MY parents are so keen for me to have children, they’re putting a lot of pressure on me to marry and settle down. The problem is, I am more than happy to remain single! As I went to live with them during the last lockdown, the pressure has been ongoing for several months now.
Obviously, I’ve not had anyone in my life recently. But I had several men in my life before the pandemic and I’ve no reason to think that once things are back to normal, they will return. I have a great social life and, at 29, I’m nowhere near ready to even think about settling down. On top of that – and as far as my parents are concerned, this is a big issue – I’m pretty certain I don’t want children.
I don’t get maternal feelings around children at all – in fact, I find having other people’s children around positively irritating! I’m sure I’d be a diabolical parent. Until they can hold a reasonable conversation, I try and avoid being in the company of children at all.
This continued pressure from my parents is beginning to get me down, and I don’t know what’s the best way to tell them to stop going on about it. Are there any organisations that could help?
TR
FIONA SAYS: You have a right to decide what it best for you. At the moment, it sounds as if you’re not ready to commit to a relationship, let alone consider having children with anyone.
Although right now you’re happy as you are, you say you’re ‘pretty certain’ that you don’t want children, so you haven’t dismissed the idea completely. Nonetheless, remaining ‘child-free’ (as opposed to ‘child-less’ – someone who wants children but is unable to have them for some reason) is an increasingly popular lifestyle choice.
I absolutely believe you’re right to think having children should be a conscious decision. Yes, accidents happen and sometimes people are delighted – but not every child is a wanted child, which is tragic. How much happier would children be if they were actively wanted?
From your parents’ perspective, you are rejecting their life choices by refusing to settle with someone and have a child. That may be hard for them but as a parent myself, I know children don’t always do what we expect or want for them and that we must accept those choices, even when it’s hard.
When you don’t conform to what people regard as ‘normal’ (in this case, settling into a relationship and having children as soon as possible), they can become aggressive – I hope your parents aren’t like that. Whether they are or whether they are just confused though is their problem, not yours.
There are ways you can help them to understand though and you might be interested in some of the numerous books on the subject – use ‘child-free’ in a search engine for options. Perhaps also look at the website nonparents.com – an international group. The stories related on there by other people might help you.
Ultimately though, as long as you show people you are happy with your life and your choices, most will give you the space you need – even if they can’t understand.
HOW COULD MY BROTHER BEHAVE LIKE THIS?
I’M the youngest of four siblings and, now I’m in my 70s, I’m the only one left alive. My eldest brother was always a bit of a rebel, but he was always good to me. I was 16 when he left home and moved abroad and it left me heartbroken, especially as I never saw him again.
He wrote occasionally – from America, Australia and other countries too; he never seemed to stay anywhere for very long. He often mentioned girlfriends but as far as I know, he never married, and the letters stopped about 30 years ago.
So, it came as a real shock to be contacted via one of my nephews to be told that two people, who said they were his children, wanted to talk to me. They had found each other through one of these sites you can go on now and, through that, had found my nephew.
They really want to know more about their father – which I can quite understand. He hadn’t married either of their mothers and neither of them had any memory of him at all – it sounds like he left the mothers when they were pregnant. They believe there is another child as well but haven’t made contact yet.
My problem is, I feel so ashamed and embarrassed that I don’t know how I can face them. Both my mother and my grandmother would be appalled – we weren’t brought up to be so cavalier with other people’s feelings. His lack of respect and care for these women and children is unconscionable. What a dreadful thing for my brother to have done!
SL
FIONA SAYS: While I can understand you are shocked by the revelation that the brother you dearly loved has behaved in a way you don’t approve of, I am surprised you feel it reflects on you. I am sure that his children will be only too grateful to talk to you and find out more about their father, to ever consider passing any judgment on you.
