I MET my now ex-husband when I was just 16. He was 24 at the time and, against my parents’ wishes, we moved in together. I thought he was going to give me a happy and safe family life, but boy was I wrong.
Within two or three months, he started physically, mentally and emotionally abusing me, and I wasn’t allowed to contact my parents or see any friends or family, just his side. I fell pregnant and his family made me marry him, as they didn’t want any ‘illegitimate’ children in their family. He told me that if I ever tried to leave, he would make out I was a drug addict and an unfit mother and that his family would take the kids.
The abuse continued but I went on to have three more children – then he started taking heroin and social services got involved. It all became too much and I finally broke and started taking drugs too, so social services took the children and put them into his sister’s care. I had weekly supervised visits, until I was told it was upsetting the children and it was too much for them to see me anymore.
Last October, at the age of 34, I had a stroke and lost the movement down my left side. I would like to have a good relationship with my kids again, but I know it’s going to be hard as his family have made me out to be a bad parent, but it was the two of us that failed them.
Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated, as to how I might in the future at least get them at the weekends? I’ve been in touch with social services.
SM
FIONA SAYS: There is no easy answer to this, and I wish I could say that if you do one or two things, then you will be able to see your children again and all will be well. I’m afraid it’s unlikely to be like that at all.
Aside from the fact social services are, or have been, involved with the care of your children, you will have to overcome several years of the influence of their father’s family. And, they may well not want to see you.
You say that it was you and your husband that failed your children, but you’re being very hard on yourself for saying that. Coping, for years, with systematic abuse and lack of support from friends and family will have taken a huge toll on you. Please note, I am not saying this was their fault – it is a common tactic from abusers to cut their victims off from those who might be able to help them. You were just a 16-year-old teenager when you got together with an older man, who took advantage of you in so many ways.
You don’t say if you’ve been in touch with your family and friends again since separating from your husband but, if you haven’t done, perhaps you could try and make contact with them, if that feels right for you? I don’t know the history of those relationships, but maybe they would be happy to help support you?
If they’re not, then you need to find people who will help you – you need new, supportive people around you that will help you to be strong and avoid slipping back out of control. Have you had professional support for yourself, for example from addiction and domestic abuse services? It is never too late to seek support and counselling can be extremely helpful.
While talking to people in social services may not have been easy over the past months of lockdown, I’d suggest you ask for an appointment to meet in person as soon as is practical. I would also suggest you speak to Citizens Advice (citizensadvice.org.uk) who may be able to provide you with legal advice that could help you to make your case.
BUMPED INTO MY FIRST LOVE – NOW I CAN’T STOP THINKING ABOUT HIM
LAST month, I bumped into an old boyfriend. I didn’t recognise him at first behind his mask, but he recognised me and spoke to me. I haven’t been able to stop thinking about him since.
We parted about nine years ago, when he ditched me for someone else. At the time, I was fairly messed up by the whole thing and swore that if I ever saw him again, I would claw his eyes out!
So, what did I do? I just stood there and chatted to him, as though we were long-lost friends! I even suggested we go for a drink. I really don’t know what I was thinking, because I am now 28 and happily married with two children. I just went all stupid and giddy again, as he was just as gorgeous as he was when I was a teenager. He could so easily have taken advantage of the situation, but thankfully he declined, saying he was too busy – he did give me his business card though and suggested I should get in touch if I’d like to.
I feel so cross with myself not only for agreeing to see him, but also because he’s been on my mind ever since. The thing is though, will I be able to resist making contact with him? I truly love my husband, but this was my first love.
AB
FIONA SAYS: I can’t tell you if you’ll be able to resist seeing this man again, but I’m fairly certain it is something you should resist. It seems clear that your sub-conscious has forgiven this man, even if your conscious self hasn’t. I think you know that it wouldn’t do you any good at all if you really had clawed his eyes out. Nor would you do your marriage, your children, or yourself any good if you were to see him again.
