Sleb Safari: Love Actually 2 - the alternative plot
JOYOUS, joyous news as the cast of Love Actually reunite to film a short sequel to the world’s best Christmas film. Genuinely, you can keep your Wonderful Lifes and bin your Elfs because Christmas isn’t Christmas until Sleb Safari has sat and watched Love Actually.
Honestly, its heart still breaks for Emma Thompson’s character Karen whose husband, played by the dearly departed Alan Rickman, cheats on her, causing her to utter the very beautiful lines: "Imagine your husband bought a gold necklace, and come Christmas gave it to somebody else... Would you wait around to find out if it's just a necklace, or if it's sex and a necklace, or if, worst of all, it's a necklace and love?"
And when he says he’s been a "classic fool" she replies: "Yes, but you've also made a fool out of me, and you've made the life I lead foolish, too."
Damn you Richard Curtis for your eloquence.
So on the one hand Sleb Safari is delighted that the cast are re-uniting for a mini-sequel in aid of Red Nose Day because it absolutely wants to know what has happened to everyone but on the other hand it's worried in case it doesn't like what Richard Curtis has decided happens to them.
In Sleb Safari’s version of Love Actually 2 Jamie is finally fluent in Portuguese and no longer saying things like "Beautiful Aurelia, I've come here with a view of asking you to marriage me. I know I seems an insane person – because I hardly knows you – but sometimes things are so transparency, they don't need evidential proof."
Colin is bound to have overstayed his visa and been deported in the post-truth Trump-led USA.
Sarah, lovely, lovely Sarah who was besotted with Karl but gave him up to care for her brother has met someone worthy of her.
Andrew Lincoln’s character has stopped pining for Keira Knightley’s and finally won Kylie's heart. Billy Mack, played by the inimitable Bill Nighy, is living quite happily with his manager, Joe – possibly next door to Kylie and Mark.
And finally Hugh Grant is now prime minister of Canada and in a WhatsApp group with Barack Obama and Theresa May.
Richard Curtis was inspired to revisit the 2003 film after doing the same for Red Nose Day specials of shows such as Blackadder, The Vicar of Dibley and Mr Bean.
"I would never have dreamt of writing a sequel to Love Actually, but I thought it might be fun to do 10 minutes to see what everyone is now up to," he said.
"Who has aged best? I guess that’s the big question… or is it so obviously Liam? We’ve been delighted and grateful that so many of the cast are around and able to take part – and it’ll certainly be a nostalgic moment getting back together and recreating their characters 14 years later.
"We hope to make something that’ll be fun – very much in the spirit of the original film and of Red Nose Day – and which we hope will help bring lots of viewers and cash to the Red Nose Day shows."
Love Actually part deux will be shown as part of Red Nose Day 2017 on Friday March 24 on BBC One and Sleb Safari will not be taking calls, replying to texts, emails, WhatsApps or 999 emergencies during the broadcast. You have been put on notice.
Win Dinner at Wine & Brine
FANCY being wined and dined? The lovely people at Wine & Brine restaurant in Moira are offering you the chance to win dinner for two plus a bottle of house wine.
The multi-award winning restaurant is a Michelin Bib Gourmand establishment and the current Waitrose Good Food Guide's Best Local Restaurant in the UK.
It also won Best Newcomer (Ulster) in the 2016 Irish Restaurant Awards and is also the only Northern Ireland restaurant to be shortlisted for the Cateys, the prestigious awards operated by The Caterer magazine.
Honestly, you had Sleb Safari at Michelin Bib Gourmand.
Dinner will be served by owner chef Chris McGowan, three-time Great British Menu contender and one time Northern Ireland regional finalist who specialises in age-old cooking traditions with innovation and vision.
To be in with a chance to win answer this correctly:
Q Where is Wine & Brine?
Email your answer to email@example.com and mark the entry Sleb Safari/Wine & Brine. Please include your contact details. Closing date is noon on Wednesday February 22.
Terms and conditions:
You must be over 18 years of age to enter.
Prize to be redeemed Tuesday – Friday only.
Deal Or No Deal super fan gets Noel Edmond's face tattooed on to her leg
IF you were considering a tattoo would it ever cross your mind to get Noel Edmonds' face inked on your thigh? Sleb Safari thought not.
And yet a Deal Or No Deal super fan in England decided this was the best Valentine's Day present she could gift herself.
Angie (47) said that with the show coming to and end "I want something that will keep him close to me all the time".
Sleb Safari can think of umpteen ways of keeping Noel close that don't involve inking his face on your skin Angie. What about a nice, signed photograph for your purse? Or a locket with a teeny tiny photo of Noel that you could wear around your neck?
Sleb Safari Smut