Q: I HAD a late miscarriage during my first pregnancy and now I’m pregnant again and I’m terrified the same thing will happen. How can I cope?
A: Zoe Clark-Coates, a mum of two daughters, is the CEO of the baby loss charity the Mariposa Trust (mariposatrust.org) which she set up with her husband after they lost five babies. She is also the author of a new book Pregnancy After Loss.
She says: “I am so sorry for your loss – when the trapdoor has opened beneath you without any warning, it changes you forever. I know you’ll not only be grieving for your little one that’s run ahead, but you’ll also be trying to embrace and enjoy your current pregnancy, while battling colossal anxiety and fear.
“Some people can find it helpful to get grief counselling, as it allows them the space to deal with the complex layers of grief, others find just talking with a loved one can help – the important thing is letting your pain be expressed, so you continue to progress through the grieving process.
“Pregnancy after loss is hard to explain, it’s something most people long for but are simultaneously terrified of. When you see those lines on the pregnancy test, you’re both elated and want to pass out with fear. Let me reassure you that you’re not alone in this struggle, and it’s 100 per cent normal to be scared and feel overwhelmed. Right now your brain is trying to navigate this complex path, and it will be trying to pull on memories, and sadly for you, those previous experiences ended in heartache, thus each step feels so hard.
“What I always recommend is to give yourself time and space to talk about your worries and fears – trying to suppress them can make them increase, so permit yourself to openly talk with your partner or with someone who’s willing to listen.
“Secondly, try to practise relaxation techniques – when panic consumes, it can be helpful to have coping skills at hand. Deep breathing exercises and grounding techniques can prevent panic attacks, and they are useful when needing to attend medical appointments and scans.
“Third, remind yourself this is a different pregnancy. No-one can guarantee this pregnancy will have a different ending; however, it’s highly likely to.
“I want to assure you, you’ll make it through this – you’ve overcome one of the hardest things in the world, losing a precious child, so I know you have the strength to endure this walk through pregnancy, and I’m here to cheer you on.”
:: Pregnancy After Loss by Zoe Clark-Coates is published by Orion Spring, priced £14.99. Available now.
