Life

Ask Fiona: Should I ask my birth dad or step-dad give me away?

Columnist and trained counsellor Fiona Caine advises a woman with a wedding-planning dilemma, and another considering giving her ex a second chance

It's entirely your decision about who gives you away
It's entirely your decision about who gives you away It's entirely your decision about who gives you away

MY wedding is due in spring next year – all being well – and I’m really looking forward to it. It’s the one bright light on the horizon of an otherwise very gloomy time. I am very much hoping that the rules on numbers will have been relaxed by then, and that I can have a proper ceremony with all the trimmings.

However, I have a bit of a dilemma as to who should give me away, and it’s threatening to spoil things if I don’t get it right. When I was four, my parents split up, and since then it was my stepfather who fulfilled the role of father. However, eight years ago I started to see my birth father again and have built up a good relationship with him too.

My problem is I don’t know who to ask. They’re both quite laid-back and I don’t think either would be very upset if were to ask the other, but I hate the idea of one of them losing out or feeling hurt. I’m not even sure if I have a choice anyway, as I would have thought it should legally be my birth father.

QL

FIONA SAYS: For a start, I think you’ll find that as an independent young woman, no one can ‘give you away’ anymore. These days, most celebrants will ask, ‘Who brings this woman to be married to…’, not, ‘Who gives this woman away…’. You are ‘escorted’ into the ceremony, whether in a church, register office or registered premises, not ‘brought’ – and who ever does that can be whoever you like. Traditionally, that role falls to the birth father, but increasingly it’s someone else entirely.

Even though you have a good relationship with both of your fathers, feelings can be very easily hurt in situations like this. I suspect both will be hoping they are the one chosen, so perhaps the best solution is to see if they could both do it? That assumes they get on well enough with each other to be willing to do this, of course. If they don’t, then I suggest you consider thinking completely outside the box.

Why not have your mother escort you, for example? Or, if you feel brave enough, you could walk in by yourself. There are other roles these two men could fulfil on the day, and which would help them to feel included. Obviously, you must think about your partner’s family too, but could they be the two witnesses perhaps? Could they do readings during the ceremony, or perhaps one could do a reading and the other do a speech at the reception? If they are as easy-going as you say they are then I’m sure you can reach a compromise where they both feel included and happy.

Whatever you decide, I suggest you also ensure both your fathers have a prominent position at the top table for your reception. Whilst I very much hope that by spring next year, life will be more ‘normal’ and you can have the wedding you dream of, it is of course possible that we will still be limited to small numbers. If that’s the case, then I suggest you keep things as simple as possible and not allocate too many special roles to anyone.

Finally, whatever you do, please don’t allow concerns about family politics to take away your pleasure on this, your special day!

MY ABUSIVE EX SAYS HE’S CHANGED

MY husband and I were only married for three years before we divorced. He had a drink problem and, when drunk, would become very aggressive and often hit me.

I moved away from him with my two children, and over the past eight years, I’ve built a new life for myself. I have a job and a home of my own, and I’m proud of what I’ve achieved. It’s not been easy, and although I’ve had some dates, I’ve not met anyone else I’d want to give up my freedom and independence for.

I mention this because my ex-husband has made contact again and asked if I would give him a second chance. He says that while he’s been on his own during lockdown, he’s realised all the mistakes he’s made, and promises that he has changed. I agreed to meet him, and when I saw him last week, he certainly seemed quieter and more thoughtful than he used to be.

What came as a big shock though was the realisation that I still had feelings for him; so much so that I have been seriously thinking about letting him come back. When I mentioned this to my mother, she hit the roof. She said people like him never change and that I would be mad to go back to him.

She has never forgiven him for what he did to me and she also blames him for the problems I’ve had with the children, who I’ve had to bring up as a single parent. I am confused and I don’t know what to do. Could he have really changed, or is my mother right?

CG

FIONA SAYS: Your mother may be right – or she may be wrong. It’s not a question I could possibly simply answer from the information you’ve given me. However, whilst it is true that people can change, I would strongly advise caution here, whatever you decide.

In most circumstances, I would suggest that everyone deserves a second chance. However, this man has a history of violence and alcohol abuse and that’s not to be taken lightly. One meeting with him isn’t enough to know whether he really has changed his behaviour, and got his drinking habits and aggression under control.

I think you have a lot to lose by letting this man back into your life, and I think you need more evidence that he has changed than simply his reassurances. He tells you he has realised, during lockdown, all the mistakes he’s made – but that’s a very short period of time for someone with a drinking problem to have got it under control.

He’s not shown you any evidence that he’s no longer violent, and his attempt to reconcile with you indicates to me that he’s still very selfish and self-centred. It took being isolated and alone for him to realise his mistakes – but if he wants to show you that he’s truly reformed, I think he needs to prove it.

Taking things very slowly would be advisable. Before agreeing to any sort of reconciliation (if that is want you really want to do), why not suggest that you have some counselling sessions together? Not only could you explore the relationship you had, but you could explore what you want from each other going forward.

You clearly enjoy the freedom and independence that the life you’ve built for yourself has given you, so are you sure you’re willing to give that up? From what you say, when you were married, he was very much the dominant partner – would you be willing for him to dominate you again? Counselling would give you the chance to talk through some of the issues from your earlier time together.

Hopefully, you would gain some insights into why he thinks he’s changed, and indeed whether he really has.

If anything in those sessions gives you cause to still be doubtful, I think you should be very wary of letting this man back into your life.

SHOULD I CONTACT MY DEAD EX’S SISTER?

I WAS shocked and saddened by news of the death of my ex-partner. I remarried 10 years ago and never expected to hear from him again, so was very surprised to receive an invitation to attend his funeral, especially as numbers are so limited.

I decided that it wouldn’t hurt to go but it was a disaster.

His brothers and his girlfriend were all drunk and abusive; she was very upset and obviously grieving. I was shocked by the way they all laid into me, saying some very hurtful things, so I left very quickly.

The more I think about it though, the more I want to contact her again and tell what really happened – which was that he and I never fell out, we just fell out of love.

Should I write or call her? I feel I need to do something.

GB

FIONA SAYS: What an unpleasant experience for you – not what you might have expected after being invited to attend your ex’s funeral. What would contacting his girlfriend really achieve though? You remarried 10 years ago, which suggests that you’ve had no contact with this family for at least that long, and nothing you’ve said indicates you’d want to see them, or her, again.

Grief is a powerful emotion; it makes us angry, resentful and fearful. Sometimes, it can also bring out the very worst in people, especially during and immediately after a funeral. This woman is clearly hurting and anything you say, however true, might only make it harder for her to deal with her grief. So, whilst I am sure you are hurting too, please try to let this go.

I’M HURT BY MY SON’S DECISION

MY 27-year-old son is about to move in with a divorced woman with two young children. I am concerned that he hasn’t thought this through properly, and have been trying to get him to talk to me about it. However, he says he loves her and has all but told me to mind my own business.

I am a little hurt by this, as all I want to do is make sure that he is making the right decision. Why can’t he see that this affects us all, not just him? He may be happy to become an ‘instant dad’ but I’m not sure I like being an ‘instant granny’.

SC

FIONA SAYS: I have some sympathy for how you feel – taking on a ready-made stepfamily is not for the faint-hearted. However, your son loves this woman, and I’m afraid it must be his decision.

As his parent, or indeed as a step-grandparent, you do not have much of a say in the changes which will be taking place, even though you may be called upon to provide support.

I would strongly encourage you – and indeed your son if you can persuade him – to go to the website for the charity Family Lives (familylives.org.uk). There’s a huge amount of information about step-parenting and step-grandparenting, which I think will really help you to consider your position in all this.

You cannot expect to feel affection for this woman and her children overnight – it will take time to develop. Hopefully, it soon will, and you will enjoy the role you have to play in their lives.

If you have a problem you need help with, email Fiona by writing to help@askfiona.net for advice. All letters are treated in complete confidence and, to protect this privacy, Fiona is unable to pass on your messages to other readers. Fiona regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence.