Sleb Safari: Brad Pitt 'too busy sculpting' to attend Oscars
WHAT do you do in the middle of a messy break-up? Spend half your salary on takeaways from Just Eat? Cry big fat tears over those old holiday snaps, even that terrible break in Belgium, or most cruelly of all, unfriend your soon-to-be ex on Facebook?
If you’re Brad Pitt the answer, allegedly, is to take an entirely different approach.
'Sources' have claimed that the Moneyball star has ‘reached out’ to ex-wife Jennifer Aniston amid his divorce with Angelia Jolie. Us Weekly reported that Pitt has confided his woes to Aniston.
“Brad told her he’s having a hard time with his split and they exchanged a few texts reminiscing about the past,” a source claimed.
Alternative sources have alleged he texted Aniston to wish her happy 48th birthday after 'tracking down' her phone number from a 'tangled web of contacts'.
Sleb Safari is tickled by the thought of celebrity writers scrambling to make finding a phone number sound exciting while also trying to get a new angle on Hollywood's possibly least eventful divorce. They already have more than enough on Jolie, who's spent her time visiting Cambodia, where her oldest son Maddox is from, and promoting her new film.
But, someone must have wondered, what has Pitt actually been up to?
When he's not allegedly texting Aniston (and who wouldn't want to be in frequent contact with a partner you divorced 12 years ago?) Pitt has apparently been stretching his creative muscles.
The actor and producer skipped this year's Oscars, where Moonlight, a film produced by his company Plan B, won the award for best picture, because he was reportedly 'too busy sculpting'.
Rather than watch the lengthy, and as it turned out botched, ceremony with a bucket of popcorn in one hand and a bottle of spirits in the other, sources claimed Pitt was creating a sculpture at British artist Thomas Houseago's studio in Los Angeles.
As a committed art lover, Sleb Safari can tell you that Houseago specialises in huge, and frankly disturbing, figures sculpted from clay. He's also created a massive bronze sculpture of a spoon, handily entitled 'Big Spoon'.
We can only hope that Pitt was working on something similar and that he has enough clay or bronze to complete his master work.
If this year's Oscars have shown us anything, it's that faffing around on your phone when you should be checking the correct best picture envelope can only lead to disaster – or at least cause great embarrassment to Warren Beatty and Faye Dunaway.
Sleb Safari implores Pitt to put down his mobile, delete Aniston's number, and get back to fashioning a lump of clay into something that, if you squint, looks a bit like a big face.
Thong Song Gone Wrong
NINETIES news now and it’s come to Sleb Safari’s attention that diminutive US singer Sisqó is still a ‘thing’ in some quarters.
The platinum blond one, who wrote that tasteful ode to ladies’ undercrackers, ‘The Thong Song’, has been living it up during Fashion Week in New York.
Spotted on the front row of shows by Kanye West, Philipp Plein and Vivienne Tam, it seems once an R&B star, always an R&B star.
Or it would, had the real Sisqó not pointed out that the man pictured at these shows wasn’t actually him.
The singer eloquently highlighted the mistake by writing “Datz not me” on Instagram.
Sadly the fake Sisqó, who goes by the much less exotic name of Gavin Barnes, insisted he wasn’t pretending to be the musician.
“I never said I was Sisqó. People thought I was him, and that wasn’t cool,” he told a US newspaper.
Not cool? Sleb Safari challenges Gavin to familiarise himself with the video to The Thong Song in which Sisqo wears white leather gloves with... wait for it... only one finger, interrupts a women’s volleyball ‘tournament’ to sing the praises of skimpy smalls and performs gravity-defying moves, clearly without the help of any wires whatsoever, on a Miami beach. Can you do that Gavin, can you?
AS WINTER comes to an end and the first flowers of spring begin to emerge our thoughts inevitably turn to one thing – what tattoo can I get this year? Thankfully help is at hand in the form of reality TV ‘celebrity couple’ Charlotte Crosby and Stephen Bear. Their new MTV show Just the Tattoo of Us (see what they did there?) has couples choose a tattoo for their partner then, and here’s the exciting bit, actually apply the permanent design without a) telling their partner what it is and b) extensive training. According to reports, Bear has already tattooed Crosby with a ‘half-bear, half-cheetah face’ on her lower back. Sleb Safari will leave this terrifying image with you.
THE winners of last week's competition and the proud owners of Caroline Doherty de Novoa's new novel The Belfast Girl are:
Anne-Marie Mulholland, from Lurgan; Kay Carew, from Belfast; Frances Hughes, from Dungannon; Pauline McCurdy from Belfast; and Kevin Maguire from Trillick.
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Michael J Fox and Seth Rogen at the Oscars with the DeLorean from Back to the Future