Columnist and trained counsellor Fiona Caine offers her perspective on a woman struggling with the loss of a sibling and difficulties with parents-in-law
I HAVEN'T PROCESSED MY SISTER'S DEATH
DURING the height of the pandemic, my sister died. She had been unwell for some time, but although her death was expected, it still shocked me. We had always been very close. She was my only sibling and was definitely a very protective older sister - the one person I went to with all my problems.
When she died, funeral restrictions were still in place so I couldn't attend. Thankfully her husband and children were able to go and say their goodbyes, which gave me some comfort, and I made the decision to go back to work just two days after her death.
Because I couldn't go to the funeral, and the surrealness of living through a pandemic, I don't think I have ever processed my grief properly. It's starting to hit me now, as I find myself thinking about her a lot and getting really upset that she isn't there for me to phone when I need some advice.
I have been back at work for a while now and everyone assumes I'm OK, but I'm really struggling and don't know how to tell people, or even my boss. I find I have a serious lack of concentration and motivation to do my job and part of me doesn't really care about it all, if I'm honest.
EB
FIONA SAYS: Coping with bereavement at any time is hard enough. But having to cope with it during a pandemic has had a hugely traumatic effect on many people.
Whilst it may feel like it, you are not alone in your grief - so many people have experienced grief in a very different and difficult way over the past two years. And so many people - like you - have not had the opportunity to express their grief as they might normally do.
A funeral is a hugely important opportunity for people to get together to comfort and support one another, so to have been denied that must have been devastating.
I am sure your decision to return to work right away was a means of helping yourself cope. And I'm equally sure that whilst doing so felt right at the time, you didn't have a chance to grieve. That pain is catching up with you, and you need to find ways to let it out.
Talking to someone who understands what you're going through would, I feel sure, give you a chance to express the pain you're feeling. The Marie Curie organisation (mariecurie.org.uk) have done a lot of work and research into helping recently bereaved people and their Support Line on 0800 090 2309 would be a good place to start.
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SHOULD WE CUT MY HUSBAND'S PARENTS OUT OF OUR LIVES?
MY husband and I have had issues with his parents since before we were married. It's been over 10 years now - and they've tried to encourage him to divorce me, swindled money from us, and edged him out of the family business.
They are extremely traditional and have never supported me working outside the home. His father is verbally abusive to his mother and expects my husband to treat me that way as well. Obviously, my husband does not; we have a good relationship and he supports my career.
My in-laws are hardly involved in our children's lives and ignore me at family gatherings, but they're extremely close with their other grandkids.
I think we've come to a breaking point in our relationship with them, and I'm unsure how to handle it. They're starting their estate planning and it seems they plan to cut my husband and children out completely.
My husband has told his parents he doesn't care what they do with the inheritance, he just wants it to be transparent. Should our relationship be over until they are willing to be honest with us and have a relationship with our children? Or should we keep trying to have them involved for our children's sake?
ES
FIONA SAYS: It would seem that while you want to cut your in-laws out of your lives, perhaps your husband still wants to maintain a relationship with them - however flawed that relationship might be. For that reason, however much you might not want it, they will always be a part of your lives, and you will have to manage the limited relationship you have.
That doesn't mean you have to put up with being insulted by them, and if they're still encouraging your husband to divorce you, you should perhaps limit the contact you and your children have.
For some reason - perhaps because you're an independent woman - your in-laws have taken against you, and this could be why they don't care for the grandchildren you've given them. It's sad, but at the end of the day, it's their loss. Your children certainly shouldn't be made to suffer in any way, so trying to force a relationship where none exists seems pointless.
As for their estate planning, obviously they are entitled to dispose of their assets in any way they think fit. It might seem unfair, but perhaps they are leaving the money to those siblings still involved in the family business. You say they are being secretive about this, but wills are very private things, and I can understand their unwillingness to share details.
You ask if your relationship with them should be over until they've met conditions around honesty and your children - but there is no real relationship, so could you perhaps just let it slide?
Let them make the next move, if they want to see you and be close to your children, I think it's now down to them to try and make that happen.
