Life

Ask Fiona: I just can't stop arguing with friends and family

Columnist and trained counsellor Fiona Caine offers her perspective on family dramas, emotional issues and dysfunctional relationships. This week: being argumentative, dating worries and a internet habit

Viewing adult material online may be a symptom of a bigger marriage problem
Viewing adult material online may be a symptom of a bigger marriage problem Viewing adult material online may be a symptom of a bigger marriage problem

I'VE always been a bit quarrelsome, but over the past two years, it seems I row with everyone.

I can only stand being with family and friends for an hour or two before I want to kill them!

It's amazing that I've got any friends at all, and I know I've driven some of them away.

I think things are becoming difficult at work, too – I used to be seen as a strong person who could get through obstacles and get things done, but now I'm regarded as a troublemaker.

What is it with me that I have to spoil things?

LW

FIONA SAYS: Could it be that you are ignoring or have buried something that is the root cause of your anger?

It could explain why your anger is triggered so easily.

Alternatively, perhaps through years of living up to your reputation for overcoming obstacles, you've lost the ability to recognise that some situations don't respond well to this approach.

You need to learn the difference between being merely assertive and being aggressive, and I think an assertiveness training course might help you.

Not that you need to learn how to assert yourself – which is why most people go on such courses – but because you need to learn to be less aggressive.

You should be able to learn how to control your behaviour and apply your ability to get through obstacles to those situations where it is needed.

You can find lots of information online about this, or speak to your GP, who may be able to suggest a local counsellor who could help you.

I SCOUTED HIM OUT

A couple of weeks ago I answered a "lonely hearts" ad from a man who lived locally.

When the man rang me, we got on really well and at the end of the conversation we agreed to meet.

We swapped addresses and I don't know what possessed me, but I called at his home pretending to be trying to pick up a parcel.

I was thrilled to find he was really nice and we're due to meet next week, but now I'm scared he's going to recognise me.

I know it was a silly thing to do and I am worried I've ruined my chances of a relationship him.

Should I just own up when I see him?

MT

FIONA SAYS: To swap addresses with someone you haven't met was a risky thing to do and, if this relationship doesn't work and you try again, please always meet people in a public place.

Having said that, I don't suppose you've done any harm by calling on him as you have – your curiosity is normal, and if when you meet up, he recognises you then yes, I think you should come clean.

I am sure he won't be offended – in fact, he's more likely to be flattered and, if you can laugh about it, it should help to get your relationship off to a good start.

If he doesn't recognise you, perhaps don't say anything until you've got to know one another a little better.

You can then decide whether or not to tell him.

HE'S LOOKING AT ADULT MATERIAL

FOR the past two years, I have known that my husband has been looking at adult material online and downloading pictures from the internet.

He has no idea that I know about them – he hides them in our eaves cupboard and I stumbled across then when clearing out some old clothes.

I have tried to ignore them, telling myself that in all other respects he is a fine husband, but I am becoming more and more upset by them.

We've been married for 25 years and for the last two, any intimacy has been virtually non-existent.

The thought of him alone with these things is making me very angry and bitter.

He's noticed and keeps asking me what's wrong, but I can't bring myself to tell him.

SE

FIONA SAYS: This sort of online browsing often becomes a prop for men who are experiencing difficulties, or who see themselves as inadequate.

If the intimate side of your marriage has not been good and neither of you have tried to find out why, it's possible that your husband may have felt he has no other source of comfort.

It's sad to think that, after such a long and, until recently, happy marriage there's a danger of your relationship disintegrating because you can't talk to each other.

It may seem difficult, but you need to tell your husband what's upsetting you and why.

Try to concentrate on what you can both do to get back together again, rather than be critical of his need for these magazines and, if necessary, involve Relate (www.relate.org.uk) in helping you talk.

When your relationship is on a better footing again, you might explain to him that much of the adult material available is exploiting women and girls who may have been drugged and coerced.

If he has respect for you and for women in general, that might, hopefully, put him off for good.

I RESENT HIS CHILDREN

MY partner and I have known each other since we were at school, but it took a long time for us to get together as a couple.

He got married to someone else and has been divorced now for three years.

I've known his children since they were born, so you'd think I'd find it easier to accept them, but I'm afraid I resent them and this is beginning to affect my whole life.

I love my partner so I don't understand how I can feel like this.

I know I should love them – but I just can't.

FE

FIONA SAYS: Could it be that the children remind you of your partner's ex-wife?

Is it that you see them as rivals for his affection?

Just because you love someone, doesn't mean you automatically love their children, so maybe you're being a bit hard on yourself – after all, you wouldn't expect to automatically love his parents.

You're in a difficult situation though and while your feelings are completely normal, you probably need to understand why you feel this way towards them.

Even natural parents resent their own children occasionally, so you are not unique, but you don't want to let it spoil your relationship with your partner, so do seek help.

Consider talking to Family Lives (www.familylives.org.uk), which grew out of a number of parenting charities including one for step parents.

There is a lot of support out there for the great many people in the same position as you, who think there is something very wrong with them for not loving their partner's children.