Life

Ask Fiona: What can I do about son's messy housemates?

Columnist and trained counsellor Fiona Caine advises a woman shocked by the state of her son's kitchen, and another dealing with tricky work WhatsApp

It's for your son to decide if he needs to have a word with his friends
It's for your son to decide if he needs to have a word with his friends It's for your son to decide if he needs to have a word with his friends

MY son is a music student and has been away at college for the past year, sharing a flat that we rented for him.

There were others in the place with him and when lockdown started, I brought him home immediately – thank goodness – but the two girls in the flat stayed on.

Eventually they both went home, and the flat was left empty.

We waited a week to be sure there was no chance of infection but last weekend we went back to pick up some things he'd left behind. I couldn't believe the state of the place! I've never seen anything like it – it was absolutely filthy; goodness alone knows what infections and viruses might have been lurking around.

The girls are not coming back, and my son will be sharing the place with new people when he restarts, so I had to set to and clean it up. If the landlord had seen it like that, we would have lost our deposit. It took me more than five hours just to restore the kitchen to some kind of normality and I'll still have to go back again to clean up the rest of the flat.

Can we sue them for the mess they've left, and how can we ensure that new people won't treat the place so badly?

LS

FIONA SAYS: While the landlord might have had some recourse against the students living in the property, I think your chances of getting any form of compensation are slim.

How would you prove, for example, that your son hadn't contribute equally to the state of the place? I'm sure you feel he wouldn't have done but, as I said, how could you prove it? I fear this is something you will have to put down to experience.

Obviously, I don't know the state of mind of the young women who were sharing his flat. Perhaps they were worried and anxious and desperate to leave; perhaps they taken ill and left before they had a chance to do anything. From the picture you sent though, I would say that mess had been going on for longer than a few weeks and perhaps your son had been living with some of it too.

When it comes to finding new people to share with though, I think you have to set out what you expect from the outset. These are conversations to be had whist deciding who to share with. Perhaps also make some signs to stick up around the place telling people to clean the bathroom/kitchen after use?

As your son is going back to the same place, his point of view might carry some weight with the new people he'll be sharing with. Perhaps he could set up a cleaning rota where everyone has to take a turn at, for example, cleaning the toilet, cleaning out the fridge, washing the kitchen floor, etc. Enforcing these things could be tricky though.

I'm afraid that a bit of squalor seems to be part and parcel of student life in many cases, especially if they're away from home for the first time. Choosing more mature students to share with might help – but it's no guarantee.

You say it took you more than five hours to clean the kitchen – what was your son doing while you did this?

Is he used to you doing all the domestic chores around the home? When did he last clean the bathroom, or even the toilet, for example? Use this time your son is with you to make sure he does his turn with domestic tasks so that they're more of a habit when he returns to college – whenever that may be.

MY COLLEAGUE WANTS TO 'POLICE' OUR WHATSAPP GROUP

ONE of my colleagues has started a group of about 14 of us on WhatsApp, for us to chat on while we're in lockdown. The thing is, she's 'policing' it and snaps at anyone who steps out of the line she thinks we should be following.

She objects to anything political; she doesn't like any mention of the coronavirus and she only wants there to be funny stuff and jokes. Some of us want to use it to discuss other more serious things, but we face snarky comments if we try. I have regularly incurred her wrath and have been 'reprimanded' several times – which sometimes amuses me and sometimes really annoys me.

She's very good-hearted but is renowned for being a bit bossy at work, and now it's extended into group messaging too, it all feels a bit much. Does she have the right to do this?

JK

FIONA SAYS: This is a tricky one. As it's a group of colleagues, I'm tempted to say that surely you should be able to discuss anything on there that you'd discuss face to face. However, as it's not an official work-related group, my feeling is that the person who started it – for whatever purpose – has the right to exercise some control.

You have several options: you could stand up to her and tell her you will continue to post content you want to share – but how would your relationship be with her when you do go back to work? You could leave the group, but I suspect you would miss the interaction with your colleagues.

You could start a new group of your own, and tell them all you are doing so in order to share and discuss content that's out of bounds in the other group. However, that could make some of your colleagues feel they are being asked to take sides and, furthermore, they might not appreciate having yet another WhatsApp group going on.

While we're all in lockdown and it's not possible to see one another face to face, it is all too easy to be upset by words written quickly and without much thought.

Remember, this isn't going to last forever and at some point you are probably all going to have to work together again. The simplest option, therefore, is to give in and follow her wishes, allowing her the chance to exercise her normal behaviour on the group she started.

That doesn't make her behaviour right, but remember she may have started the group for some light relief and distraction from the news. I suspect she's very anxious and frightened because if she's someone who likes to control things, this must be a very difficult time for her. None of us know how to control this virus and trying to exercise her control over this group could be one of her coping mechanisms. Unless it's actually hurting you in some way, it is probably best to just let it wash over you.

She cannot control what you put on your own social media pages, so perhaps you could stick to sharing anything she'd consider controversial on there? You say she's very good-hearted and perhaps she thinks she is protecting people from thinking too hard about how awful this pandemic is. She's probably missing you all too, so perhaps you could give her the benefit of the doubt.

WE LET OUR FAMILIES BELIEVE WE'RE MARRIED

I HAVE been living with a wonderful man for the last nine years. Our family and friends all think we got married when we were on holiday in the USA several years ago and we've let them think that because it was easier.

Now, having been stuck at home together, we've started to realise the implications of the fact that we're not, for example, next of kin for each other. We'd really like to get married properly but I can't face the thought of letting everyone know that we've been lying to them all these years.

I suppose we were silly not to tell them sooner, and it will have to come out eventually, but is there any way that we can get married quietly? If so, what about witnesses etc?

HC

FIONA SAYS: As I'm sure you know, you can't easily get married or form a civil partnership right now because of the current restrictions. There is a strong expectation, though, that this will change quite soon. However, it is likely that the ceremonies – to begin with – will be very small.

That aside, you don't even have to know the witnesses; you could ask two complete strangers who you pick on the day. If that's what you decide to do though, warn the registrars and get there early – you have to allow time to find two people willing and able to act. The registration service cannot supply witnesses for you.

If you're in a long-term relationship, there are several good reasons why you should make your commitment to one another legal. If you haven't done so already, I would suggest you look at the Citizens Advice website (citizensadvice.org.uk), specifically the section on 'Living together and marriage: legal differences'.

If marriage is not for you then a Civil Partnership would give you almost all the same legal rights. You can check with your nearest register office to see when weddings and civil partnership ceremonies will be allowed again - although they may not know at the moment.

Lots of people like to get married very discreetly and your respective families need never know, if that's what you decide. On the other hand, whilst they might be surprised, I'm sure they wouldn't be angry. If you decided to wait until larger weddings return and turn the ceremony into an occasion they can all share in, they would probably be delighted for you.

HOW CAN I GET NEIGHBOUR TO GIVE ME A CHANCE

I LEFT home several years ago but because of the lockdown, I moved back to my parents' house so I could keep an eye on them and help them with shopping and stuff.

The people next door have a son who has done the same thing. He's a couple of years older than me and the trouble is, I think I have fallen in love with him. He is much more attractive than all the men I know, and I know he likes me too.

His mum told my mum that he hasn't taken a girl out in ages after being hurt badly by his ex. How can I prove to him that I am different and get him to see me as more than his parents' next-door neighbour?

EC

FIONA SAYS: You say you're different but are you so sure of that? I don't mean to be unkind, but a lot of people define being 'badly hurt' as having had to cope with the other person going off them or finishing the relationship. Unfortunately, it's a risk everyone must take when they begin any relationship – because you can't prove that what starts out well will last.

What I'm trying to say is that he has to be ready – to take the chance of starting something that may or may not work and, if he hasn't the courage to take such a risk, that's his choice.

All you can do is continue to be friendly and pleasant with him – you could even suggest you'd like to stay in touch.

What you can't do is hang around waiting for him to pluck up his courage.

If you have a problem you need help with, email Fiona by writing to help@askfiona.net for advice. All letters are treated in complete confidence and, to protect this privacy, Fiona is unable to pass on your messages to other readers. Fiona regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence.