Sleb Safari: Oprah v The Rock - Who will win the 2020 US presidential race?
SLEB Safari joins you this week fresh from its sick bed and smelling faintly of a supermarket-brand vapour rub that was its constant companion over several feverish days.
The best-sounding ingredient in this vapour rub was eucalyptus globulus. At this point Sleb Safari’s blood is likely 50 per cent vapour rub. If nothing else it’ll serve as an easy way to locate Sleb Safari in a building; simply follow the lingering scent of eucalyptus globulus and hey presto.
Sleb Safari emerged from quarantine to the news that everyone in Hollywood wants Oprah to run for president after her glorious speech at the Golden Globes.
If Oprah does declare an interest in entering the 2020 presidential race she’ll be among a rarefied but sizeable group of celebrities intent on replacing Donald Trump.
At this point it’s easier to say who isn’t thinking about running.
Out: Barack Obama
In: Everybody else.
TBF the job description doesn’t discriminate.
Essential – very stable genius
Desirable – political experience
Oprah’s biggest celebrity rival is The Rock. If these two go head-to-head it’ll be the clash of the Titans. It’ll be mesmerising. Cross your fingers. Now let’s compare the candidates.
The Rock stands six foot four in his sock soles. He’s all about gratitude and hard work and protein. This is a man who doesn’t know what a snooze button is for. He’s a popular bloke too and could have his pick of running partners. Sleb Safari is going to select one for him and put all five feet four inches of Kevin Hart in The Rock’s corner. No idea how any camera operator is going to get both in shot simultaneously but Kevin could stand on a chair, where appropriate, or perch on The Rock’s shoulder like a wisecracking parrot.
The Rock has links to the Republican party but most recently suggested he’d stand as an independent. He told USA Today his reason for entering the race would be “to serve the people and create a better environment for them”. How very worthy.
Step forward Oprah Winfrey. She’s a powerhouse known the world over too. A much loved and respected businesswoman, talk show host, actress and philanthropist, she’d run for the Democrats.
Her long-term partner Stedman Graham has the perfect first name for a future first partner but Gayle is going to have to be her running mate. And if Gayle really really can’t handle the scrutiny and the long hours on the campaign bus then Michelle Obama needs to put down the trowel, step out of the vegetable plot and up to the plate.
Oprah v The Rock. It’ll be a political fight to the death between two gladiators of the entertainment world. Donald Trump must be quaking in his boots.
White creme eggs? Genius
SUSPEND your annoyance that Easter eggs are already on sale in shops and for just one moment take time to appreciate the fact that Cadbury is making white Creme Eggs.
Better yet, finding one could leave you £2,000 better off. The eggs are surprises, wrapped in the same packaging as milk chocolate Creme Eggs.
Some 370 of them will be on sale between now and Easter Sunday and one is worth £2,000, 34 are worth £1,000 and the rest will net you £100.
It’s all a bit Charlie and the Chocolate Factory and Sleb Safari loves it.
Justin Timberlake is going back to his roots
DON’T you love it when music stars pivot? Justin Timberlake has pivoted with the release of a teaser video for his album Man of the Woods.
There’s a strong country influence to the 60-second clip. He stands chest deep in a river, horses gallop; he wanders through a bleak landscape wearing a blanket, bonfires blaze; he wears a jacket with tassels, his wife wears a cowboy hat. All the ingredients are there.
Do you remember when Madonna pivoted to country? That was fun. Sleb Safari liked Cowboy Madonna.
Sleb Safari looks forward to Justin Timberlake working his way through all of Madonna’s other personas. He could start with Marilyn Monroe Justin, followed by Evita Justin, Kabbalah Justin, Karl Lagerfeld Justin and kissing Britney Justin.
Handily enough he’s already embodied the last persona so that’s another one he can tick off the list. Good luck Justin!
Gwyneth Paltrow is engaged
GWYNETH Paltrow, a woman who will not rest until she has each and every one of us hooked up to a coffee enema or staring bug eyed at jade eggs, has announced her engagement. Hooray for her!
Gwyneth is getting hitched to television producer Brad Falchuk and the statement they released confirming their intention to wed was very, very on message. You know G; she never has a great date when she can have a cosmic encounter instead.
She and Chris Martin didn’t separate, they consciously uncoupled. And now she isn’t only getting married she’s embracing “the soul-stretching, pattern-breaking opportunities” of intimacy.
Gywneth, Brad, you crazy kids. Best of luck for the future!
Social Media Smut
GOLDEN Globes best dressed was Tracee Ellis Ross for a glorious dress and turban by Marc Jacobs