Life

Ask Fiona: I feel bad about my stealing from family shop

Columnist and trained counsellor Fiona Caine offers her perspective on family dramas, emotional issues and dysfunctional relationships. This week: stealing, TV addiction and religion

Couples need to compromise when it comes to control of the family TV
Couples need to compromise when it comes to control of the family TV Couples need to compromise when it comes to control of the family TV

FIVE months ago, I started taking money from the till in our family shop.

Every day, I took about a pound to spend on sweets at school.

I do it because all my friends have money to spend and I don't, and although I really hate myself afterwards, I just can't stop.

Please can you help me as I don't know what to do.

AS – aged 11

FIONA SAYS: I'm glad you have told me and have asked for help because it shows that you already know this has got to stop.

It's making you feel guilty and it's also against the law because it's not "taking", it's "stealing".

I suspect going to the till has become a bit of a habit, so the best thing to do to break the habit is to avoid going near the till at all.

Telling your parents what you've been doing will be hard but, if you can, I think you should confess to them and apologise.

I think you should also be asking for their help because having money that you can call your own is important to help you grow and manage in future.

If they do give you some pocket money, it might be an idea to try and save some to pay them back at some point - especially if you decide not to tell them now.

You might also like to call Childline (www.childline.org.uk) when you need help – on 0800 1111 or you can ask questions through the website.

HE WON'T SWITCH THE TV OFF

MY husband is driving me mad!

He has the TV on the whole time; the first thing he does when he gets in from work is switch it on, and it doesn't go off until he goes to bed.

It's on when we are eating, when friends visit, even when he's reading the paper.

I can't remember the last time our home was quiet and I could just sit in peace and read a book.

There's a constant background babble and if I ask him to switch it off, he just looks at me as if I'm crazy.

Once, I got so angry I switched it off and he didn't talk to me for a week!

Is it too much to expect some time together without the television, or am I being unfair?

DL

FIONA SAYS: If anyone is being unfair, it's your husband, especially as I get the impression you have no other room to use if you want to be quiet or to read.

However, I wonder if there isn't something more fundamentally wrong with your relationship and if he isn't doing this on purpose to upset you.

Have you had the chance to ask him why he feels he needs it on all the time?

You have an equal right to use your living room as you wish and, if he doesn't want to let you share, perhaps you could find some other space you can make your own.

That is not going to improve your relationship though, and I really do think there is something wrong that needs to be addressed.

Maybe it's time to suggest he switches off and takes you out on a date occasionally.

HE DOESN'T SHARE MY BELIEFS

MY boyfriend and I have been going out for four years and he knows how important my religious beliefs are to me, so I was shocked to find he didn't share them.

He hasn't come with me to church all the time we've been together, so I suppose I should have queried this earlier, but I always assumed we'd be married in church one day.

If he's a non-believer, I'm not sure if that can happen, and it's made me start to question our whole relationship.

BC

FIONA SAYS: If you want to be married in a church wedding, you will need to talk to your priest.

It may be they will be willing to perform the wedding if one of you is part of the congregation.

Your boyfriend, though, may not be happy to make vows and promises that he doesn't believe in, so you need to talk this through.

Many couples have happy, successful relationships where they have different religions, or none at all, but it's not something you can ignore if it's fundamental to you.

It may also be that you should consider counselling together as this could help you to understand one another's perspectives.

HE LEFT ME FOR A TEENAGER

MY 25-year-old boyfriend has just dumped me and got immediately engaged to a 19-year-old girl who works with him.

We were going out for four years and whenever I mentioned the possibility of getting married, he always said no man should settle down until he's at least 30.

I knew he had been spending some time with this girl, but I stupidly believed him when he told me she was having a few difficulties at work and he was only trying to help her.

I feel used and rejected and although he says he wants us to remain friends, I'm finding it hard.

AS

FIONA SAYS: I am not surprised you feel hurt – he has treated you very badly.

His offer of friendship may be an attempt to ease his guilty conscience, but if you accept it or not will rather depend on whether you feel able to forgive him.

It may be that his offer is genuine and he doesn't realise how hurt you are, but my feeling is you are not yet ready to do this and that you need more time to get over the pain.

It is also possible that you decide you don't want to ease his guilt, but I think you do need to accept that, whilst you wanted a permanent relationship, he clearly didn't want that with you.

It may feel like a rejection but, if you can, try and see this as a lucky escape from a relationship that wasn't right for you.