Life

Ask Fiona: My husband keeps cheating on me – what do I do?

Columnist and trained counsellor Fiona Caine offers her perspective on family dramas, emotional issues and dysfunctional relationships. This week: sharing, money and cheating

Verbal agreements to share winnings don't have to be honoured
Verbal agreements to share winnings don't have to be honoured Verbal agreements to share winnings don't have to be honoured

THREE years ago, my husband had an affair with another woman, so I left him but, after a couple of months, he persuaded me it was over so I went back.

A few months after that, he was at it again but, when I confronted him, he broke down saying he was so sorry and he knew he'd ruined everything.

Although I was angry with him, I managed to forgive him, but now I've found a strange number on his phone and, when I called it, found it was another woman.

We chatted and it turns out he'd convinced her he was divorced.

I feel so hurt and used and told him to leave, but the trouble is, I still love him and want him – I just can't trust him anymore.

I've suggested we go to Relate together, but he won't, so I don't know what to do.

GB

FIONA SAYS: How many times has this man got to break his word before you begin to see he is never going to change?

He has hurt you time and again and, in so doing, has managed to completely undermine your self-respect, to the point where you will seemingly take him back no matter what he does.

As long as he sees this, why should he change?

I know you still have feelings for this man, but you really cannot go on living with this uncertainty – so perhaps you should consider making a clean break.

If you feel you have to give him one last chance – issue a final ultimatum, and this time mean it – say he must change his ways, get counselling or this marriage is over.

If he lets you down again, and frankly, I think he will, please end it.

Unless he's willing to change, all I can see in future for you is more of the same heartache and pain.

As for counselling, if he won't come with you, go on your own, as you'll find it enormously helpful with or without him.

HE WON'T SHARE HIS BINGO WINNINGS

MY boyfriend and I have been living together for the past six months and recently started to go to bingo together.

A few weeks ago, I won £100 and used some of it to buy school clothes for my children, some to take him out to dinner and some to pay for our next bingo trip.

On that occasion he won £500, but has kept it all without sharing.

I don't think I am being unreasonable in expecting him to share some of his winnings with me, but he is insistent that he will keep the money, although he may not spend all of it on himself.

I appreciate that they are his winnings, but I'm on a very limited income and need to buy more school clothes, whereas he works full-time.

I am fed up arguing over money as that's what split my ex-husband and I up, but it doesn't seem fair to me.

PT

FIONA SAYS: As you paid for his winning bingo session, I agree it's unfair and hurtful that he should keep all the money for himself.

Does he appreciate how tight money is for you?

Unless you had agreed in advance to share all winnings though, I don't see that there is much you can do.

Keep bringing it up and you risk turning it into a crisis that could break up your relationship, just as money problems broke up your marriage.

One thing to consider though, as he says he may not spend it all on himself, could it be that he's planning a surprise of some kind for you?

If he doesn't though, perhaps he really is a selfish person and you might want to consider whether he's really someone you want to spend your future with.

MY DAUGHTER IS IN LOVE WITH A WOMAN

OUR 19-year-old daughter is a really pretty young woman who has always had plenty of boyfriends and is always much in demand.

It's come as a real shock, therefore, for her to tell us she's in love with another woman, a few years older than her.

I've tried to keep my feelings under control as I didn't want her to think I rejected her, but it's really difficult for me to come to terms with this.

I'd really like to talk to someone who understands.

She's told us she's not sure whether this is her life partner, and that she still finds men attractive, which has just added to my confusion.

JD

FIONA SAYS: Your daughter will probably sense your feelings even though you've tried to hide them, so why not just talk to her?

I suspect it's not her you're having a problem with, but her sexuality – which is just a part of who she is.

Increasingly we are beginning to understand that sexuality is more of a spectrum, with some people more in the middle than others.

She has indicated that just because she's enjoying one lesbian relationship, she's not necessarily going to settle into that status, but she might, so take steps to try and understand her feelings now.

FFLAG (Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays - fflag.org.uk) supports parents and their gay, lesbian and bisexual sons and daughters; do contact them for advice and help.

HE TOOK EVERYTHING

MY husband and I divorced last year after being married for 32 years.

We sold the house and split the sale proceeds and I understood we were going to divide the furnishings too but, when I went to the house to meet him, I found he'd already emptied it.

I found this very hurtful as some of the things had a lot of sentimental value for me – it's not like they were worth very much though.

I told my solicitor what had happened and was surprised when he said it probably wasn't worth chasing my ex for.

That seems really unfair to me, and it's left me feeling very depressed.

Isn't there anything I can do?

MC

FIONA SAYS: When your solicitor said it probably wasn't worth chasing your ex for, it might be that he meant the financial cost to you of his time would not be justified.

His job, though, is to act for you and if you really want him to pursue your husband for a share of the property, I am sure he would do so.

I agree with you that you've been treated unfairly and that, unless the divorce settlement went against it, you should have had a share of the contents of the family home.

Might it not be worth speaking to your husband yourself and asking him outright for the things you would particularly like?

It would certainly be a cheaper option, but you might find it emotionally difficult to do.

It all depends what value you place on these things – only you can decide whether the sentimental value to you is worth the legal costs.

Legal channels could take quite a while and could be acrimonious, on top of which, until it's resolved, you'll find it very hard to move on with your life.

Might it be worth just letting these things go and starting afresh?