I’M SEEKING your advice on my relationship with my wife, to whom I’ve been married for more than 50 years (I’m 73 and she’s 68). About four years ago, we separated pending divorce – but we are now back under the one roof, although things aren’t good between us.
The separation came about because of her failure to listen to any advice about her medical issues (chronic nerve pain, type 2 diabetes) and an unpleasant female friend she had.
The ‘friend’ uses her wealth to try and impress people and win their friendship – she was the ‘gooseberry’ in our relationship, cutting me out of holidays etc. As for my wife’s health, she ignores all the doctor’s advice on exercise and diet, and she became reliant on pain-killing medication to the point of addiction.
When she left, she moved into a flat alone for about six months, but she had a medical episode and was only released from hospital on condition that she returned home to live with me and our sons. I was told to ensure she did not take unnecessary pain-killing medication.
Two years on, things have not changed. She still won’t exercise (at all) and won’t eat a balanced diet. We did go to a marriage guidance counsellor together for 10 sessions, however we seem to lead separate lives with separate interests and hobbies, and I can’t get her to spend time with me.
Every time I raise the issues I’ve mentioned, all I get is verbal aggression. She seems immovable and I am worried we are on the path that led to our separation, and while I can see I might be happier without her, I am loathe to undergo the drama and costs involved in moving out. She must realise that she has a problem, because she is currently going to a counsellor herself. Where to now?
GR
FIONA SAYS: Your wife seems set on a path of self-destruction, if she’s ignoring all medical advice about her various health conditions. She could be driving herself towards an early grave, which is – even though your relationship is strained – I feel sure not something you would want. She is, however, also seeing a counsellor, so there is some hope that she’s trying to do something about it.
Are there others that might be willing to intercede? You mention your sons and I’m guessing, given your wife’s age, that they are adults. Would they be willing to talk to her and point out how self-destructive she is being? Hearing it from them, or perhaps from another caring relative (even that friend of hers you don’t really like) might make her change direction.
If she did that, she might be more willing to do and share things with you, which would hopefully help improve your relationship. If she won’t though, I fear there is little hope for improvement in the way you feel about each other.
You say you’ve had 10 sessions with a marriage guidance counsellor, but it doesn’t sound as if you made any progress to improving your relationship? Perhaps your marriage has run its course, and that leading separate lives would make you both happier. I imagine your wife feels no better than you do with the present situation.
I can also understand why you feel that, at your age, divorce seems like an expensive and destructive thing to do, but is there any way you could live your lives differently? Could you, for example, divide your home into two separate accommodations, where you could live under the same roof but independently? It might mean some resources have to be shared, but if you could both come and go as you pleased, it might mean you’d both feel happier.
CARING FOR ELDERLY AUNT IS SO EXHAUSTING
FOR the past four years, my husband’s elderly aunt has lived with us. She is a smashing old girl, and I really wouldn’t want her to go anywhere else. She does need a lot of constant care though – she has a catheter that I’ve had to learn how to change for her. She also needs help with washing and getting dressed.
She can’t really move around on her own either, but she’s always cheerful and always grateful for what I do for her and, on the whole, I am happy to do it all. Just sometimes though, I wish I could have my home and some time to myself once more.
There’s a lot of pressure in the run-up to Christmas and I’m looking forward to having the family home, but it will mean a lot more work for me. My husband is wonderful with her at weekends, but I still need to be around – he can’t change her catheter, for example.
We were having regular visits from the district nurse, but these didn’t happen anything like as frequently because of Covid and, frankly, I’m exhausted. I would dearly love a break and to just get out occasionally, but I feel so guilty having these thoughts.
She’s 96 now and sometimes I find myself wishing she weren’t around anymore. Then I feel absolutely dreadful for having such thoughts – but I really can’t help it.
PP
FIONA SAYS: Please stop feeling guilty. Nobody has the strength to care for another person indefinitely and all of the time – you simply have to have a break now and then to recharge your batteries. If you don’t, you begin to build up resentment – as you have found is happening to you. Frankly, I am amazed that you have coped this long and been largely happy to do so, especially as this lady is not a direct relative of yours.
