I BOOKED a large villa in Spain for my family holiday next summer for three weeks. I happened to mention this to my mother and was gobsmacked when she asked if she could come too. She said she gets very little opportunity to spend time with us and our children. I didn’t know what to say – this is the first time in ages that we have been able to go abroad, and I could see we would simply end up running around after her. In the end, I ducked the question and I am sure she was hurt by this. She’s in her 60s now and still quite fit, but she’s a bit needy. Now I feel very guilty and don’t know how to get out of this mess.
PB
FIONA SAYS: I wonder why you feel you’d be running around after your mother – she might be running around after you (or at least, your children). You call her needy, but she might just miss you, and your family. There may even be advantages to her coming – it would give you a babysitter, so that you and your partner could go out together sometimes. Your children may also enjoy having their grandmother around – it could be a real chance for them to build a relationship with her. If you really think having your mother around for your entire holiday would be too much, how about a compromise? Perhaps she could come and have a week with you, leaving you to have the rest of the holiday without her. If you really don’t want her to come, then be honest with her. Yes, she may be upset, and yes, you may feel awful, but if you spend the entire holiday resenting her, you’d feel much worse.
WHAT SHOULD I DO ABOUT MY BOSS?
FOR the last 15 years, I've worked as PA to the boss of a company that has been through good times and bad.
I had a really good working relationship with my boss, who involved me in decision making and running all aspects of the company. He gave me credit for my ideas and treated me and all my colleagues as equals – rewarding us with bonuses and creating a great working environment. He decided to retire at Christmas and, for the last three months, his replacement – a much younger man – has been working alongside him.
This guy has obviously been keen to make a good impression, but his manner is much more aggressive. He doesn't praise, only criticises, and he's already said he wants to change things, so that I will be moved to a central space, rather than next door to his office.
He's never asked for my advice on days when my boss hasn't been around, or involved me in any decision making. I'm dreading going back to work after Christmas, as my boss will be gone and this man will be in place. I sense he may be trying to ease me out and bring in a younger, cheaper assistant.
I've really enjoyed my job so much, I've never looked for a new one – I'd planned to stay until I retired. I'm in my mid-50s now and I know it will be difficult to find someone else to take me on, but I'm not sure if I can cope with the new arrangements. The whole place seems so miserable now.
MP
FIONA SAYS: Management styles do differ and it's quite possible that this young man is not as self-assured as your previous boss was. He may be conscious of his youth and his more aggressive approach could be a lack of confidence and a need to show he's in charge. He is probably feeling quite stressed by the responsibility that's been given to him and that tension could be being passed on to you and your colleagues.
I'm not trying to excuse his behaviour, just trying to explain it. He was probably very conscious of your old boss being around, watching what he did, which could have added to his anxiety. So, give him a chance.
I understand how difficult this must be for you, but once he's found his feet, he may change for the better. As his PA, you are in a better position than some of your colleagues to tactfully suggest that the odd word of encouragement might be needed.
He needs to learn to relax with people and, as I said, this might come with time and experience. There again, it may not and, if you really feel you are being pushed out, you may have a case for constructive dismissal. In which case, talk to your human resources department, or perhaps your union representative if you have one.
If it's just a case of no longer enjoying what you do, then as for being too old for a new job, you may be surprised. There are employers out there who would value your experience and obvious loyalty. Keep your eyes open and look for new opportunities – perhaps something completely different where your skills would be transferable.
SHOULD I STOP BAILING OUT MY DAUGHTER?
I HAVE three lovely children but my middle one is a bit of a worry.
She and her three children live with a man who has never held down a job for more than a few months. They are always broke and seem content to live on benefits and handouts - mainly from me and my husband.
Now we've both retired and money is short, I'm really starting to resent giving them handouts and my husband thinks we should stop giving them money. He says they'll never accept responsibility for their actions as long as we keep bailing them out.
I'm worried, though, that if I say anything, she will resent us and then we won't be able to see the grandchildren. What should I do?
CC
FIONA SAYS: I don't believe you should be giving to your children when you cannot afford to do it any longer. Telling your daughter that you've been happy to help in the past but that, now you're retired and living on pensions, you can no longer afford to help her, is just common sense.
With three children, it may be difficult – if not impossible – for your daughter to get a job. The cost of childcare for her to do so could cost more than she'd earn. As for her partner, there may be good reasons why he can't keep a job, which are not his fault; some people are unlucky.
If you stop bailing them out, it might make their life difficult – but you cannot do it, if you can't afford it.
Tell your daughter that you still love and care for her and her children – but explain you are no longer able to help financially. You could, of course, offer to help in other ways – perhaps by having the children occasionally. If she's a reasonable person, I am sure it won't affect access to your grandchildren.
SHOULD I TELL MY MUM ABOUT HER NEW HUSBAND'S COMMENTS?
I was happy for my mother when she remarried last year, as she'd been on her own for 10 years after my dad left. Since, then, though, I've found out what sort of man my stepfather really is. Whenever he and I are on our own in the house, he makes all kinds of sexual remarks about me and asks about my love life.
I live with him and my mum, as my fiance and I are saving for our own place, so I can't avoid him. My fiance was very angry and threatened to have a go at him. He thinks I should tell my mum, but I don't want to upset her.
BS
FIONA SAYS: This is not an easy situation for you, but my first instinct is caution, especially about telling your mother.
This man sounds a bit immature and it's quite possible that, once you have left home, this silly behaviour will stop. Perhaps he has little to no experience with young women and doesn't know how to talk to you. He needs to understand, though, that such behaviour is wrong and, if you tell him that what he's saying is inappropriate and offensive, he will, hopefully, stop.
Please don't let your fiance "have a go" at him – it would only lead to more trouble and, potentially, a lawsuit.
If you say something to your mother, it may permanently damage her relationship with her new husband.
Let's hope you are soon able to afford a place of your own but, having said that, once you do move out, do keep an eye on your mother to see if she's alright. I hope this man is just an idiot but, if he's a pervert, she might find life very difficult and need help to get out of the relationship.
