Life

Ask Fiona: My partner’s ex is making life a misery

Columnist and trained counsellor Fiona Caine offers advice to a woman who’s partner’s ex seems intent on causing difficulty for them and a another who is unsure of her relationship

You need to be strong and show each other support
You need to be strong and show each other support You need to be strong and show each other support

FOR the past three years, I have been living with my partner who I really love. He was going through a messy divorce when we met, and although it was finalised two-and-half years ago, the ramifications are still going on. His wife has custody of their three children and uses them to manipulate him.

I am also divorced, but that was some years before I met him and I have a good relationship with my ex-husband (although we don’t have any children, which makes things easier). Our problem is that my partner’s ex-wife is making his life – and so also mine – a misery. She walks all over him and is forever threatening to stop him from seeing his children if he doesn’t do what she wants.

She used Covid several times to cancel access arrangements, even though I showed him evidence that visitation rights were allowed. I’ve tried to get him to stand up to her, as I end up having to put up with his moods and upsets, but he won’t. He’s afraid that if he does, she will make it impossible for him to see his kids.

We had an argument about it last month but that has backfired on me, as now he keeps his feelings to himself and just bottles up everything. I love him and I want to help him, but I don’t know what to do for the best. We have discussed getting married and having children of our own, but the way things stand, this seems unlikely.

WP

FIONA SAYS: Using children as a weapon to control an ex-partner is so very wrong. It’s bad for both parents but, more particularly, it’s bad for the children, who will be left feeling unsure about their relationship with their father. The fact that your partner seems unable to deal with these problems should ring one or two alarm bells for you, if you’re planning to marry him. If he won’t tackle this issue for you, to keep your relationship with one another going strong, then he needs to be encouraged to do it for his children.

If they are unable to do this between them, then perhaps it’s time the courts were involved once more – or, more particularly, the conciliation service. The Family Mediation Council (familymediationcouncil.org.uk) holds a list of registered, independent, professionally trained mediators who help separating couples work out arrangements.

It doesn’t just happen before divorce though – mediation can also be helpful when previous arrangements need to change, which is what needs to happen in this case.

He should understand that the process of mediation means he stays in control – rather than losing control of the situation, as it sounds like his ex-wife is pushing him to do presently. The mediator will help him and his ex-wife to find a solution that works for them both and will explain what needs to happen to make an agreement between them legally binding.

If you love this man and you’re committed to helping him, then I think you will have to show him you are willing to be supportive. By bottling his feelings up, as you say he is doing now, he is going to drive a rift between you, which I’m sure neither you nor he really wants.

I can’t help but wonder why his ex-wife is behaving like this. Is she still bitter about the divorce, or is it something else? Is it, perhaps, because you have come onto the scene? Perhaps part of her behaviour stems from a lack of trust in her ex bringing the children into contact with someone she doesn’t know. So perhaps it would be worthwhile considering a meeting between the two of you, if this hasn’t happened before. That might be difficult, and it might be hard for you not to lose your temper. Keep your cool though and remember that it’s in the best interests of his children – who could one day be your step-children – that you do so.

I'M SO CONFUSED OVER WHO I SHOULD BE WITH

I LEFT my boyfriend 18 months ago, just after the birth of our son. We had been living together for four years and I thought he was the man for me, but eventually we split when I realised there was more to life than constant arguing.

He wanted me to go out most nights and, because I was pregnant and still working, I didn’t want to. So, then he wanted to go out on his own and I got fed up with being left on my own so much. Then the baby was born, and he didn’t seem to want to do anything to help me. We just rowed and rowed until I couldn’t stand it anymore, so I left him and moved in with a friend.

Although we were in the pandemic, I met someone else quite soon. He is my friend’s cousin and he’s a nice guy, who accepted me and my son very willingly. We quickly go engaged but we were in lockdown and stuck in a grotty flat with next to no income, as he lost his job.

All in all, life has been pretty miserable, and I’ve been starting to think I’ve made a big mistake. He’s got no interest in finding a new job and hasn’t bothered looking at all, but just sits in front of the TV. So, when I ran into my ex-boyfriend – my son’s father – last week and he told me how much he missed me, it really made me think. He said he would love to have us back, and I’m wondering if I should go.

I don’t feel for him the way I used to, and I think I still like the man I’m engaged to more, but I’m wondering if my son would be better off if I were living with his dad. Please help, I’m so confused.

AD

FIONA SAYS: If you’re that confused, then I suspect that neither of these men, or their respective flats, is right for you. If you marry the man you’re currently with and you’re miserable with him now, you’re courting disaster. If it were simply a lack of money that was making your miserable, I’d encourage you to stick it out for a bit. I suspect, though, that his lack of drive and ambition is also affecting your feelings towards him.

If you move back in with the father of your son, when you don’t feel strongly about him, the relationship is unlikely to last. Yes, it might be good for your son to build a relationship with his father, but there would be better ways for him to do this than living with two people who don’t really care about each other.

If you are seriously tempted to move back in with your ex, then I’d strongly encourage you to go for counselling to sort out what it was that drove you apart in the first place. If you do that, and find that you do care and could form a proper, loving relationship with him, then it might work, but it’s a big risk.

Is there no way you can find a place of your own to stay away from both these men, until you have had a chance to put your own thoughts in order? Could you move back in with your friend, or perhaps stay with a family member for a while? Perhaps your local council could house you as a single mother?

Your happiness, and that of your son, is at stake here, so it’s important that you make this decision free from undue pressure from any one source.

TERRIFIED OF GOING BACK TO WORK

I HAVE been off work for almost four months with mysterious pains in my chest. I seem to have been for countless tests, but they’ve not found anything wrong with me. One of the doctors implied that I might subconsciously be creating symptoms simply to avoid returning to the strain of working.

I love my job and have really missed it, but now I’m beginning to feel like a complete fraud. I’m terrified of the prospect of returning to work and facing people with what seems like a phantom illness. I should have gone back last week but persuaded my doctor to sign me off for a further two weeks, I just can’t deal with this.

I feel like sending in my resignation just to get this worry off my back. I’m so depressed by all this.

ZG

FIONA SAYS: Whether your illness is a physical or a psychological one, it is still an illness. So please don’t feel like a fraud. The chest pains could be stress and anxiety – after all, the last 18 months or so have been very difficult. It may also be that you’re suffering from depression – a lot of people are, and as you seem to be wondering about this, it might be worth talking to your doctor about a referral for counselling.

Chest pains, though, can have numerous other causes. The fact that your GP willingly signed you off work for another two weeks surely means he accepts you are not well. Has he suggested other reasons for the pains you’re experiencing – have you had a chance to really discuss with him what possible causes there could be? You mention you’ve had tests, but have you been able to see a specialist? Thanks to Covid, it’s generally hard getting to see a consultant at all unless it’s an emergency, and most people are facing long waiting lists.

I’m sure you are concerned about having a heart condition, but chest pains that mimic ‘heart pain’ can be caused by gastric problems, trapped nerves, damaged muscles, and more. It is reassuring that it sounds like you have had tests though. Referral to a counsellor might help with your anxiety and could also help with pain-management, until such time as you have seen other consultants and ruled out other causes.

That in no way means I think you are creating your symptoms, I just think it could help. Whatever else you do though, please don’t resign. Also, please don’t assume that your colleagues will somehow be gunning for you because you have been off sick. And you are not obliged to tell them any details about your health, unless you want to. I suspect you’ll find they will be sympathetic, keen to help and glad to see you back.

MY BOYFRIEND’S TEETH ARE AWFUL

I LOVE my boyfriend but it’s becoming increasingly difficult to get close to him because his teeth are so bad and despite mouthwash, his breath stinks. I’ve tried to get him to go to see my dentist, who is really good, but he simply refuses.

Apparently, he had a bad experience when he was a child and hasn’t stepped inside a dental surgery since. He’s certainly lost one tooth and some of his teeth are almost black!

TS

FIONA SAYS: There really is very little pain involved in going to the dentist these days, yet still people worry about it and your boyfriend is far from alone. Even the injections hardly hurt, and dentists can use a numbing gel first which means the injection is barely noticeable at all.

Dentists are, in most cases, aware of people’s phobia and are almost always willing to try and help. There are some that specialise in dealing with nervous patients. Talk to your dentist and ask what they could do to help – they might be willing to let your boyfriend come in for a visit, without doing anything at all other than having a reassuring chat.

Meeting the dentist and seeing the environment might encourage your boyfriend to take things further. An initial appointment could follow – which could just be a check-up to see what work is needed.

It sounds as if there will be work to be done though so perhaps you could go in with your boyfriend. The dentist would probably agree a system of signalling with him so that, if he wants to stop, he can raise a hand or something.

If he really cannot cope, the dentist can refer him to an NHS sedation clinic, which specialises in treating very nervous patients. Sedation might involve gas and air, tablets or even an injection.

I’m sure your boyfriend is in pain and is self-conscious about his teeth, so if your support can encourage him to seek the help he needs, it will make a big difference to his health and confidence. Which is all to the good, where your long-term relationship is concerned.

If you have a problem you need help with, email Fiona by writing to help@askfiona.net for advice. All letters are treated in complete confidence and, to protect this privacy, Fiona is unable to pass on your messages to other readers. Fiona regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence.