Sleb Safari: The name's Bond, Sr Bond

Sister Michael would take no nonsense from a Bond villain

PIERCE Brosnan has set the cat among the pigeons/fanned the flames/said what everyone's thinking (delete as appropriate).

Pierce, the star of four James Bond films but more importantly the co-star of two Mamma Mia films, says the next 007 should be a woman.

He told the Hollywood Reporter: "I think we've watched the guys do it for the last 40 years, get out of the way guys and put a woman up there.

"I think it would be exhilarating, it would be exciting."

Great suggestion. But who Pierce, who?

The most obvious person to take over as James Bond is Jodie Comer who plays Villanelle in the superb Killing Eve.

The other perfect candidate is Gemma Chan. She is exquisitely beautiful and could carry off Bond's suave charm with aplomb. Even then she's too obvious.

Gemma Chan

Sleb Safari doesn't want the Jodies and Gemmas. It wants something different; someone different.

Sleb Safari wants the new Bond to be more CBA than 007.

Here's the shortlist:


Aisling Bea

Aisling Bea

Have you seen her Channel 4 show This Way Up? Watch it. The Irish actor/comic with a social conscious would make a great Bond.

"Ah, noooooo Mr Moneypenny," she'd lament. "Why do I have to do that? Can I not just stay here on the sofa with you?"

Marcella from GameFace

Roisin Conaty as Marcella from the Channel 4 show GameFace

Marcella would charm the baddies, take them down her local, on to a friend's party, lose a shoe, gatecrash another party on the way home, and get them to leave drunken voicemails for the fella she likes.

The next day she'd make them go with her to see Graham the therapist and then insist they join her on stage at her old school's career's night to tell the students why a life of crime doesn't pay.

Tiffany Haddish

Tiffany Haddish 

Tiffany can do an English accent, right? Sleb Safari would love to see her wisecracking her way through martial arts-empowered take-downs and throwing in some sass as and when needed. She ready.

Sr Michael from Derry Girls

Truth be told, there can only be one female Bond and that woman is Sr Michael, principal of Our Lady Immaculate College in Derry.

Sr M would be a hard woman to break. Tied to a chair at gunpoint she'd roll her eyes and mutter "dose" as the egotistical villain explained his – or her – masterplan.

The villain would order her "Say your prayers Sister" and she'd retort "Sure what use would that do?"

She'd have the henchmen stammering explanations and apologies as she sat there in her ankle socks and below-the-knee skirt telling them to move things along as she has judo on Fridays?

The name's Bond, Sr Bond. Come on Barbara Broccoli, you know it makes sense.




Matt Goss' Tinder woes

Matt Goss

SLEBS always grumble that being famous makes it harder to ignite and sustain a genuine relationship.

Are they only attracted to you because you're gorgeous or loaded or both? Dilemma.

When Matt Goss of Bros was ready to dip his toe into the shark-infested waters of dating-while-famous he decided to try online dating in the 'real' world.

In the end Matt didn't just dip his toe, he hurled himself into the water and joined Tinder, using his own name and photograph.

People thought it bad form that someone would impersonate Matt and reported the account to Tinder.

“I got reported because they thought it was fake," Matt told the Daily Mirror.

“They said, ‘Matt won’t take kindly to you using his photos’. It was quite funny.”

Matt is keen to let everyone know that this story has a happy ending as he is “seeing somebody" and feels "excited about it”.

Let's all swipe right on this anecdote.


Hugh Grant Doesn't Want His Children To Be Actors

THINK self-deprecating English actor who's made a career out of mainly playing self-deprecating, awkward but terribly endearing characters in films and you should be picturing Hugh Grant.

While Hugh has made his millions from show business he doesn't want his children to follow him into the industry. In an interview with Vanity Fair he said he had "banned" them from acting, adding “The older ones, I’ve seen in a few school plays and, luckily, they display no talent.”

Lol. Classic Hugh.


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