Life

Ask Fiona: My sister is trying to divide the family

Advice Columnist Fiona Caine looks at some of the emotional issues people are facing during the current situation

Your sister is causing a lot of distress and needs to be made aware of what she is doing
Your sister is causing a lot of distress and needs to be made aware of what she is doing Your sister is causing a lot of distress and needs to be made aware of what she is doing

I'VE always had a problematic relationship with my younger sister, who's always been odd and difficult. She can be very charming and pleasant – especially to your face – but she can turn on a sixpence and often does awful things behind our backs.

She decided some years ago that she had been mistreated by the family.

There are four of us – I'm the eldest, then I've one more sister, followed by her, then our brother, who's the youngest.

The rest of us all agree she certainly wasn't mistreated and, in fact, I'd say our parents went out of their way to indulge her to keep the peace, as she has such a temper.

We've all tried to help her over the years, and we've all lent her money at various times – which she's never repaid.

Now she's decided we're all deliberately ignoring her during the lockdown and she's complained about each of us, separately, to the others.

We can't go and see her, of course, but she seems to expect us to dance attendance on her by video calls and emails etc.

My middle sister recently had a book published and we were all thrilled for her.

However, my younger sister is obviously jealous as she's sent my middle sister an email that purports to be a copy of one from my brother, saying some terrible things about it.

I could see immediately it wasn't the way he wrote.

My vicious sister has taken sentences from various emails about all manner of things and strung them together - badly – so it reads as if he's slagging off the book and my sister's writing.

He was mortified when he found out what she'd done – but he doesn't want us to do anything; it's like he's afraid of her.

My middle sister wants to cut her off. I certainly want to confront her, but I don't know what to do for the best. It's like she's trying to divide the family.

GS

FIONA SAYS: I think you, your middle sister and your brother need to talk together and decide what you want to achieve.

If you're hoping she's going to change, I think that's highly unlikely, as you say she's always been difficult.

If you want to cut her off completely, either all three of you decide to do it together or none of you should.

Anything else and she can still find ways of fermenting discord in the relationship the three of you have.

If the three of you can present a united front, then hopefully she'll realise she's not going to divide you.

The only problem here is that the unity of the three of you is probably what drives her, as she's most likely always felt excluded by the rest of you.

It's of her own making, but she may not appreciate that.

Confronting her directly about this latest incident probably won't achieve anything, as she could try something else, from a different standpoint.

As you're the eldest I suspect you feel you've got to take charge over this – perhaps that's what she's expecting – so don't indulge her by doing so.

Instead, I'd suggest a video conference call, involving all of you at the same time.

Treat it as a social gathering – telling her you thought it would be fun to all get together and see one another.

Let her see how well the three of you get on with one another – there's no real need to even mention the book or the email.

If she can see that you, your sister, and brother are getting on as well as you normally do, she will see she's failed.

It's not going to solve the problem though because, sooner or later there will be another incident.

Has her behaviour ever been investigated? You don't say whether she is on her own during this lockdown but, even if she's with others, I suspect she's bored and lonely.

Other people might bake a cake, but she seems to feel the need to try and find ways to make you all pay attention to her.

If you could change your thinking from her being a problem to someone who has potential mental health issues, it might be easier to live with.

I REALLY RESENT MY BOYFRIEND

I HAVE lived with my boyfriend for the past eight years and I realise now that I've had enough.

I'm 32, have a successful career and a great circle of friends.

My boyfriend doesn't earn as much as me, but he still expects me to do all the cleaning, cooking and other household chores.

He does nothing to help and before all this happened, he'd often go out without me – although he always made it a problem if I wanted to go out without him.

For the last seven weeks he's basically sat in front of the TV while I've tried to keep things going.

Our love life is non-existent, and I realise now how much I resent him.

I'd love to up and leave him, but there's nowhere I can go right now and, to be honest, I am frightened of being on my own.

KG

FIONA SAYS: While it might be difficult for you to relocate at the moment, you could certainly start researching possibilities for doing so.

A lot of people will be looking for a change in their lives after this, and you may well find a friend who would like to set up a home-share with you.

You are getting virtually no emotional and physical support from your boyfriend, and although you're worried about being alone, a relationship like this can make you feel far lonelier and more isolated.

You already know you can cope on your own because, if you think about it, that's what you've been doing for years.

You're a capable person with a career and a supportive circle of friends.

I am sure you can make a new and more rewarding life for yourself without this leech hanging on to you!

It is normal to miss your husband but you need to think clearly about the future
It is normal to miss your husband but you need to think clearly about the future It is normal to miss your husband but you need to think clearly about the future

EVEN THOUGH HE CHEATED, I MISS MY HUSBAND

FOR the past three years, my husband has been carrying on a double life.

He was living with me on Fridays, Saturdays and Sundays and telling me his job meant he must be away travelling for the rest of the week.

Why I trusted him, I don't know.

He was travelling sometimes, that's true, but for the rest he was staying with another woman whenever he could.

I found this out at the end of February and made him move out.

He hasn't been living with this other woman – his mum and I are still in contact and he's not living with her, either.

But I've not heard a word from him, and he hasn't even rung to ask how the children are.

I feel used and unloved, but I miss him so much and just don't know whether I should try to win him back.

I know everyone is finding it hard right now – especially people who are living on their own.

Is that why I feel this way, or do I still love my husband?

GR

FIONA SAYS: Your husband has behaved in a hurtful and selfish manner and, what's more, has shown a complete disregard for the welfare of his children.

Whether you still love him or not, I really can't say, but I do know there are huge numbers of people struggling with loneliness and isolation at the moment.

If he's not been with you, with his mother, or with this other woman, where has he been during this pandemic?

I think you ought to find that out before you even think about whether you want him back in your life.

If it's with yet another woman, is he really the sort of person you want to spend the rest of your life with?

If, on the other hand, he's been on his own, regretting the way his life has panned out and wondering what he can do to put it back on track, then perhaps he deserves a chance.

It is lonely and difficult right now, but if you decide there is no future with your husband, don't despair.

You certainly won't be alone in changing your life around when all this is over.

A COLLEAGUE KEEPS PESTERING ME

MY job normally involves travel and I was supposed to be going to China on a business trip which, of course, hasn't happened.

When one of my work colleagues learned I was due to go, he told me he'd been to the same area and offered to lend me a good guidebook.

I didn't think anything of it but, when he turned up at my house with it, he made a pass at me.

I told him very firmly that I was not in the least bit interested but, after that, he pestered me at work with constant emails and although I complained, he persisted.

These have continued during the lockdown and recently I've been getting some anonymous nuisance calls too, and I'm sure he's responsible.

My husband thinks my imagination is simply doing overtime and that I should just ignore it, but I'm worried what he might do next.

KE

FIONA SAYS: If this man has persisted in his harassment after you've warned him and complained, I believe you are right to be concerned.

I think it would be fair to say he's become a stalker and you are his victim.

Far from dismissing your concerns, your husband should be helping and supporting you.

The Suzy Lamplugh Trust (suzylamplugh.org) defines stalking as "a pattern of repeated, unwanted behaviour that causes you to feel distressed or scared."

Stalking doesn't always mean the threat of violence, so although this man hasn't physically threatened you, his unwanted, persistent contact is distressing, is stalking and is unacceptable.

People on the receiving end of this kind of behaviour are probably feeling very vulnerable right now.

Anyone who thinks they are being stalked, therefore, is urged to contact the police or call the National Stalking Helpline on 0808 802 0300.

If you have a problem you need help with, email Fiona by writing to help@askfiona.net for advice. All letters are treated in complete confidence and, to protect this privacy, Fiona is unable to pass on your messages to other readers. Fiona regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence.