Sleb Safari: Chrissy Teigen and John Legend's new year's flight to Tokyo goes pear shaped
HELLO and happy new year. We've done it! We’re in 2018. It’s a brand spanking new year which means a new you, a new body, new friends, new love, new home, new job… or it might be that Sleb Safari read too many magazines over Christmas.
Either way, Sleb Safari isn't a great one for new year’s resolutions. January is plenty dank without having to endure other people telling you about their detox and 6am boot camps. Read Sleb Safari’s lips: No-one cares.
Two people whose new year escapades have interested Sleb Safari are Chrissy Teigen and John Legend. They were on an 11-hour flight from LA to Tokyo that turned around four hours in because a passenger had boarded the plane in error. He had been due to fly to Tokyo. Just not on particular aircraft.
Chrissy is a hoot on twitter at the best of times and she live tweeted the whole debacle.
Sleb Safari has a confession to make. It once got on the wrong plane. Any time Sleb Safari tells this story people are incredulous but if you follow these steps carefully you too can get on the wrong flight.
One: Call a chatty family member from Heathrow where you’re due to catch a flight to Sydney.
Two: Chat animately to that person as you consult the departures board.
Three: Find a flight to Sydney leaving at the time your flight is supposed to but under no circumstances check whether it is your airline.
Four: Go to the departure gate and join the queue. Continue your phone call as you move up the queue and do not end it until there are only a handful of people in front.
Five: Hand your ticket to the harried member of staff who will insert it into a beeping machine. Smile, thank the harried member of staff and accept the ticket stub thrust at you.
Six: Saunter on to the aircraft and look for your seat.
Seven: Explain to the lady in your seat that she must have made a mistake as she is blatantly sitting in your seat. Show her your ticket stub to move things along.
Eight: Share her bafflement at the fact her ticket stub shows the exact same seat number and call the air steward over to marvel at how wrong the airline got this.
Nine: Accept that yes, you are standing on a Virgin plane but hold a ticket for a Cathay Pacific flight to Sydney departing at the exact same time. Accept that you are on the wrong plane and the other passenger is not in your seat, but in her seat.
From here on in you won’t have much to do except apologise and trot after an even more harried member of staff who’ll have to rifle through a cardboard box underneath the beeping machine to find the other part of your ticket, then escort you to the correct departure gate where they’ll explain that you managed to board their aircraft without a ticket and could someone please take this passenger off their hands. Now.
Quicker than someone can mutter “Security breach. Management are going to be bummed” (this was 2002) you’ll be sitting in your actual seat, knowing that you and your luggage are on the same aircraft, looking forward to watching at least four films before you reach your destination and thinking about the fun story you have to tell family and friends.
Of course, since it’s now 2018, you can rest assured that someone will have filmed the entire thing and there’ll be a hashtag about the idiot who got on the wrong plane before you’ve even had time to WhatsApp anyone with your version of events.
Happy new year y’all! Here’s a new year’s resolution for you – always read tickets and notice boards carefully!
Lewis Hamilton takes issue with his nephew's dress
This week’s panto villain is Formula One driver Lewis Hamilton who was stupid enough to post a video on Instagram where he questioned his young nephew’s choice of clothing.
The child was wearing a dress and waving a wand on Christmas morning and Lewis Hamilton didn’t react well, or appropriately, telling the child “Why did you ask for a princess dress for Christmas? Boys don't wear princess dresses."
The backlash was swift and Hamilton deleted the post and issued an apology.
“I was playing around with my nephew and realised that my words were inappropriate so I removed the post,” he said.
“I meant no harm and did not mean to offend anyone at all. I love that my nephew feels free to express himself as we all should.
“My deepest apologies for my behaviour as I realise it is really not acceptable for anyone, no matter where you are from, to marginalise or stereotype anyone.
“I have always been in support of anyone living their life exactly how they wish and I hope I can be forgiven for this lapse in judgement.”
He was right to apologise. If the child wants to wear a dress, let him.
Paris Hilton extends her beauty range
Three cheers for Paris Hilton, hotel heiress, DJ, former friend of Nicole Richie and several Kardashians and owner of a room dedicated exclusively to outfits she wears to music festivals.
Sleb Safari is fist pumping for Paris because she has yet again displayed the kind of business acumen that Alan Sugar wishes he could find in an Apprentice candidate.
Paris has launched a new beauty product, a skin hydrator priced at $29 which is called Unicorn Mist.
Sleb Safari has it on good authority that $29 is a stonking price because it is really difficult to encourage unicorns to part with their mist.
Paris, Sleb Safari doffs its hat because you, lady, are a genius.
Social Media Smut
Ryan Phillippe on Instagram, embarrassing himself: