Sleb Safari: St Patrick - the superhero movie
SLEB Safari had an epiphany on St Patrick’s Day. Thankfully it was not one that required Sleb Safari to give up all its worldly possessions and do good deeds. Instead, Sleb Safari was struck by the realisation that St Patrick needs, nay deserves, to have a superhero film made about him.
The man’s a legend. He was captured by pirates, lived on the side of Slemish mountain, drove all the snakes out of Ireland and escaped from servitude by stowing away on a boat.
Why are Marvel Comics not all over this?
And there’s more. St Patrick spoke French (or maybe Welsh) and English, or at least Ballymena. He zipped around Ireland like a boss and explained complex mind blowing concepts using a tiny plant. He even visited Downpatrick.
Come on, what else does a man have to do to get a film made about him?
In terms of his appearance Sleb Safari invites you to picture him thus – Games of Thrones meets Gaston, all rippling chest hair and a fur stole. Up close you wouldn’t be able to tell where the man stopped and the fur stole began.
Sleb Safari is open to casting suggestions. An ingenu would be interesting. But so too would Brendan Gleeson, or Adrian Dunbar. And Liam Neeson would have no problem with the Slemish scenes.
Initially Patrick would need a love interest in the film. A fiery red head would work. Either Christina Hendricks or Kristofer Hivju. Eventually the love affair would end because the fiery red head would get tired of his snake bothering ways and, with a broken heart, Patrick would forsake all others and dedicate himself to God.
We could probably could and should squeeze Cuchulainn into the film too. The cattle raid of Cooley would be an interesting plot twist and Queen Maeve of Connacht will kick male superhero butt on the big screen. Sleb Safari shall cast Ruth Negga in the role.
Fionn Mac Cumhaill will be on the superhero crew too. Nothing says superhero more than a man who tears a clod of earth from the ground and throws it for miles, leaving behind a lough.
Giant’s Causeway will be front and centre but we’ll leave the Dark Hedges out of it so as not to increase its visitor numbers. The way things are going we’ll be lucky if there’s a tree left on that road in a few years.
The final members of the Irish superhero crew are the Children of Lir who’ll have the ability to turn from human to swan and back again in the blink of an eye. Take that Spider Man.
If the people at Marvel would like a consultation on this franchise proposal simply send a private jet for Sleb Safari and it shall make itself available.
How ya like Anne Hathaway now?
Anne Hathaway is gracing the cover of Elle magazine this month and below her photograph is the curious headline: How ya like me now?
Well Anne, Sleb Safari isn’t sure how to answer that. It doesn’t think it likes ya any more or any more less than it already did.
Have ya changed something? Said something about yaself? Ya look the way you always do and Sleb Safari doesn’t think ya have a new film out.
However, if Sleb Safari has missed something important that ya did it can only apologise and promise to pay more attention in future.
John Bishop muses on fame
Sleb Safari read an interesting interview with John Bishop in The Times recently. John, the Liverpool comedian who likes to take on gruelling challenges to raise money for Sports Relief, was talking about fame and the long road to get there.
“I think sometimes people just think you come from some land called Celebrity, you get dropped in, get washed up, get your teeth whitened, get a tan, and then that’s you. There’s more to it.”
Are you sure John because that’s kinda the way things worked for Peter Andre.
Sleb Safari doesn’t want to kick you in your very professionally whitened teeth but plenty of people wash up on the shores of Fame after ‘starring’ in a reality TV show that asked nothing more of them than to have a tan and good teeth.
Sleb Safari’s thinking Bobby Norris from The Only Way is Essex. Joey Essex from the same. And pretty much everyone from that show. Reem, right?
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