MY boyfriend has been divorced for two years.
His marriage lasted 12 years, even though his ex-wife had many affairs.
I love him desperately, but the problem is, he doesn't seem to believe me and keeps leaving me.
When he comes back, he's very apologetic and says he can't help it.
He says his ex-wife's behaviour has made him feel insecure and rejected and he admits his life is in a complete mess.
I am trying to be very patient with him, but how long is he going to be like this?
It's tearing me apart.
UG
FIONA SAYS: I can understand that, having been hurt once, he may be fearful of rejection again, but his behaviour towards you is similar to what his wife did to him, even if there isn't another woman involved.
It may be that he enjoys feeling sorry for himself and is not really trying terribly hard to get his act together.
I suspect it may need you to be a little less patient and bit more forceful if you are to break him out of this cycle.
Point out what his behaviour is doing to you; get him to talk about what he thinks his 'mess' is.
Reassure him that you love him, but make it clear that his behaviour is hurtful and that you are expecting some sort of change and commitment from him.
You could suggest that you see a Relate counsellor together (www.relate.org.uk) if he needs help to start understanding his behaviour.
Being firm may, of course, drive him away, but you have to balance this risk against your own emotional health.
There is a limit to how long you can put up with being treated badly and it sounds as if you have almost reached it.
MONEY IS MAKING US ROW
WE'RE planning to marry next year and my fiance and I are saving like mad to pay for a big wedding and a nice honeymoon.
I think my fiance is taking it all a bit too far though, as he begrudges every penny I spend.
Even a small treat, like an occasional bottle of wine or a trip to the cinema is frowned upon.
Last week, I spent £40 on a present for my parents' 25th wedding anniversary and he hit the roof.
We ended up having a dreadful row and I told him I was fed up with the boring life his penny-pinching ways were forcing on us.
Things have been a bit strained between us since, but he's still counting every penny.
CM
FIONA SAYS: Conflicting attitudes to money are one of the big reasons relationships – even long-term ones – break up, so you need to tackle this and soon.
Your fiance may be feeling pressured by your combined marriage and honeymoon expectations, or he may just be mean.
If it's the former, couldn't you consider scaling down the expenses of one big day and a holiday in favour of a more flexible approach to finance?
A wedding doesn't have to be expensive and, to me, starting married life with a massive debt just for one special day seems wrong.
If your fiance resists this idea, perhaps you need to reconsider whether perhaps he is just mean with money.
In which case, you need to ask yourself if he is really the man for you, as I doubt marriage will change his ways.
HE'S SO JEALOUS
WHEN we started going out, I realised my husband was a bit jealous of everything I did, but I thought, when we married, he'd be different.
Instead it's got worse, and now I'm frightened to do anything in case he doesn't like it.
He doesn't like any of my friends and although he goes out with his mates, he doesn't like me doing the same.
If I do go out, he grills me when I get back, wanting to know who I've met and who I've talked to; he shouts at me a lot and gets very angry.
Last month, I got really fed up and, when a friend introduced me to a guy, I sat and talked to him for hours.
He's a really nice man and I have to confess that I have seen him a couple of times since.
He's so different to my husband as I can relax in his company and laugh.
We've not slept together, but I feel it's only a question of time.
I now resent my husband and wonder if I should leave him to be with this other man.
DF
FIONA SAYS: Problems in a relationship are rarely resolved by a wedding ring, and jealousy can lead to great unhappiness, as you've found.
What worries me most is the fact you're frightened of your husband and that he shouts at you and gets angry.
I suspect that means you're afraid of physical abuse, but please realise he is mentally abusing you already.
That can't be allowed to continue and I think you need to leave.
Even if you are prepared to work at your relationship with your husband, do so from a place where you are safe and where he can't get you alone.
Swapping one man for another though is almost certainly not the answer and, to stake your happiness on a man you've only known for a month, is a huge risk.
It may be that the only reason you like him so much is because he is so different to your husband – not necessarily better.
Perhaps it would be best if you were to find your own feet for a while before jumping straight into another relationship.
