OVER the past year I've been seeing a guy who's married – it's not something I'm particularly proud of as I'd always said it was something I'd avoid doing. I now think I'm in love with him though, and I want to be with him, but he can't leave his wife and family just yet.
He tells me he doesn't love his wife, but she's been ill for a long time and he doesn't want to leave his children to care for her. He says that looking after her – and the children – keeps him really busy, and we've been finding it increasingly difficult to arrange our time together.
I suggested we should stop seeing one another for a while, but he begged me not to do this and said seeing me is the only respite he gets from all the family problems.
I can understand why he feels like this, but this doesn't stop me from resenting every moment that he is with them rather than me. Life seems so unfair.
AH
FIONA SAYS: I'm sad to say that I've heard over and over again from people who tell me that their lover can't leave because of some reason or another.
I don't know if his wife is genuinely ill or whether your lover is enjoying the benefits of family life with a willing mistress on the side. Whether it's true or not, you are left feeling unhappy and uncertain. You say you "think" you love him; that he "says" looking after her keeps him busy.
There's an element of doubt in the way you're expressing this that makes me wonder if you really believe all you're being told. If you genuinely believe this man, you've got to decide if you love him enough to put up with the pain and uncertainty you're going through. You might have to ask him some difficult questions, such as what he will do if his wife doesn't get better? And how long does he think you'll have to wait for him? You deserve to know what to expect.
If you aren't satisfied with his answers, or if you start doubting whether his stories are true or not, it might be time for you to move on. You deserve love and perhaps you need a fresh start with someone who is genuinely free to return it.
I AM ANNOYED THAT I'M BEING PASSED OVER FOR PROMOTION
LAST month I got passed over for promotion yet again.
I have been with this company for five years and, in that time, I have seen three new people join the company at the same level as me. Each one of them has been moved onto a more senior position before me.
This latest one hurts the most because I think I am better qualified and have a better work record.
I work hard and have not missed more than a few days with illness since I started. It all seems so unfair.
I don't want to make a fuss about this because I am worried this will get me fired, but what can I do? Should I just look for another job?
RB
FIONA SAYS: Assuming something is wrong, and this is not simply down to bad management, wouldn't you rather know what the reason might be before looking for another job? The last thing you need is to perpetuate the problem and end up with another employer who also passes you over repeatedly for promotion.
I know it hurts, but please don't make any hasty decisions.
Instead, I suggest you start by making an honest assessment of your performance to date with the company.
It's tough being this self-analytical, but it will pay dividends if you can. Think about the targets you're required to meet and assess how well you've done.
Did you exceed them, or did you simply do just enough?
Do you act on your own initiative or rely on others to make all decisions? Do you volunteer for extra tasks when your workload is quiet? Are you willing to do more work? If yes, does your employer know this?
Do they know you want to be considered for promotion and that you're ready for the extra responsibility that goes with it? Be honest and if you genuinely feel that your performance is of (or better than) the standard required, ask for an appraisal. If your company doesn't have a formal appraisal system, ask to speak to someone in HR or, failing that, a senior manager.
I know you are reluctant to rock the boat but, if you don't ask them to explain why you're being overlooked, you'll never be able to make the changes they may be looking for.
Managers are often reluctant to deliver negative news, to the point where many of them never give a detailed, honest performance review at all.
So, if you think there is no substance to what is said, or they appear to be avoiding the issue, you may have to push a little harder to uncover what it is the other candidates had that you don't. You also need to steel yourself for the possibility that they say something negative.
Criticism can be bruising, even when it's constructive and honestly delivered. Try not to get angry or upset.
Instead, take on board anything that's negative about your working practices and skill set. Then ask if they would consider you for future promotions if you undertake relevant training to correct these issues. If you don't get an acceptable answer to this, or you're left still in doubt about your future with the company, perhaps it is indeed time to look elsewhere.
The jobs website Monster.co.uk has lots of helpful advice and guidelines in its 'career resources' section, including information on being passed up for promotion.
Have a good look through and I'm sure you'll find things you can use to push yourself forward and enhance your prospects.
I HATE PUBLIC SPEAKING
I am due to attend a training course next month and I have just found out that it includes a couple of sessions on public speaking. I have always hated doing this, which is probably why my employer didn't tell me about it when they booked the course. The last time I had to speak to a crowd was at a friend's wedding and I completely froze. Someone else had to step in and finish the speech. It was a nightmare, humiliating and terrifying in equal measure.
Now I am dreading this course and wonder if I should find a reason to pull out. I'm already losing sleep as I know I'm going to get singled out to talk to the group.
PD
FIONA SAYS: Please don't worry about being singled out.
If part of the course is about learning how to speak in public, everyone in the group will be expected to have a go at some stage. And if they're on the course, chances are they too struggle with it and are just as nervous about it as you!
So you see, you won't be alone. Also, trainers on this type of course are usually very good at getting groups of people to relax. So please, don't avoid the course.
It will give you valuable skills that you can use next time you're asked to speak at an event or function.
You can do this.
THE DEATH OF MY GRANDAD HAS REALLY AFFECTED ME
THREE weeks ago my grandad died and I had no idea that losing someone close to me would hurt so much. It's the first time I've lost anyone, and although I've tried to cheer myself up since the funeral, I just can't stop feeling miserable.
My mum wasn't close to my grandad and she seems to have just carried on as normal, so I can't talk to her about how I feel. I know everyone dies and perhaps I'm being foolish, but I just don't know how to deal with this.
AT
FIONA SAYS: You're not being foolish, and your feelings are entirely normal. Grief affects people in different ways and, so soon after your grandfather's death, I am not surprised that you are feeling hurt and miserable.
The fact your mother appears to be taking this in her stride doesn't mean she isn't just as sad as you though.
It may be that she's bottling up her feelings about her father's death - which isn't healthy, and she may react badly some time down the line. It may be though that she is expressing her grief when no one else is around, or is trying to hide them from the younger generation – you.
Either way, do please talk to your mum because I'm sure that, if you share your sense of loss with someone it will help you come to terms with it. I hope you'll be able to talk to your mum but even if you do, you might find you'd like expert help too. Contact Cruse Bereavement Care (cruse.org.uk) and talk to one of their advisors.
Through Cruse you can access a support service for young people called Hope Again (hopeagain.org.uk) that you might find helpful.
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If you have a problem you need help with, email Fiona by writing to help@askfiona.net for advice. All letters are treated in complete confidence and, to protect this privacy, Fiona is unable to pass on your messages to other readers. Fiona regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence
