"A few months back, I joined a Pilates class and quickly made some new friends. One woman has become very friendly and clearly wants to see more of me.
"I didn't mind this at first, as I had been feeling lonely and a bit down, especially the closer we got to my first Christmas without my husband, who died back in January. However, she does go on about how wonderful her husband is and I'm not sure I can cope with this anymore.
"By all accounts, he's incredibly intelligent, has a fantastic job as an investment manager and buys her all manner of expensive gifts and holidays. I don't begrudge her any of this, but it does seem to be her main topic of conversation and it's driving me nuts.
"To make matters worse, she always sits next to me when we have coffee after Pilates. She's also started to pop in unannounced and yesterday invited me to her house for drinks on Christmas Eve.
"When she's not talking about her husband, she's good company. What's more, I enjoy the classes and don't want to give them up, but what can I do?
"If I keep seeing her, I know it's only a question of time before I lose my temper.
She knows my husband died recently so why is she doing this?"
TS
FIONA SAYS: "It's possible that she is simply insensitive to the needs of others. It's also interesting that she seems obsessed with how good her husband is, yet has very little to say about her marriage. This suggests that maybe not everything is as rosy as she implies.
"Perhaps it is not a happy, loving marriage at all and maybe the constant flow of gifts is a way to compensate for this. And perhaps constantly talking about her husband is her roundabout way of flagging up her unhappiness and seeking support or help from a friend.
"We could dwell on the reasons all day, but what's important here is that it is making you unhappy. How you deal with this will largely depend on whether you want the new friendship to continue.
"If you're happy for it to fade away, there's no need to be confrontational. If she visits you unexpectedly, politely say that you're busy. When you're in a group after Pilates, try to sit somewhere that doesn't have a vacant seat near it.
Then simply decline all invitations.
"If you do get trapped into a conversation, keep it as brief as possible but don't be rude. It may take a while, but I am sure that even someone as insensitive as this should get the message eventually.
"If, however, you want the friendship to continue, you need to find a way to let what she says not affect you. And if you can't do this then you'll need to explain to her how she is upsetting you.
"Here again, there's no reason why this need be awkward or aggressive. Find a quiet moment and calmly let her know that you are still hurting from the recent death of your husband and that, by talking about her husband so much, she is making this worse. My hope is this should embarrass her into thinking more carefully about what she says.
"However, if she continues much as before, you'll need to decide whether this particular friendship is worth the hassle. As for drinks on Christmas Eve, if you feel up to it, then why not go? You'd have a chance to decide for yourself whether this man is as wonderful as she says!"
MY DAD IS REFUSING TO GET HIS HEARING CHECKED
"Over the past year, my father's hearing has deteriorated significantly. He's 67, otherwise fit and healthy, but won't accept that he has a problem. However, whenever I visit, I find I have to shout to get him to hear me, which just gets him even more wound up because he thinks I am being rude.
"I have tried to get him to have a hearing test, but he refuses saying it's unnecessary and expensive. So whenever he goes out, I worry that he's going to have an accident as he can't hear approaching traffic. What must I do to get him to see sense?"
MO
FIONA SAYS: "It's likely that he already knows he has a problem, but to acknowledge it to others means having to accept that he is getting older. However, for his own safety, he needs to deal with this, so I suggest you keep encouraging him to test his hearing.
"Explain that hearing tests are free if organised through his GP and many pharmacies, hearing centres and even opticians often offer them for free too.
He could even take a free online or phone test through Action on Hearing Loss (actiononhearingloss.org.uk).
"Meanwhile, I suggest you avoid shouting when you visit and instead speak at a normal volume. Then, when he struggles to hear, it might be just the push he needs to seek help."
WHY DO I KEEP PUSHING MEN AWAY?
"Over the past eight years, I have had several good relationships, or at least I thought they were at the start. They have all been with genuinely good guys, none of whom treated me badly however, before things got serious, I would find some reason to push them away.
"Either their politics didn't fit, or their job was wrong, and in one case because I convinced myself he was gay. He's since married someone else and has a child!
"Why do I do this? I have now met someone else and am really confused about what to do. How can I stop myself becoming a lonely and bitter spinster?"
LD
FIONA SAYS: "The obvious answer would be that you are afraid of commitment, but I can't help but wonder if it might be that you fear rejection.
"You may think this odd, especially as you are clearly still trying to find a relationship, but it's possible you are pushing these men away because, at some point, you expect them to do it to you. This suggests that low self-esteem or a lack of confidence might also be at work here.
"So please, before this new relationship goes much further, consider chatting through these issues with a Relate counsellor (relate.org.uk). The last thing you need is for this destructive cycle to repeat itself again."
MY MARRIED LOVER KEEPS LETTING ME DOWN
"I have been having an affair with a married man for the past three years. We've kept it a secret from everyone and we only ever get together at my flat.
It has been hard accepting that he is with another woman when he's not with me, but I love him, and I know that this is the only way I can spend time with him.
"Back in August, he didn't contact me for almost two months and I got completely frantic as I had no way of contacting him – in fact I don't even know what his surname is.
"However, I was so relieved when he made contact again towards the end of October, and things went back to the way they used to be. Then, two weeks ago, he disappeared on me again and now I am hurt and terrified that this might be for good.
"How can he keep doing this to me?"
AH
FIONA SAYS: "Because he's a selfish, manipulative man who is using you and who clearly has no intention of ever leaving his family to be with you. I'm sorry if this seems harsh but you've been badly hurt twice already, and you need to understand that, should he return, he is very likely to do it again.
"Is this really the type of man that you want? Wouldn't you rather have a relationship with someone who genuinely cares for you and who is free to be with you?
"I know that you're hurting but please, for the sake of your self-respect, don't let this man back into your life. I'd even encourage you to think about moving to make it less easy for him to find you again. Three years is more than long enough to be treated so badly – so give yourself the Christmas present you really need and put him out of your life."
:: If you have a problem you need help with, email Fiona by writing to help@askfiona.net for advice. All letters are treated in complete confidence and, to protect this privacy, Fiona is unable to pass on your messages to other readers. Fiona regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence.
