Sleb Safari: Keep your face cream on crystals to add a little extra energy to it

The Kate Hudson Method: Place your moisturiser on a crystal to energise it

YOU’VE caught Sleb Safari today with a nasty, noisy packet of Doritos in its petite, feminine hands. It’s humiliating because Sleb Safari is nearing the end of the packet and there’s orange dust clinging to its fingers but it dare not be seen licking them.

There are tantalising tiny broken bits in the corner of the packet too but it would be mucho embarrassing for Sleb Safari to tip the bag and let the final crumbs jettison into its mouth in public. What would people think? Sleb Safari cannot take that risk.

If only the makers of Doritos would consider making a daintier size packet containing a lady-like quantity of quieter, less crispy crisps. Sigh.

One woman who is likely a stranger to Doritos is Kate Hudson. What she isn’t a stranger to, however, is a crystal of the rose quartz variety.

Sleb Safari was intrigued by a picture Kate shared on Instagram that showed her expensive La Mer face cream balancing on crystals. Kate captioned her photograph: “May seem crazy but don’t underestimate putting your creams on crystals to add a little extra energy”.

Reader, it was like a scene from Heidi Montag’s delivery suite when she produced a son and heir to the Montag-Pratt social media fiefdom and crystal emporium.

You’d have to be crazy to think there was anything crazy about Kate’s practice. It makes perfect sense. Henceforth Sleb Safari shall place its jar of peanut butter atop a pot of face cream so that as it tucks into a slice of toast smeared in nutty goodness its face shall simultaneously be moisturised. This is foolproof.

Sleb Safari is also weighing up the pros and cons of putting a bottle of shower gel on top of a yoga mat to negate the need for Monday night yoga class.

The Tanqueray 10 is going to have a new home too, perched on a container of cod liver oil. Every G&T will be spiritually infused with Omega 5 and other fishy goodness, averting creaky joints and whatever else might have been lying in wait for Sleb Safari when it reached 80.

But please, don’t let Sleb Safari have all the fun. Every time you make a cup of tea why not set it on a different Booker Prize novel to ensure you absorb it by literary-tannin osmosis?

And why not cancel your gym membership, buy a treadmill for your ‘home gym’ and use it as somewhere to store your make up bag? Hey presto you’ve saved money and are still (kind of) exercising.

Kate Hudson you are a marvel. We'll all remember the day we began practising the Kate Hudson Method.


Social Media Smut


We are all stretching to prep for that tour choreo.

A post shared by Taylor Swift (@taylorswift) on

Willem Dafoe and his interesting hobby

WILLEM Dafoe, he of the character actor features and undeniable charm, has been speaking about his love of doing laundry.

"It's one of my great pleasures," he told The Hollywood Reporter. "I love it so much, I have to resist the urge to do a lot of hand washing when I'm in hotels. Sometimes, when I'm in a strange city, I go to laundromats. I did that in France recently – I was shooting a movie there – and it was a beautiful experience. For some reason, people are really nice to me in laundromats and I have these great encounters. Talk about fun and sexy…"

Honestly, the last time Sleb Safari was in a laundrette it was a student and it does not recall it being remotely sexy. It does, however, remember shovelling 20p coins into the tumble dryer and praying it had enough to get its Going Out Top dried in time for a night in the Bot. Now that was fun.


Competition Winner

THE winner of a year's supply of Pure Bites snacks is Aoibheann McCartan from Dungannon. Enjoy!


Hooray for the Great Stand Up to Cancer Bake Off

THE line-up for the Great Stand Up to Cancer Bake Off for Channel 4 has been revealed and it’s going to be a cracker. Among the slebs taking part are Aisling Bea, Alan Carr, Teri Hatcher, Stacey Solomon, Tim Minchin, Kadeena Cox and Harry Hill.

Sleb Safari cannot wait to see Stacey Solomon get flustered, drop a dozen flapjacks and start honking with laughter. Stacey for the win!

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