TWO years ago, my husband and I split up because I fell for someone else. He kept the family home and I moved in with my new man. It was all a bit messy at first, but eventually everything settled down and he came to terms with it. I thought everyone was getting along OK, but last week one of my closest friends told me that she and my husband have been seeing each other. She also went on to say that they were planning for her to move into my old family home. I was so taken aback that I didn't know what to say.
I'm sure she took this to mean that I didn't mind or was completely indifferent to the situation – but I'm not. After she'd gone, I began to feel really angry and put out by the fact she and my ex-husband are now an item. I know I've got no right to be angry, as I was the one who ended the marriage.
I'm perfectly happy with my new man and I know I should wish them all the best, so why do I feel like this?
JO
FIONA SAYS: You say your relationship with your ex-husband had 'settled down' and that he 'came to terms with it' – but did you feel you could still return to him if things went wrong with your new partner? Could it be that now he has found someone else, you are forced to face the fact that your marriage is finally, completely over? Is there, perhaps, a measure of jealousy that he is attracted to someone else?
A door has been shut that, perhaps, you thought was still open, and it's not surprising that you feel a bit alarmed by this new turn of events. There could also be a measure of insecurity in that perhaps you wonder if he was always attracted to your friend – even while he was married to you.
You and your husband have been apart for two years now and you've both been travelling in completely different directions. The further apart you get from each other, the more you change, and your husband is no longer the man he was when he was with you.
You are now responsible for your own happiness, just as he is for his, and neither of you has any control over how the other feels or who they fall in love with. Nor should you want to – any more than he should want to control you.
The fact that he has a new girlfriend, someone you actually like too, probably seems unjust and unfair. It may feel like you wasted your life when you were with him, so why should he get to be happy again? Why does she get to benefit from all the hard work you put in to making your ex the man he is today? Instead of looking at things like that, start thinking about what you have achieved in the two years since you left him. You've built a new life with a new man who makes you happy.
You don't mention whether you have children ('family home' does make me wonder) but if you do, isn't it better for them that he is with someone you like and trust? It would be a great shame to lose a good friend over this, so try and accept that your feelings are quite normal and try to wish her and your ex-husband well. If you can, let them know it – tell them how pleased you are for them even if that means 'faking it until you make it'.
I'm sure that once you can refocus on your own happiness, you will start to feel better about this. You may even find that with the help of your friend, you and your ex can develop an even better relationship with one another. You might genuinely become friends again!
MY EX HAS BEEN MAKING RACIST COMMENTS ABOUT MY NEW PARTNER
Over the past six months I've been seeing a great guy who is kind, loving and gives of his time freely to me and my children, aged 10 and 12. Their father and I divorced four years ago, although he's always seen them regularly and still does.
The big problem though is that my ex-husband takes every opportunity to run down my new man to my children. My new boyfriend is black, and my ex has made several nasty remarks about this. I find racism offensive and I'm worried that my ex-husband may be somehow infecting our children with his views.
I am also worried that he will find a way of turning them against the new man in my life. How should I handle this?
LQ
FIONA SAYS: I rather suspect that your kind, loving guy, who gives his time freely to your children will go a long way in handling this for you. Children are not stupid and if they can see their mother's new boyfriend is nothing like the things their father is saying then they're going to make up their own mind.
He may be playing the race card because he's jealous and afraid he may lose his children to this new man; negativity may be the only way he knows how to combat this. He may really be a racist who gets some sort of perverse pleasure out of these infantile and hurtful comments. Whatever his reasons, his behaviour is unacceptable, and you need to make it clear that you won't allow it to continue.
Tell him you have no wish to disrupt his relationship with his children but that you will not tolerate offensive remarks about your friends and will seek legal advice if he continues to make them. Sadly, racism is on the rise in this country and it offensive and unacceptable. Your children are old enough to understand what racism is, so this may be a very good opportunity to speak to them about the issues involved. They have an opportunity to learn first-hand that the kind of person you are has nothing to do with the colour of your skin.
WOULD IT BE WRONG TO TELL THIS MARRIED OLDER MAN I LIKE HIM?
I'm 15 and sometimes I baby-sit for some friends of my sister. The husband is 25 and he's always been nice to me and I really fancy him. I have been thinking about ways I can let him know how I feel, as I'm pretty sure he feels the same way about me. He's always so nice to me whenever he drives me home after I've looked after their baby. I don't want to do anything to hurt his family, but I would really like to have a relationship with him. Would this be very wrong?
TB
FIONA SAYS: There's a simple answer to this question – yes, it would be very wrong. It's normal to have strong feelings when you have a crush, but you must consider the details and the bigger picture here.
Do you honestly think his wife and baby can somehow remain unhurt should this imagined affair go ahead? Of course they can't, so please stop fooling yourself. He is not free to have a relationship with you, and if you cannot stop fantasising about him then you need to put some distance between you. If that means you have to stop baby-sitting, then stop. I'm guessing that, at 15, you will have exams to do soon, so if necessary, use this as an excuse. Importantly, you are also 15, which is below the legal age of sexual consent in the UK and Ireland. If you and this older man were to engage in sexual activity while you are still underage, he would be committing a criminal offence.
Concentrate on looking for a relationship with someone closer to you in age, who is free to return your feelings.
MY BOYFRIEND NEVER SHOWS ME ANY AFFECTION
The man I've been going out with for the last six months was very badly hurt in the past, which he says makes it hard for him to trust anyone. He never shows me any real affection, although he is always polite and charming.
I know I am falling for him but the fact that he won't tell me he loves me is beginning to really worry me. I don't think I am asking too much to want the occasional cuddle or kind word. Do you think I have any chance of getting him to commit to me?
SK
FIONA SAYS: Some men like to wear their heartache like a badge of office – in effect saying they've been hurt before and they are not easily going to fall for that again. If this is your man, then I'm afraid getting him to make any kind of commitment will not be easy.
If you're determined to try though, encourage him to open-up and talk about what has happened to him. You could perhaps encourage him to contact Relate (relate.org.uk) for counselling and support to help him overcome these feelings. You could offer to go with him, if you think this would help him to realise you are committed to him and committed to helping him.
In time, it might work – he could begin to show love once more – but I fear you've a long, hard, road ahead of you.
:: If you have a problem you need help with, email Fiona by writing to help@askfiona.net for advice. All letters are treated in complete confidence and, to protect this privacy, Fiona is unable to pass on your messages to other readers. Fiona regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence.
