WHEN we adopted our daughter, 18 years ago, we thought it would be the most wonderful thing in the world. We knew she’d been through difficult times – she was eight when she came to us – but I know we didn’t appreciate just what we were letting ourselves in for. We now believe she had been abused in some way, although we weren’t told that at the time.
Don’t get me wrong, we loved her and were delighted to have her in our lives, but she was, to say the least, a challenge. We spent a lot of time looking for help and, for a time, things did improve – she came to trust us more and I really thought we’d turned a corner. That didn’t last long though, as she met a young man and I think he turned her against us.
She ran away to live with him, and as by this time she was 18, we couldn’t stop her. Inevitably she became pregnant but, because they were using drugs, the baby was put into foster care. I tried to get social services to let us look after the baby, but they wouldn’t.
She thought we were responsible for what happened – we weren’t – but it turned her against us completely and, much as we love her, we don’t see her anymore. She’s 26 now and all I want is to build a better relationship with her and hopefully see my grandchild again, but I don’t know where to start.
TA
FIONA SAYS: What a very sad story – I’m so sorry to hear that in spite of all you’ve tried to do, you’ve never had sufficient support to be able to overcome the difficult beginnings your daughter had. Parenting a child is hard enough, but parenting one who has been so traumatised takes enormous patience and commitment. You have done your best under very difficult and trying circumstances, and it’s a great shame that you didn’t get more support when you needed it.
Hopefully, you can accept that while the current situation isn’t at all satisfactory, there is nothing more you could have done to improve things. You have managed to get your daughter to trust you once and, in time, I hope she will feel she can trust you again.
While you have had contact with social services, you don’t mention contact with other adoptive parents.
If you haven’t been up to now, I think you might find it helpful. I would strongly encourage you to contact the charity We Are Family (wearefamilyadoption.org.uk) that supports people just like you.
A great many children who are put forward for adoption have experienced abuse or neglect or have their own unique set of challenges. The charity was set up by adoptive parents who felt they needed to connect with others who had experienced the same challenges and isolation that adopting may entail. To see your grandchild, I would suggest you contact the social services in the area where your daughter lives and find out what access arrangements can be put in place.
Re-building a relationship with your daughter though might be harder. It might mean very small steps for now, but if you keep doing them regularly, your daughter may begin to trust and respond positively to them. It might be something as simple as a regular text message or it might be a weekly food parcel – whatever it is, let it be something you are comfortable with and feel able to do regularly.
Remember, now she is an adult, she would probably have left home anyway, so you are unlikely to build a relationship where she moves back into your home. Many parents only see their adult birth children a few times a year, so don’t feel you have failed if that’s what you achieve with your daughter.
Currently, she is probably traumatised at being parted from her baby too and will need time to process this. By making sure she knows you are there for her, she will, hopefully, in time come to recognise you only want to help her.
MY DAUGHTER BLAMES ME FOR DIVORCE
FOUR years ago, I went through a really messy divorce, and whilst the children lived with me rather than their dad, they have all subsequently moved out. I still have a great relationship with the elder two, but since the youngest left to go to university last year, she has refused to see me.
She wrote to me to say that she couldn’t forgive me for breaking her father’s heart – but I had to leave, as I’d had enough of his numerous affairs.
She returns, unopened, all cards, letters and presents I send her and puts the phone down when I call. I hate what has happened between us and would dearly love to see my daughter again, but as things stand this seems unlikely. What can I do? I love and miss her so much.
GW
FIONA SAYS: Unfortunately, like many young people, your daughter is looking at a complex problem and seeing it in purely black and white terms. It takes time and experience to realise that life is rarely this simple. Your daughter was clearly deeply upset by the divorce and has unfairly blamed you for everything – it may take time for her to see that there are two sides to every story.
You say you have a good relationship with your other two children – are they in touch with her? And what about your ex-husband? The divorce may have been messy, but if you are on amicable terms now, perhaps he would be willing to help.
For support, you might like to contact Mothers Apart from their Children (MATCH Mothers; matchmothers.org), which is a charity offering non-judgemental support and information.
