Sleb Safari: Have you met 'Sister' Bruno Tonioli?

FOURTEEN years as a Strictly Come Dancing judge and Bruno Tonioli has never watched an episode of the show. Can you believe it?

The rest of us, committed Strictly fans one and all, have clocked up more than 100 episodes across the 14 years although – confession session – once the number of couples reached 15 and the longer shows began munching through more than two hours of the weekend, Sleb Safari stopped watching the first few weeks of each series.

The way Sleb Safari sees it, there’s little point investing when you don’t know who some of the celebrity dancers are and everyone is rubbish for the first month.

Bruno probably wishes he could let an understudy handle the first few weeks and slide into his judge’s seat around week five. If Sleb Safari were a judge, it would emulate Alan Sugar and do double eliminations as and when the mood took it.

Cultivating something special at Flax Lane

Bruno, like Len Goodman before him, doesn’t only judge Strictly for the BBC, he also sits on the judging panel of the US version of the show, Dancing With The Stars. The two shows overlap, which means him flying back and forth from London to LA every week.

Bruno says it’s ever so tiring and he leads a pedestrian life while filming the two shows.

"I don't go out for two months," he said.

"I stay home in the evenings, I go to the gym and stay fit. It’s like being a nun. By the end I’m exhausted. Never mind Lady Gaga, it’s Bruno Gaga.

"But I’m very lucky and I will do it for as long as I can and as long as they want me."

Bruno lives like a nun.... Hmmm. Do nuns fly transatlantic first class? Have they access to wardrobe, hair, make-up, gym membership? Do they get paid hundreds of thousands of pounds for a couple of months’ work? They do? Well why in God’s name did nobody from the school careers department tell Sleb Safari this?!

Bruno says his is the life of a nun, but it’s no nun Sleb Safari knows. It cast far and wide to find a nun whose lifestyle matches Bruno’s, but drew a blank.

Certainly Mother Theresa never struck Sleb Safari as a ballroom dancing gym fiend with a penchant for wild gesticulation and a tendency to start every sentence with the word 'darling'.

If Bruno says he’s living like a nun then we can only take his word for it. Perhaps nuns do things differently in Italy?

Beyonce's Homage to Toni Braxton

Did you see how Beyonce broke Halloween? Again? She posed as Toni Braxton from her self-titled album cover circa 1993 and named her homage Phoni Braxton.

She wrote on Instagram: "Sending love and adoration to one of our talented legends. Thank you for the countless bops. Your tone, your beauty, your range, and your God-given talent is treasured. Loving you always. Have a Happy Halloween my Kings and Queens."

Toni was as thrilled as you'd expect, sharing a split image of her album cover and Beyonce's tribute.

Kelly Brook has her proposal planned

Kelly Brook is a lady who likes to be engaged, having said yes to the dress four times already. How and ever Sleb Safari will not be indulging in Brook bashing because she’s free to accept as many marriage proposals as she likes.

Kelly says none of the proposals were memorable or indeed romantic which, according to the manual, are crucial elements and could sway a decision.

To that end she has planned her fifth and final engagement and it’ll be on a beach in Iceland.

"I found this beach, it’s called Diamond Beach and it’s basically this black beach and it is full of these glaciers and it just looks so incredible," she told listeners of Heart radio station.

"It’s so beautiful and I think that is the best place to get engaged."

Kelly, you do realise you’ve put your boyfriend in an impossible position?

He’s now trapped between wanting to create your perfect proposal versus you knowing what's going on once he mentions going to Iceland and to that specific beach.

Poor bloke.

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