YOU’RE going to think this is silly, but I really hate the fact that I’m so short. I’m just under 5ft and I’m fed up with the fact so many people treat me like a child because of my height. The stupid comments they make and the names they call me, like ‘titch’ and ‘squirt’, may seem funny to them, but they aren’t to me.
I am quite sporty and like playing tennis, but in trainers I look tiny and then the remarks really start. At work I can wear very high heels and sharp suits which helps, and I have done quite well in the company. Having said that, some of the other supervisors do tend to talk down to me and fail to recognise I’m on the same grade as they are.
I suppose I’ve got the reputation of being quite aggressive, because I’m always having to stand up for myself. One of the good things about having worked from home over the past few months is that no one can tell how short I am in video conferences. I think many of them have forgotten my height, and I’ve found there’s been less teasing and more respect when they can only see my face.
The thing is, when this ends, I’m going to have to go back into the same environment and I’m dreading it. I’m 26 now, so there’s no chance of me growing naturally any more – but is there anything, medically or surgically, that can be done to make me taller? The thought of spending the rest of my life looking up to everyone makes me feel really depressed.
BL
FIONA SAYS: It seems unlikely that there is any medical reason why you’ve not grown any taller. That means any treatment that is done to you will probably be seen as ‘cosmetic’ and something you have to pay for.
There are growth hormone drugs, but as far as I’m aware they are only used for specific circumstances for children. Trying to take any drugs of this nature without proper medical approval and supervision could be very dangerous. Surgery to encourage bone growth does exist – but again, this is only used in specific circumstances and sounds like a very lengthy, painful procedure. Not to mention very expensive if you were paying for it.
But all of these points are things you would need to discuss with a fully qualified doctor. What I can suggest though, is finding ways to work on your self-worth and not let other people get to you. It sounds like you’re doing really well with your career and clearly have a lot going for you, plus you have hobbies you enjoy.
I am sorry you’ve had to deal with teasing, and that it feels like some people talk down to you. That’s not silly at all. While you’ve been away from your colleagues and friends and they’ve only had to interact with via video, you say there has been less of this. It sounds like lockdown has been beneficial for you in this sense – so could you perhaps build on this to boost your own confidence about your height?
If you had more confidence in yourself and rose above their teasing rather than reacting to it, they might give up. However, if it really is a big concern and these worries are causing you anxiety or it feels like they’re holding you back, could you consider speaking with a counsellor or confidence coach? It might help to have the chance to process all those feelings out loud.
Keep in mind that being tall isn’t an automatic passport to the good life and happiness, either. I can tell you that many of the tall people I know would love to be your size – not least because it would make them less susceptible to back problems!
There are always going to be people who are insensitive, but don’t let them get to you. Instead, concentrate on the positive things in your life, your friends, your family and your plans for the future. These are the things that bring true happiness to life – not how tall you are.
I’M ENGAGED BUT CAN’T STOP THINKING ABOUT MY EX
I HAVE recently got engaged but instead of being happy, I cannot stop thinking about my first boyfriend. We’ve had no contact in years and the relationship wasn’t even that good anyway, so why can’t I get past this?
At a time when I should be concentrating on my fiancé and looking forward to our wedding, all my thoughts are for my very first boyfriend. I think I’m crazy but why can’t I forget this man?
NY
FIONA SAYS: Everyone’s first love leaves powerful memories, so I’d be surprised if you were ever able to completely forget this man.
It’s not unnatural, when you enter what you hope will be a permanent relationship, to be thinking about past loves. It’s all part of the process of reassuring yourself that you’re doing the right thing. Try to relax and realise that all you are doing is making comparisons to be certain you are happy with what you’ve now got, and simply to reflect on what’s come before.
Don’t try to wipe these memories, they form a part of your past and relate to things that have made you the person you are now. Once you see them for what they are, I am sure you’ll soon be able to stop worrying and appreciate your fiancé even more.
I JUST CAN’T BE BOTHERED ANY MORE
I DON’T know what’s wrong with me, but my work is going downhill and I can’t concentrate on anything. Working from home means I’ve had days when I just stay in bed, and although I’ve been telling my boss I have ‘women’s problems’, I think he’s getting suspicious.
The truth is, I just simply can’t be bothered about work or about anything actually, and I spend a lot of time in tears for no reason. My husband wants me to talk to the doctor but it’s always so difficult to get an appointment and I don’t want to waste his time when there is nothing he can do for me.
I know I have just got to pull myself back together.
GR
FIONA SAYS: Please talk to your doctor. You certainly wouldn’t be wasting their time, and there might be a great deal that can be done to help.
There are lots of reasons why you might be feeling like this and struggling with concentration and motivation – you are certainly not alone and please don’t beat yourself up.
You don’t say how old you are, but might you be going through the menopause? This would certainly explain some of your symptoms, especially brain-fog, which a great many women experience before and during menopause.
If that’s not the cause, then it sounds like you could be experiencing some depression. Of course, you’d need to speak with your doctor to get a proper assessment and for any diagnoses to be made, but even mild depression can cause people to lose interest in things and struggle with concentration and motivation to face the day.
When you are depressed, being told by anyone else – or even telling yourself – to ‘pull yourself together’ isn’t the answer. Huge numbers of people have become depressed during this pandemic – you are not alone, and you can be helped, so please talk to your GP.
As well as that, although it might not always seem like it, there’s good evidence that little daily actions can really help. Things like getting outside for a daily walk – for fresh air, nature and movement, avoiding too much alcohol and eating a balanced diet. These things might not be the whole answer, but they could play an important part in supporting your wellbeing.
HOW CAN I HELP MY DAUGHTER MOVE ON FROM DIVORCE?
MY 24-year-old daughter doesn’t seem to be getting over her divorce last year. It was a messy affair, and a lot of awful things were said, so as she was suffering badly, she moved back to us and rented out her flat.
A year on, she shows no sign of wanting her home back or of getting on with her life. She’s working but she stays in every evening, and if I suggest that she should go out and start mixing with people again, she accuses me of trying to get rid of her or gets angry.
That’s not the case at all, but I do want her to be happy and I don’t know how to help her.
CL
FIONA SAYS: I’m sorry she’s having a hard time – you clearly love and care for her very much. However, these things do take time and it sounds like she’s really not ready yet. A year is not really that long.
Being supportive and offering gentle encouragement – but only where it’s welcome – is something she may really appreciate. But keep in mind that you can’t make her do what she’s not ready to do, without possibly making her even more unhappy.
She’s clearly not ready yet and, as you’ve found, resents any pressure in this direction. She’ll know when she’s ready, so do follow her lead on that. There is no rule that says she should be ‘back out there’ after a certain length of time. Divorce hurts, even when partners can separate amicably, and it can also have a long-term effect on confidence too.
Also, it’s important to consider the pandemic too. Going out and mixing with people simply is not as practical or possible as it usually is anyway.
If you are genuinely happy for her to stay with you, all you can do for the moment is continue to provide love and support until she feels ready to move on.
If you have a problem you need help with, email Fiona by writing to help@askfiona.net for advice. All letters are treated in complete confidence and, to protect this privacy, Fiona is unable to pass on your messages to other readers. Fiona regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence.
