I've been married for 14 years and mostly things have been good but, over the last year, something seems to have gone wrong. My husband and I argue a lot and if we're not arguing, we seem to spend time not talking. Strangely, when we do talk, we both agree we still love one another. My problem though is that about three months ago, when things were bad, I went out with a guy from work and slept with him a couple of times. He says he loves me and part of me wants to leave my husband and go with him but, every time I almost walk out, something stops me. I feel trapped and so confused.
AM
FIONA SAYS: I suspect, from that you've said, that what's stopping you is that you still love your husband. If you honestly felt no love for your husband at all then I'm sure you'd seriously think about leaving – but wouldn't you rather try and save your marriage? If you do, then you'll have to stop the relationship with your colleague, however painful that may be. It might even mean changing you job to move yourself away from temptation.
There's every possibility that you and your husband could be happy together once more, but it's going to need commitment from both of you. To get to the bottom of what has gone wrong, you might find it helpful to contact Relate (relate.org.uk), either online or through face-to-face counselling.
I'M ANNOYED MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER TELLS PEOPLE I'M HORRIBLE
AS a single mum, I thought I had a close and loving relationship with my two children. My daughter, 15, doesn't seem to feel the same way. My son (12) tells me that she's been telling people her home life is terrible and that I'm a cruel monster. She's complained that she has no personal freedom and that I've tried to keep her and her father apart. However, nothing could be further from the truth.
She has a lot more freedom than I had at her age, and I've tried really hard to help her and her father maintain a good relationship.
I feel so hurt and embarrassed because I've no idea what else she might have been saying and who she's been saying it to, other than her school friends. The fact is, I love her very much and can't believe that she would hurt me in this way. I have no idea how to speak to her, but I feel I'm going to have to confront her.
WH
FIONA SAYS: I don't think a confrontation is what she needs right now. She's likely to react badly and may see it as confirmation of what she might or might not have been saying to other people.
In fact, all of this could be no more than gossip that your son has picked up, or a mis-heard rumour about someone else entirely. However, if you're daughter has been saying these things, you need to tread carefully, as there could be several explanations.
Young people place great importance on image, so it's possible that she is trying to create a persona other than her own; perhaps of a hard-done-by youngster from a fractured family. I'm not saying this is how she sees herself, only how she might want others to see her. She may have low self-esteem so creates a fantasy life for herself where she's a more interesting and exciting person, one that others will find more attractive.
She may even feel the need to attract sympathy for some reason, perhaps because she doesn't like herself very much. Perhaps she is simply mad at you about something. Whatever is going on, you won't resolve the problem by being confrontational. You're more likely to do this by encouraging her to talk about her feelings.
Many parents find the teenage years challenging, but it's important to remember that it's often very hard on teenagers too. As they grow into adults, they must cope with significant physical changes to their bodies along with powerful hormonal surges. These can produce unpredictable emotions and behaviour, at a time when they under great pressure from peers and from the need to succeed at school.
It's all very strange, confusing and tough. So what she really needs in her life is a stabilising, calming influence - someone who can talk with her. Not to nag or ask about homework or school; just to be and to chat. She needs to know that you love and care about her, and talking is the best way for her to learn that. If you're unsure about where to start, ask for her advice or opinion; we all need to feel valued. It can be as simple as what to have for dinner or where to go out with a friend. Alternatively, tell her about your day or something that's happened, and make sure there are pauses so that she can join in if she wants. Building a better relationship with your daughter may not happen overnight but with patience I am sure things can improve. Remember, being a teenager doesn't last forever.
MY HUSBAND DOESN'T WANT ME VOLUNTEERING OVERNIGHT
I started volunteering for the helpline of a charity six months ago and I really enjoy it. It seems I'm quite good at it and I've been given the role of senior advisor. This means that, once a fortnight, I'm on duty overnight. I always get back promptly the following morning, but my husband really doesn't like it. He wants me to volunteer for something else that doesn't involve staying out overnight. The problem is, I am very committed to the work of this charity and I enjoy what I do. How do I get him to understand – it seems so unfair.
VC
FIONA SAYS: Has he explained why he doesn't like it? If it's a question of being concerned for your safety, can you reassure him that you ARE safe? How do you go to and from the charity? Who else is with you during the night? If you are in contact with the charity's client group, what procedures are in place to protect you? If he sees that you are genuinely safe this may allay his fears.
However, if he resents the fact that you're doing something and he isn't, suggest that perhaps he could see this as an opportunity to do something that appeals to him. It might be a night out with his mates, taking up a sport of some kind, or perhaps even voluntary work as well. It doesn't matter what he does, the point is to show him that this arrangement could work well for both of you.
To reassure him further you could put in place a regular face-to-face call, just before he goes to bed for the night. If you both remain reasonable then I'm sure you can find a way to resolve this without it becoming a crisis for your relationship.
SHOULD I TELL MY FRIEND HER NEW BOYFRIEND IS BAD NEWS?
I've just discovered that the man my best friend is going out with has been lying to her. He's told her he's single, but it seems he's separated and still sees his wife from time to time. I also heard that he's dangerous and has been to prison for beating someone up. Now I'm worried for my friend and think I should tell her - but she seems so happy with him. The last thing I want to do is hurt her.
CB
FIONA SAYS: How certain are you that all this information is true? It could all be gossip. It's possible that there is no relationship now with the person he sees, other than friendship – or perhaps there never was a relationship? Perhaps he has been to prison, but that doesn't necessarily make him dangerous. And if he's done his time, doesn't he now deserve a chance of happiness? It may be that someone is jealous of her newfound happiness and is trying to turn her against this man, using you as a weapon. However, if you can prove these facts then I feel you must tell your friend, even though she may be angry with you. She'd be angrier still though if she found out later that he's married and that you knew and never told her. Do it gently, though, because it is bound to hurt her.
If you have a problem you need help with, email Fiona by writing to help@askfiona.net for advice. All letters are treated in complete confidence and, to protect this privacy, Fiona is unable to pass on your messages to other readers. Fiona regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence
