Life

Sleb Safari: Grimes against health

Canadian singer Grimes
Canadian singer Grimes Canadian singer Grimes

CORONAVIRUS is sweeping the nation and the world of international politics is increasingly becoming rather like watching angry men argue over a dustbin fire in a disused car park.

Sleb Safari’s retinas are also still recovering from watching a video of former vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin rapping Sir Mix-a-Lot’s seminal tune Baby Got Back on the US’s version of The Masked Singer. So she was pleased this week to hear some good news, which crucially didn’t involve talk of pandemics or paeans to large posteriors.

For years, health officials have blathered on about eating well and exercising. My doctor has specifically told me that Creme Eggs are not included in one of my five-a-day and if I insist on drinking 20 cups of tea a day, instead of water, I may start to feel unwell. To this a new voice has emerged. Canadian musician Grimes, born Claire Elise Boucher, said that despite horsing down vegetables and exercising, she doesn’t feel remotely better.

“I’m healthy right now cause I’m pregnant, here’s what I’ve learned: sleeping properly, being sober and eating loads of vegetables makes no difference in your life and I don’t feel any better, in fact, I feel worse,” she said.

“And fitness, being healthy, I think it’s fake news. This is the healthiest I’ve ever been, [and I’m] on the treadmill, putting spinach in my mouth and I’m like, ‘bleh’.”

To which Sleb Safari says, amen sister. Spinach is disgusting. So much so that only cartoon character Popeye could encourage children to eat it. (Incidentally, before his love of spinach he used to gain luck from rubbing the head of a particular hen, which seems much more sensible.)

Jogging is surely an exercise invented by someone who felt that a walk could only be improved by adding more sweat and less dignity.

In the words of the great Ann Perkins from Parks and Recreation: “Jogging is the worst! I know it keeps you healthy, but God, at what cost?”

Admittedly Grimes is a noted eccentric whose best quotes include her love of medieval music and admission that she is a “very unhealthy person”. She also writes amazing songs and put on a fantastic performance in Dublin several years ago, despite almost being electrocuted by her own microphone stand several times.

In these troubled months, Sleb Safari is relieved that a real life celebrity isn’t afraid to speak the truth. A spinach and jogging-heavy lifestyle won’t actually make you live longer, it’ll just feel that way.

Only chocolate and the finest Nambarrie tea bags are going to make bearable the inevitable weeks of self-isolation we’ll all have to endure very soon.

Dean Gaffney (centre) in happier times with Natalie Cassidy and Bianca Jackson. Picture from Press Association
Dean Gaffney (centre) in happier times with Natalie Cassidy and Bianca Jackson. Picture from Press Association Dean Gaffney (centre) in happier times with Natalie Cassidy and Bianca Jackson. Picture from Press Association

DEAN GAFFNEY: INTERNATIONAL TRAVELLER

JUST as the first daffodils herald the start of spring, so top E4 series Celebs Go Dating heralds the start of the new season for minor celebs forced to earn their keep over the long dark winter by making brief appearances in regional nightclubs. The amazingly preposterous series, which features a lot of well-meaning doofuses you’ve never heard of, this year stars troubled former EastEnders star Dean Gaffney, a man who has the permanent look of someone who fears he may have left the immersion heater on at home.

In an ill-fated attempt to make some common ground with one of his dates, Gaffney confidently chatted about his love for Spain, and Barcelona in particular.

“The good thing about Barcelona is you’ve got the best of both worlds – you’ve got the city and you’ve got the beach,” he rumbled in a voice which sounded like he’d been gargling rusty nails after he’d been ‘let go’ by EastEnders’ bosses.

“Have you ever been to Valencia?” his date asked.

“No,” Gaffney replied, visibly annoyed that his vast knowledge of Barcelona was dismissed so quickly.

Sleb Safari hasn’t been so tickled by a celeb’s keen interest in geography since she heard club classic International Love by Pitbull ft. Chris Brown.

‘You put it down like New York City/ I never sleep wild like Los Angeles/ My fantasy hotter than Miami I feel the heat/ Oh oh oh oh it's international love,’ Brown hollers, while also seemingly unaware that the three cities mentioned are all in the same country. The same country he is also from.

National Love probably didn’t have the same ring to it, but still, both Gaffney and Brown could learn something.

Willow Smith with boyfriend Tyler Cole. Picture from Instagram
Willow Smith with boyfriend Tyler Cole. Picture from Instagram Willow Smith with boyfriend Tyler Cole. Picture from Instagram

ANXIETY AS PERFORMANCE ART

CELEBRITY offspring tend to waste their advantageous start in life by releasing terrible photographic books (Brooklyn Beckham) or baffle people by speaking in a faux-Caribbean accent (Tom Hanks’s son Chet) but not Will Smith’s daughter Willow.

The 18-year-old took part in a performance art exhibition last week which aimed to ‘express her anxiety’.

She and boyfriend Tyler Cole spent 24 hours inside a box at a Los Angeles museum in an exhibit which had the sub-heading ‘A personification of the emotional spectrum within the human mind through performance art’.

Only 24 hours? Home improvements have meant that Sleb Safari has been living in her front room since January and has been forced to keep her pants in a Co-Op bag. If waiting eight weeks for new flooring to be delivered means that she is actually taking part in performance art then Sleb Safari is delighted to view her awkward living conditions in a new light.

Jamie Lee Curtis with her A Fish Called Wanda co-star John Cleese
Jamie Lee Curtis with her A Fish Called Wanda co-star John Cleese Jamie Lee Curtis with her A Fish Called Wanda co-star John Cleese

SOCIAL MEDIA SMUT

@curtisleejamie

Something’s fishy here.... oh right, WE ARE OLD! Wanderful lunch with Mr. Cleese. #notdeadyet