TWELVE years ago, when I was 16, I was raped. It was a dreadful experience, as you can imagine, but the man who did it was caught and prosecuted and is still in prison.
I found the whole thing deeply traumatic, but thought that as time would pass, I would come to terms with it. My way of coping was to avoid having relationships altogether. But now I've met someone who I'm in love with and who loves me.
We are very close, and I would love to be able to just relax and sleep with him, but something is holding me back. We came very close to making love the other night but, just as we started to go upstairs, I burst into tears and fled. My boyfriend was completely confused as to what was wrong. I managed to blurt out that I'd been raped before I ran away, and although he's tried to call me, I've been too upset to talk to him.
I'm scared my reaction will have messed things up between us, and that I'll never be able to get over this. What can I do?
CW
FIONA SAYS: I am not surprised you had such a strong reaction. You don't mention whether you had proper counselling 12 years ago – but whether you did or not at that time, getting some more now could be really beneficial.
If your boyfriend does really love you and is the right person for you, then he will want to be supportive. He is probably confused and worried that he's done something to frighten you. If you possibly can, could you send him at least a text to let him know this isn't his fault? If he cares and is willing to help, then I'm sure you'll be able to get through this and have a loving, sexual relationship together, but you will likely need support and seeking professional help could really help.
Your nearest Rape Crisis (rapecrisis.org.uk) can help with this, or you can call their national helpline on 0808 802 9999. Rape Crisis has trained counsellors you can talk with about your feelings, and who can help provide emotional support or advice.
As you know all too well, the impact of sexual violence goes way beyond any physical injuries,. The trauma can leave you with a mass of confused feelings for a long time. The world doesn't feel safe anymore and the flashbacks and other unpleasant memories can make it hard for you to move on. It's hard to learn how to trust people again – especially if you feel you don't really trust yourself.
It's important to remember, though, that what you're experiencing is a perfectly normal reaction to the trauma you've experienced - these feelings and fears are symptoms of that trauma, and are not reality. With the right help, in time I'm sure you will learn to cope with what happened to you and I'd like to think you can also regain your sense of self-worth.
Learning to trust people again will be part of the process - and if your boyfriend is willing to support you, learning to trust him will be a big step. If he's prepared to take his time with you and move at a pace you are comfortable with, then I'm sure you'll be able to develop a loving, sexual relationship. By taking things at your own pace, you will begin to regain a sense of safety and trust in people once more, and learn to heal and move on with your life.
WILL A MAN IN HIS 60s WANT CASUAL SEX?
As I'm 67, will the man I met at my daughter's wedding think I'm too old for a relationship? He's in his early-60s and a family friend of my new son-in-law.
Since the wedding we've spent a lot of time together and I'd like us to become closer. He seems to be interested in me but hasn't yet said anything.
I think about him a lot and find myself fantasising what it would be like to sleep with him. I don't want to marry him or anything – I just want to sleep with him. I've come close to saying something but have held back as I'm not sure how he'll react.
Do you think he'd be shocked by the fact that a woman of 67 can feel this way?
VH
FIONA SAYS: It's hard to cope with being rejected, which is possibly what is holding you back. Equally, it's hard to cope with regret – and that's what you'll have to deal with if you let this chance slip through your fingers.
He's interested enough in you to want to spend time with you – so why not invite him for dinner and tell him it will just be the two of you? If he agrees, then light the candles and tell him how you feel; he might be delighted.
If he refuses your invitation, you'll know he's not interested in taking things further – hard but at least you'll be able to move on and look for someone else.
You are certainly NOT too old to feel this way, and if this particular man says no, there are other singles out there who may be keen.
HUSBAND THINKS OUR DAUGHTER IS TOO YOUNG FOR A BOYFRIEND
My 14-year-old daughter has had a steady boyfriend for the past 18 months. This really annoys my husband who thinks she's too young to be in a serious relationship.
At one level, I agree with him but the lad (who's 15) seems to have genuine feelings for our daughter and they are so good together. She's promised me they're not doing anything sexual and that she wants to wait until she's a lot older, so I'm not worried on that score.
Still, my daughter and husband are constantly rowing about it. She refuses to stop seeing him and I feel stuck in the middle and am not sure what to do for the best. Why is my husband so opposed to this young man?
TP
FIONA SAYS: He's probably no more against this young man than any other. I suspect he doesn't like the idea of your daughter having ANY serious relationship at her age.
Statistically, relationships at this age rarely, if ever, stay the distance, and left to their own devices, this one will probably fizzle out too.
However, couples as young as these have made things work. If it does stay the course, your husband's anger and opposition to it now could make things difficult in the future.
Indeed, by opposing it now, he could even be likely to drive them closer together and prolong things after they might have fallen away naturally. Try and explain all this to your husband. He won't, I'm sure, want to spoil his relationship with his daughter in the long term, so encourage him to let them be and see what happens. Just as long as you are sure your daughter is safe.
SHALL I TELL THIS OLDER MAN HOW I FEEL?
I've fallen for a man who lives near me and we often travel to work together on the bus and chat. I know he's single because he doesn't wear a wedding ring.
He's a bit shy so I always have to start the chatting, but I'm finding it hard not to tell him how I feel about him. I don't want to scare him off but it's hard to hide my feelings.
My friend says it's just a crush and that I should forget about him, as the age gap between us is too big. I'm 19 and I think he's in his late-40s, but that doesn't matter to me and I know I really care about him. What do you think?
JC
FIONA SAYS: I think that if you thought the age gap didn't matter, you wouldn't need to ask me. The fact that you have written suggests you do have doubts, and perhaps you should heed these.
Large age gaps in relationships can work, but these usually grow from an already established friendship. My biggest concern is that you hardly know this man; all you've done is exchanged brief chats on the bus.
As far as I can tell, he has given you no indication that he has feelings for you. You also don't appear to know anything about his situation – and although you believe him to be single, it's quite possible that he's in a relationship of some kind that he's just not told you about. Not everybody gets married, after all.
I don't doubt the intensity of your feelings for this man and, if you get to know each other a little better, a relationship could be possible. To do that, though, you've got to spend time together, getting to know one another.
You say he's shy and perhaps he is – in which case you might have to make the first move – but it could be that he's not interested in anything romantic, and you might face being rejected.
If you have a problem you need help with, email Fiona by writing to help@askfiona.net for advice. All letters are treated in complete confidence and, to protect this privacy, Fiona is unable to pass on your messages to other readers. Fiona regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence.
