Life

Ask Fiona: How can I get my marriage back on track?

Columnist and trained counsellor Fiona Caine offers her perspective on a woman struggling with marriage issues and another who is reluctant to attend a family event

You need to approach a marriage counsellor
You need to approach a marriage counsellor You need to approach a marriage counsellor

I FEEL trapped in a corner with no way out. I don’t know if I want a way out, but I am totally heartbroken and lost. I met my present husband 11 years ago (I cheated on my previous husband of 20 years with him) and he was the love that I never knew existed.

He worshipped me, loved me, was so attentive, caring and beautiful on every level, and I was absolutely head over heels in love and still am – I just want to make it right again.

He moved to be near me so I could be close to my elderly parents and, after my dad died, we moved my mum in with us. I found it hard so he must have struggled; I tried to stretch myself in all directions and didn’t knowingly love him any less or want him any less, but that is how he felt.

We run a successful company together, but he works away three nights a week to source stock. When his mum died five years ago, some traumatic childhood memories started to come back to him of abuse, including being raped by his father. All this pain is beyond understanding and I can’t imagine what he is going through. The doctor referred him for counselling, which is where I see things going wrong. He used to share everything with me but, when counselling started, he stopped having a physical relationship with me.

He said he even felt it hard to cuddle due to all the memories coming back, so I accepted this, but it has now been two years since we made love and it breaks my heart. Then I found he’d been posting on dating sites, although he denied it and said it was someone trying to get revenge on him about the business.

Up ’til then, I wouldn’t have dreamt he would cheat on me, but then I found a note on his iPad which implied he’d been having online sex with someone, so now I can’t sleep and I am totally possessed.

I love this man, who has had so many terrible things happen to him. I know he felt totally put out by my mother and rejected by me, even though that wasn’t my intention at all. We have a lovely home together and a business, and it feels like karma has come to get me for what I did to my first husband. How can I get things back to where they were and resurrect this marriage?

VK

FIONA SAYS: First of all, please forgive me for heavily editing down your email; I hope I have retained the sense of what you’ve tried to tell me but there simply isn’t space for everything you’ve said.

All marriages go through change, and levels of intimacy will vary from time to time. However, what is happening here doesn’t sound like a normal change in behaviour at all. Clearly, the loss of his mother and the counselling he is undergoing has stirred up some very strong feelings in your husband. You say your mother moving in was the beginning of this change, but perhaps it wasn’t a case of him feeling excluded, so much as watching you share your affection with someone else. He clearly didn’t have the same loving relationship with his parents as you had with yours.

What he has gone through must have had a traumatic effect on him, as you’ve realised. But I don’t know – and neither can you – whether these ‘affairs’ are a need for validation in some way. Is he hoping to prove he is loveable? We don’t even really know if these are real affairs or – as you intimated – he might even be paying for a service of some kind.

While he is having counselling – which is a good thing and definitely important – it is counselling focused on his past life and how he is dealing with it. It is not counselling about your marriage, which I think is probably also needed if you are going to get your relationship back on track. Relate (relate.org.uk) – as I’m sure you’ve read in this column many times before – is the organisation to contact for help.

Even if you can’t persuade him to attend with you, it would, I think, be helpful for you to talk things through with them. You may think that starting again isn’t an option for you, but if your husband is cheating on you and using his past as an excuse for this behaviour, it is something you should think about.

As for karma, fate, call it what you will, I don’t believe you leaving your ex-husband has anything to do with this!

HOW DO WE REFUSE THIS INVITATION WITHOUT CAUSING UPSET?

LAST year, just before the pandemic halted all family get-togethers, I went to my husband’s parents’ 50th anniversary party. It was a wonderful time. We had an intimate family dinner, which included us and our children, his brother and sister, and of course their children as well.

My husband’s grandmother, who was 90 at the time, was also there, and normally this isn’t of any consequence as we’ve always got along so well. When it was over, we all hugged each other goodbye as usual.

Three days after the event however, I received a call from my mother-in-law, who informed me that her mom had called and spoken to a lawyer. She had accused me and my husband’s brother’s wife of attacking her, claiming we had pushed her and roughed her up so bad that her neck was still aching.

I felt like someone had kicked me in the gut because I was so shocked that she would falsely accuse us of these things. Her doctor, who she had her lawyer call, explained that she is in the early stages of dementia and all was dropped.

Next month it’s her birthday, for which she would like all the adults to go to dinner at one of her favourite restaurants. My sister-in-law and I don’t really want to go, as ‘once bitten, twice shy’ seems to apply here. How do we refuse politely, without hurting our mother-in-law’s feelings? She feels this will be one of the last birthdays she will get to spend with her mother.

Up until this, we were an extremely close-knit family. Now my sister-in-law and I feel we’re forced to keep people at arm’s length, because she took the time to get legal counsel on an event that never happened. Please help us with a politically correct polite answer.

SE

FIONA SAYS: What a terrible thing to have happened – it must have been shocking to have been accused of something like this. It is quite understandable that you and your sister-in-law would be reluctant to be in company with your husband’s grandmother again after this.

Dementia is a cruel illness that also affects everyone around the person with the condition. And while, sadly, some people with the condition are mistreated, hopefully this lady hasn’t been. I’m quite sure you realise that were she not ill, she would be horrified to think she had hurt you in this way.

As your mother-in-law was the person who told you about the accusations last year, I am sure she would understand that you would be nervous about putting yourself in the same position again. Have you spoken to her since about the incident? If not, I would encourage you both to do so.

As much as I’m sure she loves her mother, she cannot expect to expose you to a similar incident again. The fact that this get-together is to take place in a public restaurant might make things easier though. Your mother-in-law could arrange to get there first with her mother, and have her seated with people on either side of her.

Time things so that you and your sister-in-law are the last people to arrive, and that way you won’t be able to get close to her. I would then suggest you arrange to be the first to leave at the end of the meal. Talk all this through with your mother-in-law; I’m sure she will understand.

MY HUSBAND’S SNORING DRIVES ME TO DESPAIR

MY elderly mother has just moved in with us and I have put her in our spare bedroom. I am happy to do this, but what’s causing me great concern is that I have used this room for the past eight years as a refuge from my husband’s snoring. Now we have to share the same bedroom and I don’t know what to do.

Prior to sleeping in separate rooms, my husband’s snoring had made me suicidal, and I don’t want to get like that again. I wish I could find some way to stop him from snoring. I’ve tried several old remedies – including sewing a ball in the back of his pyjamas and wearing earplugs – but nothing’s worked. I am getting desperately tired again, please help.

LR

FIONA SAYS: Whilesnoring is seen as somehow humorous, to those that are plagued by sleepless nights, it is far from funny. In the past, people have had to put up with a snoring partner or resort to the spare room but, for you, this is no longer an option.

Serious snoring is a medical condition that can be dangerous, so I suggest you get your husband to visit his doctor. He may well then be referred to a sleep clinic where they can check to see if he’s affected by any of the conditions which can be treated.

As well as doing this, and certainly if there is no medical intervention that can help, contact the British Snoring and Sleep Apnoea Association (britishsnoring.co.uk). You will find all kinds of helpful advice on their website about causes as well as treatments. Finally, could you put an extra bed in your mother’s room, just so you can escape if necessary?

I’M CONSTANTLY EXHAUSTED AFTER COVID

LAST October, I had coronavirus, which has dragged on and on. At the time, it laid me out for four days with a raging temperature, shivers, headaches, breathlessness, and nausea. Ever since then, I have felt tired and lethargic and even just walking to the corner to post a letter has become a real chore.

I have had to get my husband and children to do all the shopping and cooking etc, which was no fun over Christmas. My husband, who has so far been very supportive, is beginning to show signs of resentment and last week snapped at me to pull myself together. Believe me, I have tried, but I just haven’t got the energy.

ST

FIONA SAYS: My first and best advice must be ‘go and see your doctor’. From what you say in your letter, it’s possible you may be suffering from what is being called long Covid, which has been found to drag on for some time.

‘Post-viral fatigue syndrome’ or M.E. might also be behind this, and it can drag on for a very long time, but you need a proper diagnosis. Tell your doctor all your symptoms and details of how long you’ve had them. Don’t leave it and longer before getting help or treatment – this has gone on for far too long already.

If you have a problem you need help with, email Fiona by writing to help@askfiona.net for advice. All letters are treated in complete confidence and, to protect this privacy, Fiona is unable to pass on your messages to other readers. Fiona regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence.