MY husband and I hardly get to see one another these days as he works such long hours. When we do manage to carve out a little time to be together, we just end up either shouting at one another or ignoring each other.
I think the arguing all stems from the fact that I have started to train to be an accountant. Before we married, I worked in the accounts department of a large firm and I loved it. I stopped working for five years when the children were babies and I don't regret that at all, but now they're at school and nursery, I decided I wanted more.
I can fit the course in around the time I have on my own, but it does mean I've stopped doing as much cooking and household stuff. Everything gets done but perhaps not to the same level as before.
The qualification will mean a really rewarding career and you'd have thought that my husband would be happy for me. Instead, all he does is criticise and undermine my confidence. I've had two sessions where I've had to go away for a couple of days, and he got really aggressive and angry about it.
I've tried several times to get him to talk about this but he ignores me. He's definitely changed and when I suggested this to him it sparked a furious row, in which I finally said that perhaps we should separate. He ignored this too and now I don't know where we stand. He continues to snipe at me but when I try to address the problem, he sticks his head in the sand. What's the matter with him?
Fiona Says
It sounds as if your husband feels threatened by what you're doing and, through his unpleasant behaviour, is trying to make you give up. He probably doesn't even fully understand why he's doing it.
You say he's changed, but so have you. You've become more ambitious and you've taken steps to realise your potential. You're also showing signs of becoming less dependent on him. Over the past few years, with you being at home with the children, he's been able to adopt a very traditional role, and with your, and the children's, increasing independence, that role has changed.
He's having to face up to these changes and he's not coping with it very well.
He's also probably realised that he's going to have to face the very real possibility of his wife earning more than he does. For someone who's been used to the traditional male role (however outdated that may seem), he's perhaps finding it all very hard to take. Lashing out, either verbally or physically, is entirely unacceptable though and thank goodness we live in an age where women can fulfil their potential. He needs to realise we live in the 21st century and that this behaviour cannot continue.
You've tried the confrontational route – which hasn't worked – so, if you want to try and save your marriage, you need to find another way to reach him. Choose your moment then start talking. Talk calmly and tell him that you realise the changes you are going through are possibly hard for him. Tell him how important this is to you and how much you'd value his support to do it. Ask him what he needs from you in order to make this happen – it might be something very much simpler than you expect; perhaps reassurance that you still love him.
Hopefully, this will be the start of a calm and measured conversation in which you can both say how you feel without losing your tempers. If he's prepared to meet you halfway, then hopefully there is a chance you can make your marriage work. You have children together so it would be a shame not to try and work on things. If he continues to be aggressive and angry with you all the time though, that's a toxic mix for your children to grow up in and so, perhaps, a separation is the only way forward.
I'M SCARED ABOUT SEEING MY ATTACKER IN COURT
I WAS the victim of a crime a few months ago, when a woman who was drunk attacked me out of the blue. The police arrested her, and the case is going to court soon.
My friend told me that when she went to court she had to wait in the same room as the man who attacked her, which was very intimidating. I don't think I could cope with that and I'm in a complete state about going to court now. Would it be so wrong if I just withdrew the charges?
Fiona Says
I am sure this must be scary for you and I fully understand your wish to just get away from it all. The legal process is daunting, and it sometimes seems that it is harder on victims than on those who commit crimes. If you need support to help you through this, please speak to the police officers handling your case. Explain to them how concerned you are and ask them to put you in touch with your local Victim Support unit.
Alternatively, you can go to their website or call them direct: Victim Support Scotland (victimsupport.scot; 0800 160 1985), Victim Support Northern Ireland (victimsupportni.com; has a range of local numbers), Victim Support UK (victimsupport.org.uk; 0808 1689 111).
The trained counsellors can give practical help, information and emotional support. They can also assist with advice about compensation, insurance, police procedures and attending court.
As to whether you see this thing through, only you can decide. All I will say is that, if you do withdraw, think what sort of message this will give this woman. It would be so wrong if she thinks that, in future, she can do something like this and get away with it.
I'M CLUELESS WHEN IT COMES TO MEN
MY husband and I were both just 14 when we met; we married at 17 and he was the only boyfriend I ever had. Now at 32, we're still great friends but we're very different people and needed to move on, so we've divorced, which was the right thing for both of us.
My problem is that although I'm ready to start a new life, I just don't know how to relate to men! I'm so inexperienced that I'm still reacting like I did as a teenager when I meet someone new, which is ridiculous at my age. I wouldn't know how to behave if it ever came to sex with a new man and I think I need help.
Fiona Says
Take a deep breath and try to relax. Many of the men you'll meet will be just as nervous as you – some of them may even be in the same situation. Some men will appear to be super-confident and, while some of them are, others will be acting to cover their own insecurities.
It's an option you could try for yourself – as they say, 'Fake it until you make it'.
As for taking a relationship to the next level, remember that experience with a lot of sexual partners doesn't necessarily make for a great lover. It's more important that you are willing to give and receive pleasure than that you have knowledge of sexual techniques.
HOW CAN HE JUST DROP ME LIKE THIS?
LAST summer I met a lovely guy who I quickly became very close with. We seemed to be so happy together and our physical relationship was great.
At Christmas, he said he wanted me to meet his mum and he dropped hints about marriage. We were due to go for New Year's Day, but he called to say he was going to have to cancel. I didn't ask questions, I thought he'd explain later.
Then, two weeks ago, he called to say that he felt we shouldn't see each other anymore and I haven't heard from him since. How can he behave like this?
How can a man say he loves me then leave me high and dry? I feel as if I'm just unlovable and that I should give up.
Fiona Says
I cannot possibly say why he's behaved like this. But I can think of all kinds of possible reasons and excuses and possibilities – and none of those is that you're unlovable.
If that were the case, he would never have been attracted to you in the first place and certainly he wouldn't have stayed around for more than six months.
He could be a charmer who exploits women, but I suspect that his home life may be complicated, possibly something to do with his mother. Maybe he just had a change of heart and couldn't face telling you.
It's hard for you to cope with now but I'm quite sure there are men out there who will treat you better than this. Whatever the reason behind his decision to break up with you, the way in which he did it – with no explanation – was hurtful and immature. Please don't let behaviour like this stop you from getting on with your life.
And as unhelpful or silly as it sounds right now, it really is true what they say – we all need to work on loving ourselves first. Focus on things in your own life to build your self-esteem and self-worth.
If you have a problem you need help with, email Fiona by writing to help@askfiona.net for advice. All letters are treated in complete confidence and, to protect this privacy, Fiona is unable to pass on your messages to other readers. Fiona regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence
