Life

Sleb Safari: Gemma Collins and the case of the professional space clearing consultant

Gemma Collins survived for six weeks on Dancing On Ice

ANOTHER week another celebrity story that will drive your eyebrows into your hairline.

Step forward Gemma Collins and her shaman, who is known as Fire Horse as well as by her given name Sue Holmes. Fire Horse has been chatting to the Daily Mirror about Gemma’s efforts to rid the Dancing On Ice rink of performance nobbling negative energy.

Did Sleb Safari mention that Fire Horse is also a “professional space clearing consultant”? It’s always best to hire a professional for a job like that, an enthusiastic amateur could make a total mess of it.

After extensive research Fire Horse ascertained that the Dancing On Ice rink had been built on a former WW2 RAF base, therefore unconducive to ice skating or any other joyous expressions of movement because of the residual fear and anxiety felt by the air force personnel.

Fire Horse believes Gemma was picking up on those emotions, resulting in an under par performance. Here’s how she reached that conclusion.

“As a professional space clearing consultant first of all I come and I sense the energies of the place. I asked people about the history and it had been a base during the war, an RAF base. There would have been a lot of fear.”

Read more: Sleb Safari - Gemma Collins could have fallen into Strictly Come Dancing

Paying particular attention to the exact spot on the ice where Gemma fell Fire Horse sensed that disharmonious earth energy was preventing the GC from reaching her skating potential.

And so Fire Horse got to work, setting up a table and placing lighted candles and significant objects on it. Then while she banged a drum Gemma shook a crystal filled rattle. Here’s why: “There were two lines of disharmonious land energy. They were crossing the ice rink.”

Crikey, it’s worse than the San Andreas fault.

“They actually crossed in the very place where the fall happened so I used crystals at the healing point to harmonise that energy.”

Despite Fire Horse’s very best space clearing efforts Gemma was eliminated on the next show but the consultant proved she has many more strings to her bow with a biting insight into Gemma’s exit.

It was too late, she said, for Gemma to play catch up and reach the standard of the other dancers.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why space clearing consultants are paid the big bucks.

Ironically Gemma took one proper fall on the ice and is being heartily compensated above and beyond a standard slip on the ice. Word has it the GC is now charging £13,000 for a one-hour club appearance which, from every angle, is money for old rope.

At that rate of going Gemma is skating towards early retirement. And yes, that is envy you detect...

Read more: Sleb Safari - Gemma Collins' rules for living your best life

Tiffany Haddish and the Drake Family

Tiffany Haddish arrives at the 70th Primetime Emmy Awards in September 2018

Tiffany Haddish, trademarked owner of the phrase ‘She ready’, has been dishing the dirt on celebrities sliding into her DMs and told a grade A anecdote involving Drake’s dad.

“You know what, Drake slid into my DMs. I saw him a few days later and he was like, ‘yo! You didn’t respond to my DMs!’ I was like, ‘well I don’t even know that you follow me!’”

Drake invited her to appear in a music video and Tiffany told Glamour she thought “‘oh maybe something might happen, you know!’” and suggested they go out for dinner.

“He said, ‘yeah we could eat dinner,’ and then I never heard from him again.”

Tiffany concluded that things went pear shaped because she didn’t play it cool and then she added a kicker that took the story to a whole other level.

“His dad hit me up though and I turned his dad down. I’m not being Drake’s step momma!”

Read more: Sleb Safari - Who bit Beyoncé?

Two New Versions Of The X Factor In The Works

This is the face of a man who doesn't believe we've suffered enough

In a most unnecessary addition to the TV talent show canon Simon Cowell will launch two new series of The X Factor in 2019 as well as an additional version of Britain’s Got Talent.

True to form, Simon has described his plans as “exciting”. For whom Simon, for whom?

We can expect a celebrity version of The X Factor along with an all-star edition with former contestants. To add insult to injury Simon is also finalising a version of Britain’s Got Talent where past winners compete against each other. That feeling creeping up on you? It's dread.

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