Sleb Safari: Steven Seagal 'risked his life countless times for the American flag'
SLEB Safari doesn’t know about you but it has been worried sick these past few days, stressing about the ovarian health of Saudi Arabian women now that they’re allowed to drive cars.
All that jigging about in the car, not to mention the absence of a male supervisor, is going to wreck havoc on their reproductive health. Havoc.
Thank goodness then in such times of anxiety and uncertainty to have an icon like Steven Seagal step forward and put everyone right on, well, on everything.
Steven was interviewed on Good Morning Britain, live and direct from Moscow, because… because… there is no because. All Sleb Safari can offer you is the name Piers Morgan.
Sorry, what was that question from the back? Who or what is a Steven Seagal? That’s an excellent question and for the answer we must turn to stevenseagal.com.
“Steven Seagal is a versatile talent and an intricate human being whose passion, selflessness, integrity and character are embodied in his work. To those that know Steve, they will tell you he is a deeply caring, giving and humble individual.”
For them what does not know Steve, Sleb Safari offers you this precis: he’s a martial artist and star of umpteen action, and some straight-to-video, films as well as the face of soft drink Mountain Dew circa 2009.
He subscribes to the black shoe polish on your head look; is a Buddhist who merely indulges in faux violence for the camera and is a newly minted Russian national. As a result of this Kremlim endorsement he is banned from entering Ukraine for five years.
Steven was pressed by his Good Morning Britain interrogators on international relations, Russia’s relationship with Donald Trump, Trump’s presidency (“he gets blocked often from the enemies within”) and on the peaceful protest of American footballers who have taken the knee before games (“disgusting”) and true to form he had something to say about everything.
Explaining his bromance with Vladimir Putin, Steven said he was “one of the great world leaders, he’s brilliant, he’s articulate, he’s a great tactician”.
“Him and I started out becoming friends over the martial arts. We don’t have a political relationship. We really talk about the martial arts and philosophy and people and dilemmas in life, that kind of thing.”
i feel like people are sleeping on the best moment from Steven Seagal's interview this morning pic.twitter.com/BDI712Bd1q— Matt Binder (@MattBinder) September 27, 2017
Steven dropped a bombshell in the middle of his discourse about the “outrageous” behaviour of NFL players who have taken the knee to protest at the treatment of African Americans by police.
“I respect the American flag,” Steven began. “I myself have risked my life countless times for the American flag…”
Risked your life Steven? Do tell. Unfortunately neither Piers nor Susanna probed so we must remain in the dark until the Kremlin, or Trump, decide to furnish the world with details of Steven’s patriotic heroics.
The interview finished with the sycophantic Piers cooing “A great pleasure and honour to have a movie star of your stature live on Good Morning Britain. We appreciate it very much.”
Vladimir? Could you fast track the papers and have Piers in-country by Halloween? Please?
Kate Winslet blows Leo DiCaprio's cool cover
ROSE and Jack news with Kate Winslet confirming what we all suspected, she and and Leonardo DiCaprio quote lines from Titanic to each other.
“I’m not going to tell you what we actually talk about, but yeah, we’re very, very close and sometimes we do quote the odd Titanic line back and forth to each other, because only we can, and we find it really funny,” was what Kate told Glamour magazine.
Fingers crossed that in the next instalment of Kate Talks Titanic she lets slip that My Heart Goes On is their go-to karaoke duet.
Jared Leto and his Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat
Well, well, well, what do we have here? Why it’s Jared Leto dressed like he’s auditioning for the part of Joseph in Joseph and his Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat.
According to the caption on this retinal energising Instagram post Jared is wearing a whole lotta Gucci to perform with his band at a music festival in Las Vegas.
Fingers crossed he gets the part but if he doesn’t there’s always plan b – auditioning for Jesus Christ Superstar.
The winner of afternoon tea for two at Titanic Hotel Belfast is Patricia O'Hare from Newry. Congratulations and enjoy yourself.