Life

Ask Fiona: My husband died of Covid and I feel totally lost and alone

Columnist and trained counsellor Fiona Caine advises a woman dealing with grief after the death of her husband and a young girl whose boyfriend wants to keep her pregnancy a secret

You need to speak to a grief counsellor as soon as possible
You need to speak to a grief counsellor as soon as possible You need to speak to a grief counsellor as soon as possible

I AM in pieces and don’t know where to begin. My husband died last week – he was only 54 and although he was overweight and had diabetes, he seemed quite healthy. He had a stroke, then he caught Covid-19 and that was that – he died within three weeks.

Now I don’t know what to do. I don’t know who to turn to for help and I’m not coping. Both our children have left home, and the house feels so empty. I can’t imagine my life without him in it – he’s been the one constant through everything that’s happened, and I’ll never find that with anyone again.

I can’t get over the fear that I was responsible, as although he always stressed that we needed to be careful, I perhaps wasn’t as careful as I should have been.

What if I picked it up and brought it home? I had a bit of a headache and sore throat about a month ago, after meeting some of my work colleagues in town, but didn’t think anything of it and it only lasted a day or two.

I can’t sleep as I’m crying all the time, and my brother-in-law’s no help as he says I just have to get on with it. It’s alright for him – he’s living with his girlfriend – but I’m here in the house on my own. How do people ‘get on with it’ when something like this happens?

MS

FIONA SAYS: People don’t just ‘get on with it’ – they have to grieve, and they all do so in their own time and in their own way. What’s more, people may need help to do the things necessary to process the loss, and eventually begin to move forwards.

It’s a huge trauma, and sadly an awful lot of people are going through something similar right now – including the fear that they may be in some way responsible. I’m sure your brother-in-law is trying to put on a brave face – perhaps he thinks that will help you – but I expect he is grieving too; it’s just that he will be doing it in his own way.

Being on your own in an empty house doesn’t sound good for you right now – do you, perhaps, have a friend who could move in? Or is there someone you could stay with? I realise lockdown restrictions may make this difficult, but your mental health is important and you could do with support during this difficult time. If you are living alone, it may be possible to look at this as a bubble arrangement, so that you’re still keeping safe.

I would really encourage you to make contact with Sudden (sudden.org), an early intervention service set up specifically to help people cope with sudden deaths.

The organisation provides emotional and practical support in the first 10 weeks following an unexpected bereavement. It also helps people who are caring for others who are bereaved in this way.

The service is free and provides both emotional and practical support. You would be allocated a named, qualified professional caseworker who would help you cope with what you’re going through right now. The caseworker will listen, in confidence, to how you are feeling, and help you feel safe and supported.

They will also put you in touch with local services and provide support with practical needs, such as stopping junk mail or understanding a will. They will also help you if you are struggling with a lack of income. You can also contact them by calling 0800 2600 400, which I would encourage you to do right away as the sooner you get help, the better.

There are other sources of support out there too, as well as grief counselling. And if you do feel you are finding it hard to cope, you can also speak with your GP. These services all exist for a reason – because they are widely needed.

I am not going to insult you by saying this will get easier – the next few weeks and months will be hard. But, with support, you will be able to get through it.

BOYFRIEND WANTS TO KEEP PREGNANCY QUIET

I’M 16 and pregnant and still live at home with my parents, who don’t yet know about it. My boyfriend is 18 and thinks we should try to keep things quiet for a while, as both sets of parents will hit the roof when they find out.

He says he wants to find a way to break it to them gently, but although I’m also worried how they’re going to react, I’m not sure I want to hide this from my parents.

When I told my boyfriend I wanted to tell them, he became angry and said I was being disloyal. He’s never shouted at me like this before and now I’m upset and confused. Our parents are going to find out sooner or later, so why not tell them now, as I could certainly use their support.

DN

FIONA SAYS: There’s a lot going on here. What’s happening with your boyfriend is one thing. But importantly, if you are pregnant, it really is best to seek the appropriate support as soon as possible.

Your boyfriend is clearly worried as to how your parents (and possibly his) will react. I don’t know why he thinks delaying telling them will make things any easier – I suspect he’s worried about how they will treat him. You are young and although you’re not under-age, he is probably justified in thinking your parents won’t be happy about this. Point out to him that they are more likely to be angry the longer you leave it. Instead of hiding from his responsibilities, your boyfriend needs to face up to them.

I think you’re right to feel upset and confused though – he shouldn’t be putting pressure on you. Perhaps he has a poor relationship with his parents, and doesn’t appreciate you have a good one with yours.

