GO BIG or go home has always been the goop Christmas gift guide motto and Gwyneth Paltrow and her crew have outdone themselves this year.
Goop has combed the planet to find the chicest, quirkiest and most costly items that you have absolutely no use for in your life.
And so, with that in mind, allow Sleb Safari to present goop’s 12 gift guides of Christmas.
Today’s lesson begins with the Host Gift Guide and its message: “Never showing up empty-handed is one thing; showing up with a tin of sustainable caviar, a wine decanter that moonlights as a piece of art, or stress-melting bath oil in hand, means a return invitation is guaranteed.”
The day someone turns up at Sleb Safari’s house with a tin of sustainable caviar in their hand is the day someone has gone to the wrong door.
Goop proposes that you spend $425 on a set of three cheese knives or sign your host up for a blueberry subscription. That’s right, for $500 a year a farmer in north east Maine will send you a punnet of blueberries every month.
They’d go well with both the sustainable caviar and the camel milk home delivery service which can be found in the “health nut” gift guide alongside a water bottle with a crystal inside to infuse your H2O with “positive energy”; a wine purifier which will take all the badness away and leave behind all the vitamins and minerals found naturally in grapes which are essential for a balanced diet (Disclaimer: Sleb Safari made up everything after ‘wine purifier’); and a scream-yoga retreat in the Dominican Republic with someone called Taryn Toomey, price upon request.
Among the personalised gifts are a pinky ring which, if we were all brutally honest, is exactly what we hope to receive this Christmas.
Wait, scrap that, Sleb Safari has found a spirit animal ring for $2,400. Go on, get a cockatoo stamped on a ring and wear it with pride.
For the weary traveller goop recommends a $220 cashmere eye mask and slippers, while for the lucky man in your life who’s already potentially enjoying organic porridge made with camel milk and hand-raked Maine blueberries there’s a $9,200 Rolex and a $500 dartboard.
Happily, Gwyneth’s goop crew have not forgotten that our pets celebrate the birth of baby Jesus too and there’s an entire list dedicated to our furry friends. Behold the great white shark cat bed ($89), a cable knit sweater for a dog and something called an infinity scarf which is $20 and comes in fire engine red. Quite.
Among the “stocking stuffers” are a marble iPhone case costing $90 which surely weighs a significant amount more than a plastic one from the stand in Castle Court? There’s also a $10 scoop that crocodile clips on to the side of your coffee bag and some questionable hot cacao infused with mushrooms. The less said about that the better.
As always the best gift list is the tongue-in-cheek ridiculous but awesome guide. Why not surprise the person who thinks they have everything with a yellow submarine (price on request) or a private island in Belize?
There’s a motorcycle and side-car for the in-laws and a floatation tank for the friend who’s having a really stressful time in work. Honestly, goop has thought of everything.
It would reportedly cost $6 million to buy everything on the goop Christmas gift guides so if that seems like a stretch in these straitened times why not invest in the $8 dental floss goop recommends?
It’s so minty fresh, strong and flexible that it “transforms a chore into a pleasure” which sounds like the best gift you could ever be given. Go on, treat yo’self.
Sad news from the world of reality TV relationships
AND so to the royal engagement and the millions of words already written about the love story of actress Meghan Markle and former soldier Prince Harry.
OK! Magazine got its money’s worth out of last week’s engagement but has also scooped Sleb Safari’s inaugural Story Built On The Most Tenuous Of Links Award.
Credit where credit’s due because OK! managed to link the break-up of two reality TV participants to the royal nuptials by dint of the couple’s names.
“Megan McKenna's heartache as she splits from Harry Eden on same day Meghan McKenna and Prince Harry announce engagement,” the headline read.
Further investigation turned up the information that the childhood sweethearts had reunited after Pete Wicks accused Megan (no ‘h’) of cheating but the pair couldn’t make the relationship work.
Honestly, you’re at no disadvantage whatsoever if you don’t know who the protagonists are; you simply have to admire the ingenuity of the editorial staff at OK! who were determined to benefit from all the people mistakenly typing ‘Harry and Megan’ into Google last Monday.
High five Harry Styles
HARRY Styles has soared like a bird in Sleb Safari’s estimation after his bold statement on the person who has influenced him musically and sartorially.
Harry, former member of boyband One Direction and now a successful solo artist, was in Shanghai to perform at the Victoria’s Secret fashion show when he was asked who inspired him.
Keith Richards? Nope. Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen? Nope. His guru is Shania Twain. Well, that does impress Sleb Safari greatly.
“I think both music and fashion, [my] main influence was probably Shania Twain,” he told Entertainment Tonight. “Yeah, I think she’s amazing.”
When you think about it, he is fond of animal print. And a silk bomber jacket.
High five Harry Styles for being cool enough not to care if you’re cool. Sleb Safari doffs its hat to you.
