Life

Anne Hailes: Coping with postnatal depression – 'I kept pretending everything was OK'

Anne Hailes

Anne Hailes

Anne is Northern Ireland's first lady of journalism, having worked in the media since she joined Ulster Television when she was 17. Her columns have been entertaining and informing Irish News readers for 25 years.

'I tried to brush it under the carpet, I tried to love the baby and be happy but it wasn’t working'
'I tried to brush it under the carpet, I tried to love the baby and be happy but it wasn’t working' 'I tried to brush it under the carpet, I tried to love the baby and be happy but it wasn’t working'

MARY is not her real name not because she is afraid to speak out but because there are two little children to think of and her story affects them both.

She was only 25 when she gave birth to Aine and despite her having been involved in a severe car crash, the pregnancy went well and the birth was straightforward. The family celebrated this new, fit and healthy baby. Mary loved motherhood and, living near her mother and her grandmother, there was plenty of help and it was a happy time.

Three years later she became pregnant a second time. She and her partner were delighted; their family was growing and the thought of a baby brother or sister for Aine was perfect.

But perfect it wasn’t.

Although the pregnancy was without any drama and there were no issues with the birth what happened after that was terrible.

“Michael was born on a Monday and I was allowed home on the Wednesday. In that short time I got emotional but I put it down to missing Aine but it lasted for days. I tried to brush it under the carpet, I tried to love the baby and be happy but it wasn’t working.

"Aine just loved her brother, the family fussed over him, my partner was delighted with his little son but I had that horrible hollow feeling and I didn’t want to know him. To be honest, I just didn’t want him about me.”

I found this hard to understand because Mary is a sweet girl, thoughtful and caring. Never a bad word about anyone and what she was describing to me was very far from the woman I knew.

“I couldn’t admit this to anyone. Society says get on with it so I kept pretending everything was all right but I knew it wasn’t and it got worse. I was angry with myself and with the baby but I didn’t understand why. I was never tempted to be violent I just didn’t want him around me and this threw up another emotion – I wasn’t fit to be a mother. Every time he cried I thought he hated me so let him – I ran out of the room.”

:: Jekyll and Hyde

Mary admits that in her brain there were two distinct personalities warring with each other. She remembers asking the small bundle in the cot ‘Where is your real mummy?’

“I began picking fights, jumping down everybody’s throat. When my sister called and offered to give the baby his bottle I verbally attacked her. I shouted at her, did she think I wasn’t capable to give my own child his bottle?

Even when she said she was just trying to help me I abused her, calling her everything under the sun. That behaviour became the normal. My over-riding thought was that my two children deserved a better mother, I was useless and I should leave them and go away.

The one thing I can say with certainty is I never felt like taking my own life. I wanted to end being an unsuccessful mother and that in my mind literally meant getting on a boat and sailing away only because I thought they’d be better off without me.

"Then I got paranoid that Michael was someone else’s baby and that they’d come and take him away and this is where my confused state of mind was playing tricks because I didn’t want that – the thought scared me. Yet another part of me hoped for him to be taken. My heart ached and I cried sore.”

Mary had never heard of postnatal depression. 'Baby blues', yes, but surely that condition was temporary – what she was suffering went on from May until January.

Of course her family soon suspected there was something wrong. After a particularly upsetting incident she ended up inconsolable after shouting hurtful thing to her mother. Her mother’s response was to say 'That’s not my daughter; this is not baby blues; something’s not right'. But Mary just kept smiling a false smile. As time went on the mask had slipped and the family grew more concerned.

“I took it out on them all, especially my partner. I know I was terrible to him, blaming him, accusing him of getting me into this position yet he remained supportive. But my little girl showed signs of stress. She said to me one day are you my mummy, are you his mummy? I knew she was aware that something bad was happening.”

:: Putting on a brave face

“I was pretending to be a happy young mother when all I wanted was to squeal 'Help me, please help me'.”

Help did come at her local GP surgery where she was fortunate to get a doctor who realised what she was going through and took time to talk.

Today Mary is still on antidepressants, although a much-reduced dose. She and her partner are happy parents of two beloved children.

“I didn’t understand hormone imbalance. I thought I was the worst person in the world and that I was the only one to go through this lack of maternal connection to my baby boy.

"I wish I’d had someone to talk to, another mother who would know what I was going through so I didn’t feel so alone or so guilty. I’m thankful to the doctor who took so much time with me and explained that I wasn’t going off my head. I had a very kind counsellor as well but there’s not enough advertising about postnatal depression.

"It should be one mother to another and that’s why I’m talking to you, Anne. I would like to help anyone going through this and just say you’re not alone.”

More details at: www.info@aware-ni.org and www.haveyouseenthatgirl.com