OVER the past few months of regular work Zoom calls, I’ve got to know people in our organisation better than I had before. It’s been interesting to see inside people’s homes and find out a bit more about them. There’s one man that I really seem to have hit it off with – we’d not met before these calls as we’re in different departments.
During an online training session, we were paired off together for an exercise. We found out we had so much in common and since then we’ve started online chatting privately outside the group sessions too, usually every day.
It’s no surprise that he has since become a good friend and we’ve started to confide in each other about things that are bothering us. There’s so much to worry about right now, and to have someone I feel I can trust is wonderful. However, far from being happy, I am now very confused.
At some stage in the past few weeks, I’ve realised that my feelings of friendship for this man have changed to love.
The problem is, I am not sure how he feels about me.
I want to tell him how I feel, but if he rejects me, I am worried this will then ruin what has become a very important friendship.
Should I tell him? And do you think he feels the same way about me? Of course, this is all online at the moment – we’ve never actually met face to face.
VC
FIONA SAYS: He might indeed feel the same way, and has only held back because he wasn’t sure how you felt about him.
Alternatively, he may regard this as a good friendship and no more. There is no way of you knowing this (any more than I can) unless you try to find out.
I would suggest caution though, as there’s not much you can do to progress this relationship presently with restrictions in place – so what will you achieve if you push for an answer now? Under normal circumstances, I’d be suggesting you propose getting together for a coffee or an after-work drink. You can’t do that though, and if you were to start trying to push for a romantic edge to your online relationship, you could risk losing it.
It sounds as if you’re both working from home and that, in your case at least, you’re feeling isolated and lonely. That makes your regular contact with this man a vital link for you, and whether his feelings are romantic or not, you’re obviously important to him as well right now. In other words, you both need this friendship right now, and as it can’t progress to anything more intimate until lockdown ends, why risk it?
Once we’re all free to move around again then I’d still caution you to tread carefully. Maybe suggest meeting for that coffee first rather than an after-work drink, just to see how it goes. You don’t want to ruin a good working relationship and although you believe you’ve fallen for him, when you meet him ‘in the flesh’, you may find you feel differently.
Keep things relaxed to begin with and see where they lead. If you find you really do like him and he seems willing to spend time with you but doesn’t give you any clues as to his feelings, you could be the one to move things forward. Suggest a dinner rather than coffee; if you get some good news, tell him you’d like to celebrate it with someone important to you. Hopefully, with enough dropped hints, he’ll take the message that you’re keen to date. If he doesn’t, you won’t have lost anything and will still retain a friend.
CAN I GET A DIY DIVORCE?
OVER the past 15 years or so, my husband and I have lived separate lives. We haven’t slept together, we hardly talk, and the only time we eat at the same table is when our children visit, which isn’t often. During lockdown, things became even more distant – we’ve both been working from home and, because of our schedules, rarely even see one another.
It’s all made me realise that I have wasted too much time on bitterness and regret. What I should have been doing is making a new life for myself – I’d have been better off living on my own during this time, as at least I’d have been able to bubble with someone. I have decided, therefore, that we need to get a divorce.
I assume that, in view of my living circumstances, this shouldn’t be too difficult – not that I’ve spoken to my husband about it. The thing is though, other than the house we live in, neither of us has much money. I’m worried that the process will be expensive and I don’t know where we’d find the money to pay a solicitor, for example. Are DIY divorces possible, and if so, how does one go about it?
DP
FIONA SAYS: I would normally be encouraging couples to consider counselling and giving their relationship one last chance but, after 15 years of living apart, together, it doesn’t sound like this would help.
It is possible to ‘Do-It-Yourself’ with divorce, the Government website (gov.uk/divorce) has probably got all the information you need. Providing the divorce is straightforward and both partners can agree amicably about any assets – like your house, for example – then it shouldn’t be too costly.
Although you and your husband are out of practice at talking to one another, I do think you’re going to need to do this, however. You need to agree together how things will be divided up – will you want to sell the house you’re living in and both start afresh somewhere new?
Will one of you want to retain the property and buy the other out? What about joint possessions – who will have what?
The government website will link you to ‘Advice Now’ (advicenow.org.uk) which has a really helpful guide on financial settlements for divorcing couples. The aim of the guide is to help you understand what a judge might do in your case. If you can reach a fair agreement with one another, it could save you from having to go to court.
You mention your children – presumably they are aware that the two of you have little to do with one another, but they might still be surprised at your decision to separate.
I would encourage you to talk to them too, in case they have any input you want to consider.
I’m sure you’re aware that there is all manner of grounds for divorce, but you can apply for a divorce if you’ve been separated for at least two years and you both agree to it.
As you’re still living together in the same house, you will need to show that you’ve not been living together as a couple (for example, you sleep and eat apart). As part of the process, you will need to agree this in writing.
If you and your husband cannot agree then you could consider using a mediator – and if money is an issue, you might be able to apply for Legal Aid. Another useful source of help and advice would you your local branch of Citizens Advice (citizensadvice.org.uk) which also has a very useful section on ending relationships. I hope things go smoothly for you and that you’re both able to move on to a happier life.
WOULD IT BE WRONG TO EXPAND MY BUSINESS?
I WAS made redundant some five years ago and, thanks to a generous redundancy payment from my old employer, I was able to start my own business. As I was working in the same type of business, I had to sign an agreement with him not to set up in competition within a 30-mile radius for a period of four years.
I have honoured that, and things have gone well for me, but I’d now like to expand and create another branch in my hometown. Although I’m technically free to do so, I still feel a bit awkward, especially as my old employer was good to me and any business I set is bound to affect his.
On top of that, I gather he’s not been coping well and has had to furlough staff.
Would it be so wrong to, technically, go into competition with him?
HL
FIONA SAYS: Your feelings of loyalty to your old employer do you credit – but you’ve honoured your agreement, so I don’t think you should feel guilty about wanting to set up another branch closer to home. You were made redundant, you’ve worked hard and done well for yourself – don’t apologise for that.
Have you done your market-research though? There might be strong, local economic reasons why your ex-employer is not doing well in this town, which could be important considerations for you too.
If you still want to go ahead but are concerned about how your ex-employer will react, why not contact him to talk about it? Whilst he may not welcome competition, I’m sure he’s realistic enough to know that there is very little he can do about it. It’s also possible that the reason his business isn’t doing well is that he’s lost interest in it – you might be able to offer to buy him out, rather than start afresh.
HOW CAN I RESCUE OUR RELATIONSHIP?
MY PARTNER is 21 and I am 20 and we’ve been together for three years – I know we were young, but I was pregnant, and we were very much in love. We now have two children but seem to be arguing and sniping at each other all the time.
My partner works hard but also spends a lot of time away from home with his cycling. This leaves me to look after our children, do the housework and find time to study.
We were once very happy together, so what has gone wrong?
My parents separated when I was only seven and I don’t want my children to have to go through this. What should I do to rescue things?
MP
FIONA SAYS: You were relatively young when the two of you got together, and while young love can last, people change so much between 16 and 25 that they can grow apart all too easily. Expectations, attitudes and interests develop, and this often puts enormous strain on relationships between young couples, especially when there are children involved.
If you want to rescue this relationship before the cracks becomes permanent, you need to identify what has gone wrong and what you both need from each other. This means talking through your problems, and both being prepared to listen, rather than snipe!
For the sake of your children and each other, I’d really encourage you to talk – and if you can’t do this alone, a Relate (relate.org.uk) counsellor would almost certainly be able to help you.
If you have a problem you need help with, email Fiona by writing to help@askfiona.net for advice. All letters are treated in complete confidence and, to protect this privacy, Fiona is unable to pass on your messages to other readers. Fiona regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence.