I believe you need to trust your instincts here and tell them – as you say, you need support, and you will soon need healthcare both for yourself and for your baby. Your parents may be distressed, even angry, but I am sure their concern will be for you.

Have you spoken to your GP about being pregnant? It’s a good idea to do this soon, regardless of anything else going on. If you’d like to talk to somebody trained in these areas, for information and confidential advice and support, Brook would be a good organisation to have a look at (brook.org.uk).

SHOULD I GIVE MY NEPHEW A PIECE OF MY MIND?

MY brother is 82 and lives on his own. He’s not very mobile but does enjoy getting out in his car occasionally. However, last month it broke down and his son offered to fix it for him.

As he’s a mechanic, that seemed like a good idea, but he’s had the car for six weeks now and still hasn’t fixed it. I’ve never had a lot of time for my nephew, who has always been the same – lazy and unreliable. I feel very angry about it and have told my brother that I think I should have a go at him, but my brother doesn’t want me to.

He’s always been soft on his son and he says he’ll get the car back eventually. I am still angry though and feel like giving my thoughtless nephew a piece of my mind.

LA

FIONA SAYS: Are you so sure he’s being thoughtless? It may be that your nephew is worried about his father going out and about in the car right now – after all, there are restrictions in place, and being 82 puts him at extra risk. In addition, it may be that he is concerned about his father’s driving – have you driven with your brother lately?

On the other hand, perhaps he is very busy and has other things going on in his life. Or perhaps he can’t fix the car until he orders some expensive parts for it – all sorts of things might be going on. You say you’ve ‘never had a lot of time’ for your nephew, so are you sure you’re being fair here?

If you interfere, what would you really achieve? You might force your nephew into fixing the car, but it could be that it’s a caring son’s way of keeping his dad off the roads!

If you want to talk to your nephew, by all means do so – perhaps even offer to pay for the car to be fixed, if you can afford it. But don’t just have a go at him, when you don’t have the full picture. Use the opportunity to open a discussion – ask him without being angry – to see if there isn’t more to this than you’ve considered.

You say your nephew has always been ‘lazy and unreliable’, so it doesn’t sound as if your relationship with him is particularly good. So be careful not to make things worse without finding out what’s really going on.

MY HUSBAND SOLD HIS BUSINESS BEFORE LOCKDOWN AND IT’S CAUSED A BIG STRAIN

AFTER 15 years of running his own company, my husband decided, just before lockdown started last year, that he’d had enough.

Over the previous few years, there had been an explosion of regulatory paperwork for his line of business, as well as new stringent annual competency testing. He felt he was too old to learn all this new material, and was certainly beyond going back to college. He said that what he wanted to do was find something else, perhaps in a less stressful area. He sold the business and has since been looking for something else to do.

Of course, when he sold it, we had no idea we’d face a second and now third lockdown. He very quickly realised that buying an established business was going to be too expensive – although I suppose that may have changed by now, as so many have gone to the wall.

If he wants to remain self-employed, he’s probably going to have to start again from scratch – a prospect that makes him panic, which leads to us arguing with each other. The past year has been a huge strain for both of us and sometimes I find it hard to forgive my husband for putting us through this.

SW

FIONA SAYS: I know it has been a strain for you, but please try not to blame your husband. The whole pandemic has put huge numbers of relationships under strain. Whilst the added pressure of trying to find a new line of business has added to your problems, other relationships have faced redundancies, health issues and more.

It’s been a dreadful time for everyone and mental health – as well as physical health – has become a huge concern. I’m sure your husband has found the strain just as difficult – and thinking of starting something new, when all this is going on, doesn’t sound easy.

I don’t know what his old business was, but had he retained it, there is no guarantee things would necessarily be better now. He might have had to make staff redundant or put them on furlough – indeed, his business might not have survived at all.

It sounds as though things had become increasingly difficult for him, and that must have been stressful. Ignoring that could have led to being in an even worse situation right now, with ever more stress.

So please, although I can see it’s difficult, do try to see some positives in what has happened. You’re facing a challenging and uncertain future, but if you’re to come through it, you need to be strong and work together, and be a supportive team.

Also, try not to panic. With things as they are, perhaps it is useful to take time to consider carefully what he does next. Giving time and thought to the future might mean he sees something completely different that utilises his skills and experience.

If you have a problem you need help with, email Fiona by writing to help@askfiona.net for advice. All letters are treated in complete confidence and, to protect this privacy, Fiona is unable to pass on your messages to other readers. Fiona regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence.