WHAT would you do if you desperately wanted to cut your own hair but your wife hated the idea? Answer, you'd live with long hair… or at least you would until annoying your wife was trumped by your annoying hair.
As these photos show, I passed that phase last Saturday and, having had enough of middle-aged curls, I gave my wife a simple choice: either she let me cut my hair or I shaved her dog. She folded.
Having watched a few YouTube videos on self-barbering, I felt confident in tackling the job. I mean, surely it couldn't be that hard? Not having clippers, my first mistake was assuming my beard trimmer could do the job. I was wrong.
The beard trimmer wasn’t up to the job, getting clogged up every 20 seconds. Every time I dragged the clipper across my head, my wife let out a half-scream, half-laugh, as she watched from behind a cushion, indicating that things weren't going well.
Another indication was when I noticed my 10-year-old daughter had started filming me on her mobile. Finding it difficult to find anything of note to upload to her YouTube account during the lockdown, she described her dad making a fool of himself as 'gold'.
Confused, sweaty and aware I was making a complete bo***x of the job, I plaintively asked my daughter what she thought. Open-mouthed in astonishment she answered, “Daddy, I know a curse word; can I say it, please, can I?”
I refused, and hastily retreated to the bathroom to angle vanity mirrors in an attempt to cut the hair at the back of my head. What I'd initially thought would be an easy five-minute job turned into 40 minutes of hell, leaving me looking like a reject from the French Foreign Legion.
Surveying my well-scalped dome, my wife asked if I regretted not taking her advice to leave my hair alone? I rejected this, arguing it had worked out fine; in fact, I might never revisit a barber again! This, of course, was a lie; I've added barbering to the long list of jobs best left to the professionals.
At least I'm not alone – there is a small army of similarly sheared men sporting what I call 'Covid cuts'. We exchange sympathetic nods of recognition when we see each other out walking or shopping, all fools who also fell foul of that YouTube clip.
A man who can't blame his ridiculous hairstyle on Covid is British prime minister, bumbling Boris Johnson. Boris outdid himself this week when he launched his new Covid-19 slogan, 'Stay Alert', reminding me of something Captain Mainwaring from Dad's Army might say. Boris should have gone all the way and added Private Frazer's catchphrase, “We're doomed, doomed I tell ye”.
Having been late to lockdown, Boris now compounds that initial mistake by coming out of it too soon. The easing of restrictions in the UK at this time confounds reason when you consider the official number of Covid-19 deaths at over 36,000, topping Europe and second only to the US. This may explain why the graph used at the daily government Covid briefings for the previous seven weeks comparing death rates across the world suddenly disappeared on Monday with no explanation.
Still, Boris urges a return to work even though social distancing is impossible on public transport. One workplace in revolt at the idea of normalisation is the House Of Commons where MPs have scoffed at a return to the Houses of Westminster, thus demanding we plebs to do what they say, not what they do.
Thankfully, political parties here decided to ignore Boris, settling instead on a five-stage lifting of restrictions, with no firm dates as to when each stage would begin. This is the only sane approach to an ever-changing reality.
Two nations rightly held as exemplars in the handling of the pandemic, Germany and South Korea, suffered renewed spikes of infection during the week, proving the virus poses a real ongoing threat. So we are faced with a stark choice – either we accept the pain of the present lockdown or consign ourselves to a rollercoaster ride, with an easing of the lockdown followed by renewed spikes and renewed longer lockdowns.
I suggest it's better to swallow the bitter medicine until an effective vaccine is found.
As for me, my present lack of any head coverage has enlightened me to hair's amazing insulating properties – so, with that in mind, I’m off to buy a hat.
