HAVE you misplaced an African pygmy hedgehog? Might you have left it at the side of the road in Cardiff?
Was it a survival lesson gone wrong? Did you pull up on the hard shoulder, switch off the engine and turn to the tiny creature in the passenger seat with the words: “Right, out you pop and see if you can find your own way home. It’s only a mile and a half as the crow flies and it won’t be dark for hours.”?
If so the RSPCA would like to speak to you.
The charity said the little mite was shaking when it was discovered by a member of the public on a roadside. By the time the RSPCA, not to be confused with roadside assistance company the AA, reached the hedgehog it was very cold indeed.
The RSPCA is not best pleased and quite frankly neither is Sleb Safari. Everyone knows that you don’t leave an African pygmy hedgehog to cross the road on its own.
If you’re going to try and teach your pet APH some Bear Grylls skills you need to prepare sufficiently. For a start you need to give it some vittles tied up in a red polka dot handkerchief and hung on the end of a stick which the hedgehog can balance on its shoulder while it hikes through fields whistling a merry tune and chatting to woodland creatures.
Animal collection officer Stephanie Davidson says an APH “cannot survive in the wild here like our native hedgehogs and this little animal would have died if left where found”.
Nicola White is also very cross, very cross indeed. She’s the RSPCA’s senior scientific officer for exotics and trade and wants everyone to know that the charity is “very concerned” by suggestions the African pygmy hedgehog is the “latest pet craze”.
Nicola says the animals “have very specific needs… and require a heated enclosure with a carefully controlled temperature of between 24C to 30C”.
They have much in common with Sleb Safari it would seem.
Nicola continued: “These hedgehogs are nocturnal, travel long distances in the wild and anyone keeping one in captivity would need to allow for this natural behaviour, providing as large an enclosure and space as possible with plenty of hiding places and opportunity for digging, foraging and exercise.
“African pygmy hedgehogs are not domesticated like cats or dogs and the RSPCA would strongly advise against any member of the public considering getting one.”
Sleb Safari wouldn’t dream of getting one, it’d only try and claim the armchair closest to the radiator, there'd be a row, the RSPCA would get involved and it'd end in tears.
I'm A Celebrity is back
THE new I’m A Celebrity (Get Me Out Of Here) line up has been revealed and as usual it’s a mixture of ‘ooh, I like her’ and ‘never heard of him’.
Ladies and gentlemen, allow Sleb Safari to present to you, in no particular order: Carol Vorderman, Wayne Bridge, Larry Lamb, Ola Jordan, Lisa Snowdon, Scarlett Moffatt, Adam Thomas, Sam Queck, Jordan Banjo and Joel Dommett.
Sleb Safari googled the last four so you wouldn’t have to – soap star, Olympian, dancer, comedian. You’re welcome.
For a group of people about to be asked to eat insects and bathe with rats a surprising number of them list rats, spiders, cockroaches and snakes as phobias. Not a single person mentioned kangaroo testicle so that’s a plus.
As always Sleb Safari will squirm while watching it and this year will be cheering on Scarlett from Gogglebox who is downright hilarious and Vorders who’ll be fun but most likely reveal far too much. Carol likes to run naked on the treadmill so it’s anyone’s guess what living in the Aussie jungle will bring out in her.
Footballer Wayne Bridges is another one that Sleb Safari will be keeping its eye on, mainly because he says his role will be to “initiate games, fun and exercises”. Star jumps at 5am. Yipee. He’s going to be popular.
Let the games commence.
Does Madonna remind you of anyone?
IS it Sleb Safari’s imagination or is Madonna morphing into Karl Lagerfeld? The black fingerless gloves, the ever present white shirt and black suit, the sunglasses.
Madonna has been a chameleon all her life so, after the kimono, Marilyn Monroe, cowboy, disco, conical bra and matador eras, why not try on the persona of a highly opinionated head of a global fashion house?
What should happen now is that Karl would begin recycling Madonna’s old looks. We need Karl to start by crimping his hair and swapping the black fingerless leather gloves for white lace.
Come on universe, make it happen.
