CONGRATULATIONS are most definitely due this week to Stormzy who has become the first member of Greggs' new VIP service. That's right Stormzy has 'pastry privileges' for life.
Greggs chose Stormzy to be the first person to carry its black Concierge card which allows him to "order whatever you want, wherever, whenever". To be fair, that's how Sleb Safari presumed Greggs functioned for every customer. Presumably the difference is that Stormzy doesn't have to pay.
The honour is by invitation only and Stormzy says he has "peaked". He's not wrong. The sausage rolls are on Stormzy.
Celebrities love a black card for a fast food chain. Nando's issues them to a very select clientele and Ed Sheeran has confirmed he has one of the High Five cards which entitle the holder and four friends to free Nando's.
It's not as though Stormzy and Ed can't afford to buy a Greggs or a cheeky Nando's for their mates. Chances are they could afford to buy one for everyone who's ever been to Glastonbury, so what's the novelty? Sleb Safari is bemused.
Michael Buble's fast food preferences are unknown, but we do know that last week he sat under a blazing Australian sun and sang Christmas songs to three gorillas. 'Has he fallen on hard times?', you might wonder. Rest assured, he has not: these three silverback gorillas are proper fans who love his Christmas music and like to hum "little food songs" as they eat. Hey, who doesn't? Stormzy does the full six minutes of Bohemian Rhapsody when he's handed a steak bake.
Michael's super-fans live in the Werribee Open Range Zoo in Victoria and keeper Ben Gulli said: "When we play Michael Buble's CDs, the boys will instantly start pleasure grumbling and sit nice and calm and relaxed.
"Our theory is it's the beautiful low tones that he sings with kind of mimics their pleasure grumble and they've even been shown to hum little food songs when they eat, and we think he must really resonate with that sound."
Afterwards Michael said he had had "no idea what would happen" when he sang to them "and it was amazing. The reaction was amazing".
And he's right, the reaction was amazing – they looked at him like he had two heads; but plucky Michael continued crooning Christmas songs in the middle of an Aussie summer's day because the show must go on.
Heavy is the head that wears the Christmas crown...
:: PHOEBE BUFFAY AS JAMES BOND
WITH all this talk of a Friends reunion – which, for the record, Sleb Safari thinks is a bad idea – David Schwimmer has come up with a great idea. Asked by GQ magazine if he could be the next Bond, David said he would "jump at the chance" but that it would "never happen in a million years".
Then he added: "It would be a really ridiculous comedy."
Then the magazine asked him which of the Friends cast would make the best Bond.
"Phoebe," he insisted. "You never know when she's lying. Also, she has a twin sister, so they could interchange."
Not a bad idea David, not a bad idea at all.
:: SUZIE ARBUTHNOT WINS BEST HOME COOK TITLE
Did you watch Best Home Cook on BBC1? If not, why not? It was a lovely show with the inimitable Claudia Winkleman as host and they always encouraging Mary Berry on the judging panel. The winner was crowned last Thursday and it was the deserving Suzie Arbuthnot from Northern Ireland. Well done Suzie!
:: THE FIFTH CORMORAN STRIKE NOVEL IS COMING OUR WAY
GREAT news from JK Rowling, who has announced that the fifth novel in the Cormoran Strike crime series she writes under the pseudonym Robert Galbraith will be published in September. The novel will be called Troubled Blood and will be on bookshelves on September 29. Meanwhile, the TV adaptation of the fourth book, Lethal White, will be on BBC1 later this year.
:: SOCIAL MEDIA SMUT
Caught by @jamesdkelly's lens, I'm standing by a non-proportional potted planet wearing the most exquisite silk custom @prada dress. It is a vintage print which echoed through the 90s of lips (appropriate for a gal who likes to chat) and lipsticks.
