YOUR mum’s favourite off the telly – no, not Bradley Walsh, we’re talking about Shane Richie – has a new album out that’s sure to fly off the shelves in Tesco.
It’s American country with “a tip of the hat to Irish country”. Sleb Safari is thinking Johnny Cash crossed with Big Tom. Or Faith Hill singing Philomena Begley. Either way it’s got easy listening smash hit written all over it.
You’re picturing Shane/Alfie Moon now, aren’t you? Big smile, cheeky quips… but if you want to rile him you just need to mention other cheeky chappies off the telly who have albums out, like Jason Manford, Nick Knowles or Bradley Walsh.
“That lot, they do it for a hobby, but I do this for a f**king living,” Shane told The Guardian.
“When I wasn’t working on EastEnders, I’d go and play with my band. I’d play festivals. I’d get changed in car parks.” What a mental image. Is it possible to bleach your mind?
“I don’t know Nick [Knowles] very well, but he’s a chippie who sings. I do this to make a living. When I wasn’t on EastEnders and there wasn’t much in the way of work, I’d put in a three-week tour and we’d go and play for cash. It’s horrible being tied in with Nick Knowles and Jason Manford.”
Bit harsh Shane. Nicholas Simon Augustine Knowles is more than a chippie. He’s a presenter, novelist, author of a cookbook, quiz master, dad, guitar player and singer.
Quick, someone take Shane’s mind off it, ask him about the time he went to Nando’s in Belfast and used his Black Card ie: free Nando’s for a year card, for the first and last time.
“I was filming in Belfast with Kevin Bishop and John Sessions. I said: ‘I think we can get a freebie at Nando’s.’ John got such a giggle out of not paying for a Nando’s.
“He said: ‘I can’t believe it, Richie: we’re having as much chicken as we want and we’re not paying for it!’”
That better end up in a song Shane. If not it’s a massive wasted opportunity. Kevin Bishop is probably chewing on the end of a pencil right this very minute trying to come up something that rhymes with Nando’s.
And while Shane’s distracted let’s get him to explain that appearance on The One Show with the super fan who has his face plastered all over her car.
“That was a backlash to her splitting up with her husband, who ran off with his stepson’s girlfriend,” is how Shane prefaces the story.
“Her husband was really anti her fixation with Alfie Moon, so when he f***ed off, she embraced her fantasy. I felt for her, she’s lovely. They surprised me on The One Show; they brought her down, but they had security hidden in the crowd in case she ran at me.”
Between Nando’s and Mandy there’s a second album just waiting to happen.
Gordon Ramsay investigates cocaine use in the restaurant industry
AND so to the kitchen of celebrity chef and professional swearer Gordon Ramsay who’s been making a TV programme about cocaine use in the restaurant industry.
In it Gordon recounts one story about a charity dinner he cooked at where he was asked to sprinkle the dessert with cocaine to keep things ticking over.
“When dessert arrived the couple came to me and said, ‘Look, everyone on the table is happy you’re here, but can you make a soufflé like never before and combine icing sugar with coke and dust it?’
“I laughed it off but there was no way I was going to go anywhere near that. I dusted the sugar on top of the soufflé and caramelised it purposely so they had no idea whether it was on or off. I set the soufflé down. Didn’t even say goodbye. I just left out the back door.”
Sleb Safari likes a fancy dessert as much as the next person but pouring a can of Coke all over a lovely souflé is sacrilege. Wait, what?
Diet avocados are a thing
WE'VE reached peak avocado on toast. How can Sleb Safari be so sure? Step forward the diet avocado.
According to the website Grub Street, the Avocado Light is made by Eurobanan’s Isla Bonita brand and "is described as having a 'mild' flavor and 'juicier' pulp, and also ripening fast yet oxidizing – ie turning that disgusting shade of gray – much more slowly”.
One thing the world could do without is diet fruit. Is anyone clamouring for a low fat banana? Have you ever wished coconuts had a semi-skimmed version? Exactly.
Competition Winner
The winner of the Titanic gift set was Siobhan Cochrane from Dunloy. Enjoy!
Social Media Smut
5 years ago, I was shot in an attempt to stop me from speaking out for girls' education. Today, I attend my first lectures at Oxford. pic.twitter.com/sXGnpU1KWQ
— Malala (@Malala) October 9, 2017
