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Sleb Safari: Mariah Carey's memoir is cause for festivation

Mariah Carey is the self-appointed angel of Christmas. Picture from Mariah Carey on Instagram

CREDIT cards at the ready everybody because Mariah Carey's memoir is about to go on sale. Sleb Safari will be ordering one for everyone it knows this Christmas. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is exactly why people always say "Oh, I really hope you're my Secret Santa this year" with a tight smile on their faces.

The Meaning of Mariah Carey has been a long time in the making and was likely dictated from the bath because that is how Mariah rolls. Mariah says writing it has been "hard, humbling and healing" which sounds, uhhhmm, therapeutic... maybe?

'In the tub' is one of Mariah's preferred posing points

"Though there have been countless stories about me throughout my career and very public personal life, it's been impossible to communicate the complexities and depths of my experience in any single magazine article or a 10-minute television interview," Mariah offers by way of explanation for writing this book.

"And even then, my words were filtered through someone else's lens, largely satisfying someone else's assignment to define me."

Our elusive chanteuse says her book "is composed of my memories, my mishaps, my struggles, my survival and my songs. Unfiltered". Our butterfly is telling her story and it's about time. There are a great many things to love about Mariah and her Mariah-isms, for this is a lady who knows her reputation and likes to have a little fun with it.

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

The Meaning of Mariah Carey Out Sept 29 Pre-order: smarturl.it/TheMeaningOfMariah

A post shared by Mariah Carey (@mariahcarey) on

Here are but a selection of Mariah's finest quirks and moments:

1) This year for her boyfriend's birthday she posted a picture of the two of them on Instagram and, while she's front and centre looking fantastic, half of his face is obscured by her hair. Classic Mariah and we wouldn't have it any other way.

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

Happy birthday @bryantanaka ??

A post shared by Mariah Carey (@mariahcarey) on

 

 

2) Mariah has a predilection for having photographs taken of her either in:

(a) the tub, wearing a full face of make up and dripping in diamonds.

(b) the snow, wearing a bikini and fluffy mules.

3) The concept of time is simply an illusion constructed by people with sad lives. Mariah will turn up when it is appropriate. The only episode on record where the lateness was not Mariah's fault was when she was flying from London to do a show in Luxembourg and her team hadn't taken the one-hour time difference into account so she touched down in her private jet at the time she was due to be on stage. The drama!

4) Mariah does not have birthdays, she has 'anniversaries'.

5) 'Why walk on stage when you can be carried on a chaise longue?' is the maxim she lives by and Sleb Safari will defend her to the hilt, while looking on with a smidgen of jealousy.

6) Santa Claus is basically her ideal man. Mariah is Christmas. "I try to festivate whenever I can," is how she explains it.

Sleb Safari fully expects there to be an entire chapter in this book dedicated to 'festivations' which opens with the words "'Twas the night before Christmas". If not, Sleb Safari will eat its (Santa) hat.

 

Minnie Driver's tribute to Joel Schumacher

MINNIE Driver has paid a wonderful tribute to the director Joel Schumacher on his death. They worked together on Phantom of The Opera when she played a very spoiled, demanding opera singer.

"Joel Schumacher was the funniest, chicest, most hilarious director I ever worked with," she tweeted.

"Once, on set, an actress was complaining about me, within earshot; how I was dreadfully over the top (I was). Joel barely looked up from his NYT and said, 'Oh, honey, no one ever paid to see under the top.' "

Joel Schumacher RIP.

Gregg Wallace Wants To Be On Love Island

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

4 stone lighter ! @greggshowme.fit launches tomorrow £7 a month

A post shared by Gregg Wallace (@greggawallace) on

AND so to Gregg Wallace who as anyone who's anyone knows has started his own health and fitness subscription website. As Gregg (probably) says if he can turn his life around, anyone can.

Gregg is rightly proud of having lost four stone in weight slowly and steadily while getting fit and now, for the bargain price of £7 a month, you can learn how to cook healthy meals, follow a Gregg Wallace endorsed exercise plan, receive Gregg Wallace endorsed motivational advice and buy branded merchandise from his Showme.fit with Gregg Wallace online shop.

Gregg is doing the rounds promoting his new business and in a wide ranging interview with The Guardian was asked which TV show he'd like to guest star on.

"I want to be on Love Island because I want to show how toned I've gotten and I also want to increase my Instagram following and get a clothing deal with Uniqlo," Gregg said with a straight face.

"I told my 23-year-old daughter that and she didn't stop laughing for about 15 minutes."

Well quite. It's a bold business pitch Gregg, we'll give you that.

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