I’M NOT talking about Brexit. No, I’ve had enough; if you voted ‘leave’ then I respect your right to be wrong, and let’s just move on. Oh, all right then, you coaxed me.
That bumbling Boris thought his insane solution of two borders – tied to a DUP veto in a Northern Ireland Assembly which hasn’t sat for more than two years – having already rejected the ‘backstop’ because it was a border, was, if nothing else, imaginative.
Arlene Foster, yet again, proved herself lacking in political acumen as she happily ditched her red lines for a pat on the head from Boris. She failed to realise he played her and his ridiculous proposal was nothing more than a vehicle for him to crash out with a ‘no deal’ while blaming the EU for this failure.
But that’s it, enough of Brexit. After all, we can do absolutely nothing about it as our 90 MLAs remain on paid holiday.
After the positive news about Harland & Wolff this week, it struck me our MLAs can never be made redundant, due to the fact they don’t work. But enough of this – stop goading me. As I said, Brexit is nonsensical sh**e which we’re powerless to change.
Instead, I want to discuss sh**e we can do something about, namely dog sh**e. Few things get on my wick as much as people who don’t clean up after their pets. As a responsible owner, I never take my dog out without a poo bag. Walking Cave Hill, I became bewildered at the amount of poo bags left hanging off bushes or tree branches. I couldn’t understand why people would go to the bother of bringing a poo bag, pick up after their dog, but instead of depositing it in a bin, decide instead to hang it off a tree.
That was until the day my dog didn’t do its business close to it’s usual bin but instead, did so further up; I then noticed there weren’t any bins to put it in. It took me a three-mile hike over the hill and back down the other side until I eventually came upon the next council bin. No wonder people were abandoning their unwanted canine deposits.
While the manufacturers of poo bags do their best to sanitise their product by coating them in a fragrance, said fragrance only last a short period as they presume its prompt disposal. After 10 minutes, your nose is left in no doubt as to the contents of the little black bag you’re holding. While I was able to endure this olfactory torture for the three miles, I appreciate how others may not be as stoic and instead abandon their malodorous burden.
I contacted Belfast City Council, pointing out the supply of bins was insufficient for the amount of people using Cave Hill, but so far, they steadfastly argue that all is well. With the hill one of the most visited sites in Belfast, you’d presume, wrongly, that everything would be done to ensure the best possible experience for tourists making the hike to Napoleon’s Nose.
Once again, I’m powerless, so I’ll leave you instead with an invaluable piece of advice about dog poo bags: Always – and I do mean always – double them up before lifting your pooch’s poo. Few experiences are so horrific – apart, of course, from witnessing those naked photos of Sammy Wilson – as having your fingers tear through the poo bag as you pick up. There are few mistakes in life I can say with certainty I’ll never make again, but this is one.
What made it all the more excruciating was I couldn’t find water to wash, so my attempts at cleaning my hand became progressively more desperate. I wiped it on grass, then heather, and finally, half-frantic, I scraped it along the rough bark of a tree, but my sense of despoilment remained almost physically painful.
As a bit of a cleanliness freak, if I’d had a knife I might have cut the damn thing off, such was my discomfiture.
What got me through that day was remembering it was election time in Northern Ireland – isn’t it always? – and the possibility I might just happen upon a politician out canvassing.
Sadly, I didn’t, but if I had, he’d have received the heartiest of handshakes imaginable and spent the rest of his day bolstered that I was a supporter, while sniffing the soles of his shoes, confused as to the source of the bad smell.
