Life

Ask Fiona: My sister's success makes me feel like a failure

Sometimes people need to have very personal discussions about death and funeral arrangements
Sometimes people need to have very personal discussions about death and funeral arrangements Sometimes people need to have very personal discussions about death and funeral arrangements

I WISH I could be more like my sister who is prettier and much cleverer than me.

I've always been the one who's lagged behind; I'm two years younger and she's done so much more with her life.

She has a great job and a wonderful fiance and she's full of plans about what she wants for the future.

I don't resent her because she's too kind and loving for anyone to dislike her, but I do feel a failure when I compare my life with hers.

I've not kept a boyfriend for longer than six months and while I have no trouble making new friends, I can't seem to hold on to them like she does.

I'm 25 now, so you'd have thought I'd have got my life sorted.

SP

FIONA SAYS: You seem to believe your sister has a perfect life but I'm sure, if you talked to her, you'd find that just like most of us she, too, has her worries, fears and problems.

Your biggest problem is your low self-image and you see the differences between you and your sister as your failures.

They aren't really failures – you are simply separate people with different lives and there are loads of people of 25 who don't have wonderful jobs, fiances and plans for their futures.

That doesn't make them miserable or unhappy, it just makes their lives different.

If you keep dwelling on all the ways you see yourself as a failure, it's no wonder friends and boyfriends lose interest. There is only so much negativity anyone can take.

So, stop all this comparison and try to think well of yourself. Look at all the good things about you. In fact, ask your sister, you might be surprised.

You might like to look at the Mind website (www.mind.org.uk), specifically the section on how to improve your self-esteem.

INTERFERING PARENTS CAUSED OUR BREAK-UP

My boyfriend and I were together for three years and were very happy. When we announced we wanted to get married, our parents stepped in and the whole thing became a nightmare.

They argued about whether it should be a church wedding, who should pay for everything and even what I should wear on the day. It got so nasty, his parents eventually told him to stop seeing me and we split up just over a month ago, but I miss him so much.

In the end, I think we were both too nervous to decide anything for ourselves, but it's so unfair.

MK

FIONA SAYS: I wonder if you were both quite as ready for commitment as you think.

You were both too nervous to stand up to your respective parents and decide for yourselves what you wanted.

You allowed your parents to dictate the wedding plans when really you should have been making these decisions yourself.

And you split up because his parents told you to.

This all indicates to me that perhaps one or both of you had major doubts, or felt unready for the pressures of getting married.

Splitting up is painful, especially when it's your first real love, and you won't get over this easily – certainly not in a month.

Give yourself time and, if your relationship is meant to be, I'm sure the two of you will get back together.

Make sure, though, that you are both strong enough to stand up for what you want and not what is expected of you.

If, however, you don't get back together, then at least try to learn from what has happened so you'll be better equipped to stop it happening again to future relationships.

I FELL OUT WITH MY NIECE OVER FUNERAL TALK

I've always been very close to my niece and she is my next of kin.

When she and her husband visited last week, we somehow got around to talking about death.

I was deeply shocked when, out of the blue, they asked me what sort of funeral I wanted.

I was so upset that I accused them of wanting to get rid of me and they left quickly after that.

We haven't spoken since as what they said really hurt me. I am only 67 and have no intention of dying any time soon.

AM

FIONA SAYS: Are you, perhaps overreacting a bit here?

If you had been talking about death then talking about a funeral is not 'out of the blue' but, perhaps, a logical next step in the conversation.

Further, as your niece is your next of kin, she might merely have wanted to make sure that when your time comes (as it does for all of us) you are buried in accordance with your wishes.

They might have said this a bit tactlessly, but people have different attitudes to death and I'm sure they didn't intend any offence.

You have been hurt by what they said but they might have felt hurt by your reaction if they thought all they were doing was trying to ensure they fulfilled your wishes.

If this isn't something you want to discuss then make sure you include the details of what you want with your will and tell your niece what you've done.

I suggest you give her a call.

Tell her that you were a bit taken aback by her question but it has made you think about it.

Explain that you've now lodged your wishes with your solicitor (or whoever holds your will) and that you hope to see her again soon.