"I AM nearly 80 and have always had a high sex drive. My wife, who is a couple of years younger than me, has (for the most part) been just as active as me.
However, last year she began to lose interest for no apparent reason. This has gradually declined to the point where we have had not been intimate for over six months and I am struggling with this.
My wife thinks that we are too old to be intimate and that there must be something wrong with me. What she doesn't understand is that I feel just as interested now as I was in my 30s.
Is she right, though? Could there be something wrong with me and should I see my doctor? This has already caused more than a few arguments and I am worried that, unless we can find a solution, it will put our relationship at risk. And that's something I really don't want to happen."
Anon
FIONA SAYS: "While your wife is wrong in thinking you're too old for a sexual relationship, the problem here is that she feels you are. There's plenty of research to show that lots of men and women in their 70s and 80s are still sexually active. And whilst intimacy may not take place so frequently, it certainly hasn't stopped. But that's not to say that everybody must be having sex at every age – some people do find their sex drive declines.
"Clearly, her expectations and yours are different and you say your wife has lost interest, so what has changed?
"The obvious reasons are that she's started to find intercourse uncomfortable, or she's experienced a loss of libido – either one of which could make her no longer want to participate.
"Feelings about sexual activity do change over time, and whilst discomfort or loss of libido can account for this, there are all kinds of other factors that might apply.
"For a start, it might be that she no longer feels any sexual attraction. She may also not feel attractive herself – a loss of self-confidence could affect her libido. There could be physical concerns, too. For example, some women can experience slight urinary incontinence at orgasm, which she might find off-putting.
"The fact that the two of you are arguing about this is also likely to be a turn off for her. It also implies that you might be pushing her, or getting angry with her about it – is this the case? If it is the case, then it is unlikely to help.
"Rather than arguing about it, can you not really start to talk to one another?
Speaking openly about sex might not be easy for either of you, but better communication will bring greater intimacy – if you feel closer, you're likely to get closer.
"Whatever age you're at, a good love life involves intimacy and closeness far more than the act itself. If you can forget about what it used to be like between you, and start to think about what it could be like now, it might help you both.
"Focus on intimacy, tenderness and physical contact – be kind, playful, humorous and caring. And above all, be honest, talk to one another about what you would like from your relationship now and in the future.
"Sexual activity will change as we get older; closeness and intimacy can become vital components for satisfaction.
"So, to become close to your wife once more, try and put the arguments behind you – open an affectionate conversation between you that looks at both your needs."
MY PARTNER THINKS WE'RE TOO YOUNG FOR MARRIAGE
"In the New Year, when I am 22, I will have lived with my boyfriend for four years. We have a lovely daughter who is two and a nice flat together, and while we seem happy, I'm worried about the future.
"I think it's important that we get married, not just because it confirms our commitment to each other but also because it would be better for our daughter. However, he thinks we're too young to go through a marriage and gets a bit angry whenever I mention it.
"Why is he doing this and why can't he see how important it is? Should I insist on it?"
PR
FIONA SAYS: "I am not sure that would help. He has made his current feelings on the matter clear and if you try to force change on him with such an ultimatum, it is likely to backfire. It may simply push him into a decision that neither of you seems to want, namely that he leaves you.
"That said, if marriage is off the cards now, I see nothing wrong with getting some clarification about the future from him. For example, at what point will you both stop being 'too young'? And, if he loves you, does he see a time when you could be married?
"I think you might also remind him that, whatever your relationship status, you both have a duty of care to your daughter. If marriage continues to not be an option, one thing that could help her is for both of you to have a will. Naming each other as the main beneficiary (or your daughter, if you both die) would give you valuable reassurance that her future would be more secure."
WHY AM I STILL THINKING ABOUT MY EX?
"Please help – I think I may be in love with two people. My current boyfriend is everything I have ever wanted in a man; he's kind, loving and great fun to be with. We have also started to talk about getting married, so why do I keep thinking about my ex-fiance?
"I haven't seen or spoken to him in over two years and, when we parted, it wasn't on the best of terms, yet I still find myself thinking about him almost daily.
"We knew one another for many years; we went to college together then worked at the same company for a while, but it all went wrong when I found out he'd been cheating on me. After what he did, why can't I forget about him?"
EN
FIONA SAYS: "He was an important part of your life for several years, and so it's not surprising that you're unable to completely forget him. Given that you think about him so often, though, suggests you may have some doubts about your current relationship.
"Are you comparing your current relationship with the past one and finding reasons to be concerned? This is not unusual, as many people start to have doubts as they get closer to making a long-term relationship commitment.
"Do I really want to get married? Is this the right one for me? Do I really love him? Am I making the same mistake again? If any of this sounds familiar, you may find it helpful to share these thoughts with a Relate counsellor (relate.org.uk).
"If, however, you continue to be happy with this new man, I suggest you focus on this instead, and the memories of your ex-fiance will almost certainly fade."
OVERWHELMED BY EXHAUSTING FAMILY LIFE
"I have five children, including two step-children from my husband's previous marriage. Life has become one long, exhausting slog, as he has to work long hours because money is always tight, and I hold down a part-time job a well as looking after the children.
"We're both miserable all the time, rarely talk and almost never go out. Christmas is particularly stressful because we need to find extra money for presents, as well as extra time for the children during the holidays.
"Last year, I nearly had a meltdown and I'm worried something similar might happen again. Additionally, a new man has started working at my company who is friendly, attentive and clearly interested in me. What's worried me even more than the threat of a meltdown is that I have found myself thinking about running away to be with him.
"I love my children and my husband, so how can I think like this?"
WH
FIONA SAYS: "Probably because you are exhausted, your marriage is in a rut and you are unhappy. This other man offers an escape (either real or imagined) from all of this.
"Running away would certainly give you a temporary reprieve but, as you probably already suspect, the problems of being responsible for five children are not going away anytime soon.
"Big families are always tough and, if you are honest with yourself, this was always going to be the case. The good news, though, is that you love your husband and your children. This should give you the strength to find a way to breathe new life back into your marriage.
"Your husband probably feels equally trapped by the long hours he must work, so please talk with him soon and find a way to spend more time together. This doesn't need money, it needs a commitment to change.
"It could be something as simple as going for a walk together regularly, or turning off the TV once or twice a week in order to share a hobby or board game, perhaps with the children too. Make sure the children help you by doing chores of which they're capable - every little will help.
"If you find yourself building up a head of steam and need support, contact Family Lives (familylives.org.uk), where you can talk to a counsellor who will help . There's a really good article on their homepage at the moment about coping with Christmas on a budget that's well worth you reading too."
:: If you have a problem you need help with, email Fiona by writing to help@askfiona.net for advice. All letters are treated in complete confidence and, to protect this privacy, Fiona is unable to pass on your messages to other readers. Fiona regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence.
