of marriage. The children were in their late-teens, and thanks to the fact we managed to keep things amicable, they have all three turned out to be well-adjusted people. They retain a good relationship with both of us and we see them regularly.

I have had other relationships since, but none have really amounted to anything much. My husband is retiring this year, and he has suggested we might try and get back together.

I’m surprised to find I don’t object to the idea – but am unsure of my feelings for him. I think I see him more like a brother than a lover now.

BB

FIONA SAYS: You clearly still have fond feelings for your ex-husband, and I am interested to read that you still call him your ‘husband’ rather than ‘ex’ or ‘former husband’ – had you noticed that? I think you need a serious talk together, to see what he’s hoping for.

Is he looking to rekindle a loving relationship? Or does he, perhaps, simply want a companion in his retirement? That might not be such a bad thing, if you both recognise what you are getting into.

If you’re looking for different things though, you could be setting yourselves up for problems and failure. So talk, and take your time before making any decisions on this. And I am sure your children will be supportive, whatever you decide.

If you have a problem you need help with, email Fiona by writing to help@askfiona.net for advice. All letters are treated in complete confidence and, to protect this privacy, Fiona is unable to pass on your messages to other readers. Fiona regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence.