Life

Ask Fiona: I want to see my son but his girlfriend is extremely anxious about the virus

Columnist and trained counsellor Fiona Caine advises a woman who’s missing her son, and another who recently lost their partner to suicide

Your son's partner's anxiety is normal – maybe an option is to make more contact over the internet until things calm down
Your son's partner's anxiety is normal – maybe an option is to make more contact over the internet until things calm down Your son's partner's anxiety is normal – maybe an option is to make more contact over the internet until things calm down

MY son started living with his girlfriend in January, so it’s been quite a test for them living together full-time during the pandemic and lockdown. They’ve both been working from home and all in all, they’ve managed pretty well, although they’ve suffered from a lack of space at times.

At the start, she was panic-buying everything – loo rolls, flour, rice – you name it – and one week their food bill was over £500! My son has said that he understands that she’s anxious, but far from becoming less so as time has gone on, she’s getting worse. She’s almost too worried to leave the house, and if he does get her outside, she can’t wait to get back home. He did manage to get her to visit some close friends in their garden, but she wouldn’t use their loo so they couldn’t stay long.

My son’s job does mean he has to go out visiting clients but he’s always really careful, with mask, shield, sanitiser, gloves etc – but that’s not enough for her. He has to strip off all his clothes as soon as he gets in and they go straight into the washing machine.

My husband and I are getting elderly now and we want to see them. They live a couple of hours away, so we’d like them to stay over, but she won’t even consider it. We were all so close before and she’s been here, quite happily, many times before all this.

She’s only in her mid-30s but she’s acting like she’s in the highly vulnerable category. How do we get her to realise we’re just going to have to learn to live with this virus and get on with life?

CL

FIONA SAYS: I’m afraid anyone who is naturally anxious is likely to become more so at the present time. It’s now well known that rates of depression have doubled, and now one-in-five people say they are depressed, compared with one-in-10 at this time last year – and your son’s girlfriend is far from alone in experiencing heightened anxiety. We are all living through a threat that we can’t see and can barely understand. Each of us has an instinct for safety – it’s a basic sense and not very sophisticated – but right now, that ‘safety centre’ needs reassurance.

It sounds like your son is doing his best to help, but she really needs to learn how to reassure herself. She’s the one that has to put her ‘safety centre’ in a better place. It sounds simplistic, but saying to yourself something like, ‘I’m safe, everyone I love is safe’, can really start to calm the brain and stop it working so hard.

You mentioned you used to be close, so could you perhaps try to open up a conversation with her about how anxious she’s feeling? In a gentle, non-judgemental way, of course. Perhaps you could then encourage her to find her own simple phrase that she repeats to herself last thing at night and first thing in the morning. Combining that with some relaxation or meditation could help her start and finish the day in a better place.

When you’re anxious like this, all you really want to do is hunker down and hide from the world. It’s all too easy to just remain in bed – but doing that won’t help her one bit. This young woman needs to remind herself that she’s worthwhile and that she’s important – she needs more confidence. Getting out and about and meeting a few trusted friends, who she knows have kept themselves safe, will help – and hopefully you’ll soon fall into that category.

She might also find counselling helpful, so she could contact her GP to see what’s available. Alternatively, the Counselling Directory (counselling-directory.org.uk) has a huge section you could refer her to. Called ‘Guidance and advice around COVID-19 Coronavirus’, there are links to advice and support of all kinds. Finally, well done to your son for caring for her through this and doing the best he can to help.

I DON’T KNOW HOW I’LL GET OVER MY PARTNER’S SUICIDE

TWO months ago, my partner died from suicide and I don’t know how I’m ever going to get over it. We had been together for six years and it was, perhaps, the best time of my life.

I’d been in an unhappy marriage before and had been on my own for a year when I met the love of my life. My husband and I had never had children, and so to become part of a wider family, with children and grandchildren, was wonderful. They all accepted me unconditionally and my partner was always the life and soul of every occasion.

I knew he had a dark side and that sometimes he would withdraw from me, but I accepted that everyone can have down days. I didn’t realise how serious his depression was. He ran his own business and couldn’t work at all during lockdown, so he started to panic about money and how to keep a roof over our heads. I tried to reassure him, but it wasn’t enough and when I came home from work one day, I found he’d hanged himself.

Everyone has been so kind, but I couldn’t stay there – I’ve moved back to the house I used to share with my husband, which was empty and is due to be sold soon. I’ll have to move on from here eventually, but it will do for now. However, I go through every day in a trance and I just can’t understand how he could leave me like this. Why wasn’t I enough for him?

HB

FIONA SAYS: I’m so very, very sorry to read about your partner, another victim of this horrible pandemic. Depression is a terrible illness and your description of your partner – at once being the life and soul of a party but also hiding depression – can be very typical.

Please don’t think you weren’t enough for him. You are in no way to blame for his death. When someone reaches that point of despair, nothing and no one is enough. They are consumed by their own worries and anxieties.

I am concerned, though, by the way you have moved away from where you lived with your partner. Do you have a network of people around you to help you now? People who have lost someone like you have need support and help to lessen their sense of isolation, and I am worried you don’t have this.

You are asking yourself an impossible question when you say: ‘Why wasn’t I enough?’ However, it is a natural part of the grieving process you are going through – but there is no real answer. People who have been through this have to either accept this, or at least settle on an answer they can live with. Brooding on issues like this will take their toll on your self-esteem and your confidence.

For now, it is understandable you are finding it so hard to find a way forward. You will be putting all your emotional energy simply into getting through each day and coping with the practicalities – but this is all completely normal. It takes a long time to get over the loss of someone you love, and sadly, bereavement following suicide can involve a difficult and lengthy period of grieving. Some people around you may expect you to recover over a period of a few months or so, but the truth is you may never feel ‘recovered’ – you will, though, learn to adapt to a changed life.

I would urge you to reach out for the help that is available to you – particularly an organisation called Survivors of Bereavement by Suicide (uksobs.org). With a helpline, a network of support groups and a comprehensive website of information, you will find people who understand what you’re going through. Even if you have a strong group of friends and relatives around you, a group like this will have people who understand exactly what you’re going through, because they’ve been through it too.

The helpline is open 9am-9pm Monday to Friday on 0300 111 5065. At other times, if you ever feel despairing, don’t forget the Samaritans helpline on 116 123.

NOT READY FOR SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND

I’m 18 and have a steady boyfriend I care about and have been with for about a year now. We have often talked about making love, but whenever we have the opportunity, I just can’t go through with it. My boyfriend is being patient and says he’ll to wait until I am ready, but I can’t stop thinking I am going to spoil this relationship by continually saying no.

LW

FIONA SAYS: If something is telling you, for whatever reason, that you are not ready for sex at the moment – then trust your instincts. And please don’t feel any guilt or pressure.

Perhaps you need time to get to know one another better, perhaps you’re just not prepared for this step yet – but what’s the rush? Your boyfriend seems to understand your doubts and also seems prepared to wait – so wait until you feel more comfortable.

Sex, if it’s what you both want, should happen when you are both ready, and not before. Alarm bells would be ringing if either one or you were putting pressure on the other. There’s nothing wrong with you, so relax and stop feeling anxious and guilty.

SHOULD I SEE A DOCTOR ABOUT MY MY PICKY CLEANING?

MY husband thinks I am potty because I insist on doing the housework in a set order and only on certain days. He is also bemused by the fact that, after cleaning, I have to put everything back in exactly as it was.

I’ve always been this way and haven’t given it much thought, but a friend suggested recently that she thought I might have some sort of disorder and should see a doctor. That’s got me thinking I’m mad or something; should I speak to my GP?

WH

FIONA SAYS: You’re absolutely not mad – but if you become anxious or distressed if you can’t do things in a particular way, and at a particular time, this may indicate that you could perhaps benefit from some mental health support.

You may be familiar with OCD (obsessive-compulsive disorder), as people often associate it with obsessive cleaning and orderliness. OCD is common and can be very severe or quite mild – but there is much, much more to the disorder than housework and being very clean and tidy or liking things a certain way, and it’s a common misconception that everyone who is very particular about these things has OCD. You may just be a person who is organised and tidy, or even someone who is overly fussy, but that doesn’t mean you’re suffering from a ‘disorder’.

However, if you are worried or anxious – whether in general or in relation to your cleaning habits, or you want to break free of this behaviour pattern, then please see your doctor. They see people about mental health and behavioural concerns all the time and will be able to talk through whether you might want to explore support options.

If you have a problem you need help with, email Fiona by writing to help@askfiona.net for advice. All letters are treated in complete confidence and, to protect this privacy, Fiona is unable to pass on your messages to other readers. Fiona regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence.