I'm caught in a cycle of one night stands
AFTER my divorce three years ago, I thought my world had crumbled.
My husband left me for a woman I'd regarded as a close friend for many years and it took me a long time to get over that pain.
I did eventually start going out with other people again, but that invariably means one-night stands.
I'm not particularly proud of this as it just seemed easier to say 'yes' than to resist.
I feel like I'm being used when all I want is a warm, loving relationship.
Is that too much to ask?
MF
FIONA SAYS: After a long-term relationship or marriage has ended painfully, it can feel easier to embark on short-term affairs that require no commitment.
It's a bit like comfort-eating, nice while it lasts, but not really very good for you and ultimately, unfulfilling.
It's not too much to expect a close, loving relationship, but you may be going about it the wrong way.
Try giving yourself a bit more time to get to know a man before saying 'yes' and that way you can more accurately assess what someone's intentions are.
Try saying 'no' next time and give yourself time to find out whether your date wants a one-night stand or is looking for something more serious.
SHE'S DESPERATE FOR GRANDCHILDREN
My mum is really keen for me to have children even though I am not in any form of relationship.
She seems to want a litter of grandchildren to spoil and takes every opportunity to drop very unsubtle hints.
I've not found anyone I want to settle down with and although I may want to one day, I'm pretty sure I don't ever want children.
I'm far too selfish to want to be a parent!
I've tried talking to my dad, but he says mum's only teasing.
This pressure is getting me down though and, much as I love my mum, I'm afraid I may snap.
DB
FIONA SAYS: If your mum doesn't realise how much her teasing is upsetting you, it may have just become a bit of a family joke for her.
Sit her down and tell her, calmly and clearly, that you are serious about not wanting children.
I imagine she may well be upset as she could be looking forward to the role of grandmother, especially if she sees lots of her friends enjoying the role.
She may be thinking you are simply not yet ready and is hoping that, with the right person, you'll come around to the idea.
Rejecting the idea of being a parent may, to them, sound like you are rejecting what they have done, so tread carefully, but stick to your guns.
MUM DOESN'T WANT ME TO MOVE OUT
Since my dad died four years ago, I've lived with my mum, but at 29, I've decided it's really time I had a place of my own.
I've bought a flat which I've been doing up and hope to move in over the next month or so, once all the building work and decorating is finished.
Mum is fit and healthy and has many friends, but she's getting more and more upset at the prospect of my moving out.
She says she's scared of being alone at night and doesn't know how she'll cope.
She's been a successful businesswoman, travelling the world on her own to make a success of her firm, so I can't understand why she's acting like this.
I've tried to explain that having my own place is all part of growing more independent, but she refuses to understand and says I'm being selfish as I have no real reason to leave.
TC
FIONA SAYS: There is never an easy answer when this situation arises.
The death of your father has probably heightened your mother's feelings of vulnerability.
However successful she was, she knew she had someone she could rely on to come home to.
She's also probably more aware of her own mortality and having you around and, in some ways, dependent, gives her a reason to keep going.
She may well feel more secure knowing there is someone she can call on in an emergency.
It's not selfish to want your own life, but try and understand her fears too.
Why not try and find ways to reassure her; stress you will see her regularly and that you're only a phone call away.
Help her to ensure her home is secure, perhaps installing an alarm and an emergency alert system in case she has a fall or is unwell.
She could also consider getting a lodger or even a pet to help with any loneliness.
I LOVE TWO WOMEN – WHAT DO I DO?
I know it's said you can't love two people at once, but it's not true because I do.
Four years ago, I had a brief fling with a woman I met through work that I fell deeply in love with.
I finished it because I love my wife and although she was upset, we worked through it and stayed together.
I couldn't get over the fact I really loved the woman I had the affair with though and so I made contact with her again.
We've not seen each other, it's just been phone calls, but I know not seeing her means I am missing a part of myself so, last week, I told my wife.
She was terribly upset and has asked me to leave home – which I've done, but reluctantly, because I really love her, too.
How do I resolve this as I'm missing her and our children?
ND
FIONA SAYS: You say you love both your wife and the woman you had an affair with, but neither one of them can be happy with you as things are.
You say you love two people, but I venture to suggest you love a third person even more – and that's yourself.
You're putting your desire for a woman you can't even see above your wife and your family – I fear there is an element of fantasy in this relationship.
You need to face the fact your wife has made it clear that whilst you may want to love two women, you can't HAVE two women.
She won't accept sharing you and if you don't love her enough to finish with your lover, you must move towards a divorce so she can be free to move on.
I suggest you contact Relate (www.relate.org.uk) and speak to a counsellor to try and help sort your feelings out – before it's too late.