Your life has been put on hold for the last four years and not many people would be willing to do what you’re doing for someone else – however smashing they are. Why not consider giving yourself a much-needed Christmas present? Why not find out about respite care for a week or two, then take a much-needed break? You could consider a holiday (although with travel restrictions, that could be difficult or it might need to be still in the country) or just spend a couple of weeks relaxing at home.
Talk to the district nurse about this, as they will know what care homes there are locally that offer this option. I would suggest you visit them as well to make sure you are happy with them. Remember, this isn’t for long term care though, only for a short break.
In the short-term, I suggest you try to make the most of those times when your husband is around – even if this is just going for a 20-minute walk or a trip to the shops. It’s very important you get proper regular breaks. The lady doesn’t need you by her side for 24 hours a day – your husband could certainly manage things for long enough for you take a break. If your husband has other family, perhaps they could step in occasionally too? If they came and stayed in your house overnight with her, you and your husband could get away together for a break, which could transform the way you feel.
If money is tight, there are several charitable organisations that offer respite care. The other thing I would suggest is that you make sure you are getting absolutely all the benefits you and she are entitled to. Contact Carers Trust (carers.org) where you will find all kinds of help, advice and support on benefits and other kinds of support – including information on respite care organisations.
Once again, please do not feel guilty about asking for help. Your husband’s aunt can only benefit from having you and all those around her stay healthy and happy too.
HOW CAN WE VOLUNTEER WITH ELDERLY PEOPLE?
NOW that our children have grown up and left home, my husband and I have more time on our hands. We have decided that we would like to do some voluntary work, preferably with elderly people.
We both like nothing better that a chat over a cake and cup of tea and wondered if there were any organisations that did this sort of thing. We have a large car and both of us can drive, so surely someone would like a couple of willing volunteers?
LB
FIONA SAYS: There are lots of ways to find volunteering opportunities. Contacting local charities and looking at websites is a good place to start. You could try websites such as ‘doit.life/discover’ and ‘reachvolunteering.org.uk’ where you can search all manner of local opportunities. I’m sure you’ll find something that appeals.
An organisation that sounds ideal for you is Re-engage (reengage.org.uk), which was called ‘Contact the Elderly’. Amongst the many things they do is organise social get-togethers. They set up independent, self-administered groups of volunteers and elderly people who cannot leave their homes without help. Once a group is established, volunteers and elderly people meet in the home of a volunteer host. You might also contact your local branch of Age UK (ageuk.org.uk) who often have projects running and regularly need volunteers.
I DON’T FIND HIM ATTRACTIVE
I HAVE been going out occasionally with a man I met at a party a few months ago. He is pleasant to be with and good company, but I really don’t find him remotely attractive. He clearly was hoping to push things between, as he suggested we spend Christmas together.
I managed to divert him, as I was planning to spend it with family anyway. I don’t want to hurt his feelings but if he is going to want to get serious, I may have to say something. Is there an easy way of dealing with this?
EK
FIONA SAYS: If you are absolutely sure you could never have any deeper feelings for him and that he is wanting more from you than you are prepared to give, then it’s only fair that you say something. There’s never an easy way to reject someone and there will, inevitably, be hurt feelings – but better to say it now, before he is embarrassed by a refusal when he asks.
Take the initiative and say to him that you do value his friendship but hope he realises that you could never be more than friends, and that you hope the friendship will continue. However gentle you are though, do be prepared for the possibility of him seeing it as a rejection.
Before you say anything though, examine your feelings for him. Be sure you are not rejecting him just because he doesn’t fit some preconceived image of what your ideal man will look like. In the long run, relationships based on friendship tend to last and be altogether more rewarding than those based on attraction.
If you have a problem you need help with, email Fiona by writing to help@askfiona.net for advice. All letters are treated in complete confidence and, to protect this privacy, Fiona is unable to pass on your messages to other readers. Fiona regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence.