It’s very hard not to have a strong emotional reaction to the first person you fell in love with – even when you’ve happily in love with someone else. What you saw when you first fell for him over nine years ago, was what you undoubtedly saw when you met him again. But consider what happened and how things have changed since. Were you to foolishly start an affair with this man, what is to say he wouldn’t treat you in the same way again?
Furthermore, did you find out about his circumstances? He gave you a business number rather than a personal one – that might be because he is also in a relationship and wouldn’t want his wife/partner to find out if he began an affair. It might also be because it would be easier for him to give you the brush off if you were to call his office – an assistant, for example, could be answering his calls.
It might help if you were to contact friends who saw you go through the heartbreak he caused you at the time, and tell them about your meeting. I am sure they would soon help you to see him in a new light.
Try to accept what has happened, you met an old friend with whom you parted on bad terms. He is not someone you need to see again, nor I suspect does he really want to see you, otherwise he would have tried a lot harder. Put the past behind you where it belongs, and concentrate on building a future with the man you love and your children.
MY BOYFRIEND WANTS TO MEET OTHER WOMEN
MY boyfriend and I got together over a year ago, and while lockdown kept us apart initially, we moved in together before Christmas. We both agreed from the start that we would keep one night each week free to do things separately.
I have a circle of friends that I continued to see (remotely), and we’d go out for walks, taking coffee and sometimes drinks. He didn’t seem to go out much but spent a lot of time on his computer.
Now lockdown restrictions are easing, he says he wants to go out and meet up with other girls on our night apart. This really worries me – because I’m worried it won’t be long before he meets someone else and leaves me. I don’t want to lose him, so should I try and put a stop to it?
WA
FIONA SAYS: I wonder why your boyfriend feels the need to date other women if he’s with you. Is that what he thinks you’re doing? I suspect he’s been more worried about your outings than he’s let on, and perhaps thinks he has reason to be concerned about these friends? His way of countering this may be to suggest he has a host of other girls just waiting to whisk him away. Have you asked him what’s going on, and told him how you feel?
In time, as your relationship develops and he sees that you love him, he may grow more confident and drop the pretence. He may just be waiting for you to insist that he stops and thus show that you love and want only him. It could be a case of a very fragile male ego. Or, it might be something else. Either way, it sounds like you both need to talk about this.
DEVASTATED SINCE MY HUSBAND LEFT ME FOR SOMEONE ELSE
JUST over 18 months ago, after nearly 20 years of marriage, my husband left me for another woman that he had been seeing for some time. At the time, I was too stunned and shocked to care why – besides, he left so quickly, there was no time to talk even if I’d wanted to. My life just drifted after that and lockdown certainly didn’t help.
I started to feel that things would never improve, unless I understood why he had gone, so I decided to go and call on him. I don’t know quite what I was expecting but when he answered the door, he refused to let me into his house.
He told me I was a dreadful wife; that his new partner was everything I hadn’t been, and that he had never felt we had anything in common. I was devastated.
I realised then that there must have been something wrong with me and I haven’t stopped crying since. He’s a good man and I can’t cope without him. Please help.
AK
FIONA SAYS: Let’s get one thing straight here; this is not the behaviour of a ‘good man’! I suspect he was embarrassed and disconcerted when you turned up at his door, but his behaviour sounds appalling. His new partner may be very different to you, but he is the one who had an affair behind your back; who left you in the lurch; and who now hasn’t even the decency to treat you with respect. Some ‘good man’ he turned out to be!
I know it hurts and that coping alone is hard, especially as being left by a partner like this is almost worse than a bereavement. You have all the feelings of loss, coupled with this dreadful rejection.
Tough though it seems, you can make a new life for yourself, away from a man who has treated you so appallingly. Dry your tears and start to get angry – because this man deserves your anger! I would suggest you make an appointment with a Relate counsellor (relate.org.uk) to help you to come to terms with what has happened and lay the foundations for a happier future.
If you have a problem you need help with, email Fiona by writing to help@askfiona.net for advice. All letters are treated in complete confidence and, to protect this privacy, Fiona is unable to pass on your messages to other readers. Fiona regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence.