And who knows what happened to him after he left home when you were 16? It may have been something deeply traumatic that changed him, or he might have been a commitment-phobe who treated other people badly. Alternatively, he might have always lacked respect and consideration for women – but perhaps you (his little sister) were an exception, or you just didn’t see it. You cannot go back and change the past, but you can help his children. Embrace the fact you have suddenly discovered two more relatives that you didn’t even know about. Share with them what you remember about your brother, about how you and he were brought up. Talk to them about your parents (their grandparents), about whom, presumably, they know nothing at all. You will be helping to fill in the blanks in their lives, and you may even find out more about what happened to your brother.
If the mothers are still alive then they may want to talk to you as well – don’t be afraid of this as I’m quite sure no-one will blame you. It might give you an opportunity to find out more about your brother and what happened to him.
The flow of information could go both ways and you may find that the hurt your clearly felt at ‘losing’ your brother all those years ago will lessen. I hope you will also feel able to forgive him – after all, he’s brought you into contact with a raft of new people you didn’t even know existed.
I KEEP DREAMING ABOUT EX PARTNERS
I LOVE my fiancé very much and we are due to marry shortly. My problem is though, I keep dreaming about all my ex-boyfriends and what might have been. I don’t know why I am doing this, as I do really want to get married and probably wouldn’t know how to cope if one of my exes appeared on the scene.
I haven’t told my fiancé about these feelings, even though we are very close and don’t keep secrets from each other. Surely it can’t be right to marry while I feel like this?
FK
FIONA SAYS: You clearly love your fiancé, and your emotions are bound to be fairly close to the surface if you’re in the throes of planning a wedding. It’s quite normal to have doubts of some kind, but it’s also quite normal for strange ideas to surface. You’re making a commitment to one person, and it wouldn’t be surprising that your mind is examining past options and reflecting, as you say, on what might have been. Try and accept that these are just dreams, they are not reality, and they’re not an indication of any serious doubts on your part.
If you have any doubts when you’re conscious – i.e. awake – that’s a different matter entirely. Again, pre-wedding jitters are perfectly common, but serious doubts should be examined. You’ve not given any indication that you’ve got any doubts when you’re awake, so if that is the case, please try to stop worrying and enjoy planning your wedding.
The dreams may not stop right away but they should eventually – when your subconscious puts these ex-boyfriends back in the past where they belong.
IS MY RELATIONSHIP ON OR OFF?
I CAN’T work out if my relationship with my boyfriend is on or off! We broke up last year, but have seen one another on and off since then, because he said he was concerned about me and wanted us to still be friends.
When we broke up, I was heartbroken and seeing him occasionally was like a kind of lifeline. The thing is though, he has bought me little gifts and on a couple of occasions has tried to kiss me. Are we back together or not?
He acts so strangely sometimes that I don’t think we can be back together. But at other times, he is so kind and loving. Should I carry on as we are or make a break?
CA
FIONA SAYS: There are many possibilities here, and what happens next would seem to be up to you. It may be that, with limited options to meet new people over the past 18 months, he’s hung onto you because he doesn’t want to feel alone or is keeping his options open because he can’t decide. It may be that he genuinely cares for you as a friend, and just gets a bit confused sometimes. Perhaps he is stringing you along because he doesn’t want to risk being seen without a girlfriend altogether, or perhaps it makes him feel good to keep you dangling on a string. Have you asked him?
Whatever the reason, he seems prepared to just let things drift on as they are, whereas you’re looking for clarity. What do you want? The only way you are going to find out is to give yourself a bit of time and space of your own. Tell him you need time alone for a while to give yourself a chance to think. Use the time to build an independent life for yourself with new friends and interests.
Maybe you will get back together afterwards, or you will just be fond friends, or maybe the relationship will come to a final end. Either way, you will both need to communicate.
If you have a problem you need help with, email Fiona by writing to help@askfiona.net for advice. All letters are treated in complete confidence and, to protect this privacy, Fiona is unable to pass on your messages to other readers. Fiona regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence.
