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Sleb Safari: Celebrity Big Brother is back and the house is full of celebrities and wannabe celebrities

Maeve Connoly

Maeve Connolly

Maeve is the deputy digital editor at The Irish News. She has worked for the company since 2000.

Celebrity Big Brother's Derek Acorah, Marissa Jade, Sandi Bogle and Paul Danan
Celebrity Big Brother's Derek Acorah, Marissa Jade, Sandi Bogle and Paul Danan Celebrity Big Brother's Derek Acorah, Marissa Jade, Sandi Bogle and Paul Danan

SAY what you will about Celebrity Big Brother but if governments are debating alternatives to current incarceration arrangements they really shouldn’t look past this particular reality TV show format.

Celebrity Big Brother (CBB) 2017 kicked off last week and having subjected itself to the first episode for research purposes, Sleb Safari thinks a month in prison would be more appealing than a stint in the CBB house.

Between Derek Acorah’s glow-in-the-dark teeth and the hyperactive reality TV boys Jordan and Sam, it’s a miracle anyone is getting a wink of sleep in that mad house.

The inmates/contestants are, as always, a mixed bag.

Spiritualist Derek is sharing a bed with former Apprentice contestant Karthik Nagesan who was positively frothing with excitement at the prospect of being induced into the world of spirit botherers.

Derek gently dissuaded him of the notion that you could simply summon spirits willy nilly.

In his calm, reassuring, look into my eyes not around my eyes voice Derek told Karthik that “no-one can conjure them up”, not even a self-proclaimed next billion dollar unicorn.

And yet, 24 hours later, he summoned Joseph during the housemates’ talent contest.

But what of Derek’s spirit guide Sam? He’s in the house too but keeping a low profile.

And had you forgotten about Dangerous Paul Danan because Sleb Safari had. Realising he had slipped Sleb Safari’s mind was nearly as much of a shock as seeing him reappear. What a pity our hero had mistaken fence paint for fake tan while prepping for the show.

Dangerous Danan has a history of getting into scrapes on live telly so it’s only a matter of time before security kick their way through one of the stud walls to break up a fight.

Paul endeared himself to absolutely no-one when one of the hyperactive twins who refer to themselves collectively as Jam asked whether he was single.

After a pregnant pause our chivalrous hero answered “I’m with the mother of my child”. The mother of that child must be sleeping like a baby.

Sarah Harding from Girls Aloud is in there too. Watching her putting on eyeliner is a spectacle. She starts just shy of her ear and draws the pencil across her top eyelid towards the side of her nose then loops back under her bottom eyelid. If she’s not careful she’s going to get confused for Karthik.

Sandi ‘You get me babes’ Bogle is in the house after giving up her seat on the Gogglebox sofa and she’s going to be a champion.

The most unpalatable contestant is Chad. He’s an arrogant so and so who should be left outside in the rain to do hard labour until he cools down. If anyone deserved to eat dry Weetabix it was him.

His fellow American is Mob Wives’ Marissa Jade. Have you ever watched Mob Wives? It is terrifying.

On the first night in the house Marissa told people she was a relaxed type but that if anyone got into her personal space she would defend herself.

Most people, as a rule of thumb, avoid further contact with someone who issues a threat by way of introduction. Unfortunately for Barry from EastEnders he nominated Marissa for eviction.

We have four weeks of Celebrity Big Brother stretching ahead of us and Sleb Safari can’t promise that it’ll make it through a second episode. But you know what, you can send home the cleaner because Sandi Bogle is going to mop the floor with all the other contestants. It's just a pity her Gogglebox sofa mate Sandra isn't in the house with her.

Celine Dion is extra

SLEB Safari has come to the conclusion that Celine Dion is everything. If you’ve been watching her sashay around Europe this summer then you’ll know what Sleb Safari is talking about.

Everywhere is a catwalk for Celine. Everything she wears becomes couture, even her yoga pants.

Look at her here, posing in front a private jet. You’re not looking at the jet though are you?

Celine poses with trees, she poses with the top half of her body poking out of the sunroof of a car and she gets away with it because Celine.

Have you seen her photoshoot for Vogue? The magazine Instagrammed six short videos and each is a mini drama. Her Marie Antoinette is something else.

When Celine commits she gives everything, her heart, her soul, every muscle in her face...

Watch the videos and you’ll understand why Drake says he’s a year away from getting a Celine Dion tattoo. Celine Dion has become cool. For reals.

Boy George and happiness

AND so to the new, mellow Boy George and his advice on finding happiness in doing buttock clenches.

“I talk a lot with my closest friends about happiness,” he told The Times.

“I try to find happiness in almost anything. Going to Starbucks, watching videos about new exercises, like ones you can do on a flight when you clench your buttocks.”

That sounds like an exercise for the mind and the body. Bravo George!

Since he’s so wise Sleb Safari shall give George the last word: “Finding happiness instead of misery at any given moment is not always easy, but I do think it’s the key to survival.”

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